Saturday, March 29, 2008


Something special for the weekend.  In today's Daily Mirror, eternally dishy Michael Aspel gives you advice on staying young and beautiful.  He should know!  

Apparently, you should keep your hands silky soft, a secret we ladies have known about for years.  In fact, why not soak them in almond oil and wear a pair of cotton gloves overnight?  You'll wake up the next day with hands like a four year old!  

Er, anyway, Michael also claims that his youngest son has kept him young by "getting" him "into" ... Fatboy Slim!  Eh?  Is his son about my age?  I thought young people all listened to T2 Featuring Addictive these days!

On retiring from presenting Utility Room favourite, The Antiques Roadshow, Michael was given a special present by the team, a ceramic microphone of the sort used by Winston Churchill.

No, me neither.

As a further treat, here's a clip of the young, testosterone-fuelled Michael in a De Niro-style cameo on the Pinky And Perky Show.  

Seeing this confirmed that I wasn't imagining things as a child: Pinky And Perky really were fucking terrifying. 

As for Michael, he's matured like a good old Stilton.  Grrrr.

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Thursday, March 27, 2008


Wonderful news - Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a number one record *on the Billboard chart* with I Keep Bleeding, I Keep Keep Bleeding, since Lulu hit the top spot *on the Billboard chart* with Love Loves To Love Love, To Love Love, To Love Love, To Loves Love, To Love Love, in 1968!!!

That's Leona pictured above, looking a little worse for wear after "celebrating" the news of her smash hit. Time to get out the curling tongs and John Frieda serum, luv!

Anyways, it's a little known fact that there have been only a handful of British songs that have hit the top spot *on the Billboard chart* in its three hundred year history.

The fact is, the Americans hate us! They think that all British pop music is goddamn fop haircut music. None of us know how to raaack, and we all sit around in stately homes smoking opium anyway, so what do we know about popular culture?

This opinion exists among Americans even now. In a mirror image of Leona's triumph, this week Estelle is number one *on the British chart* with a song called American Boy which would be a lot better if it didn't feature the increasingly annoying Kanye West yabbering on about WAGS, something called "rooobish" and informing us that British men all wear bespoke suits! I ask you - has he ever been to a pub in Tipton on a Tuesday night?

Ahem, these are the only other British number ones ever in the history of *the Billboard Chart (on)* in chronological order:

* She Sits Among The Cabbages And Peas - Marie Lloyd
* All I Want For Christmas Is A Beatle - Beryl Reid
* Subterranean Homesick Blues - Pinky And Perky (note: Dylan cover featuring The Beakles)
* Dreadlock Holiday - 10CC
* Pretty In Pink - Psychedelic Furs
* Dance Hall Days - Wang Chung
* Iran - A Flock Of Seagulls
* Total Confusion - A Homeboy, A Hippy And A Funky Dredd

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? Or totally confused ...

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Monday, March 24, 2008


Thanks for the millions of entries that flooded in for the caption competition on the previous post. Everyone who took part will be receiving a pink Betty Heart Disco t-shirt (26 inch chest).

The overall winner however is Da Do Ronn Donn, for this effort:

"Detecting wetness in hidden places with a 'divining rod', also known as doodlebugging, was invented as a way to escape the tedium of church services. Hence the term divining. It was a time honored tradition well known to Austen.

Judging by the pull on Mr Darcy's rod there is a considerable amount of moisture to be had on his immediate right."

Well, he hasn't really won a pair of overalls, har har. The slightly soiled Austen style empire line wedding dress will be soon be winging its way over the Adlaandic (as Tony Prince would've said) to Canada. I'll be reversing the mailing costs, but you can't expect everything, can you?

Hope you are all *battening down the hatchets* against the snow. To keep you feeling cosy and warm, here's the appalling Dan Hill with Sometimes When We Touch, The Honesty's Too Much, And I Have To Go Away And Have A Bit Of A Cry And A Seizure.

A happy Eastering Monday to you all, whatever your creed.

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Friday, March 21, 2008


Well, it's Easter, so I've decided to pull out all of the stops and do one of my competitions.

God, it must be years since the last competition! Was it the prize of a fifteen foot inflatable Mick Hucknall that was airlifted over Wigan, with the runner up prize of a date with the Mick Hucknall lookalike?

Those were carefree, innocent days, before we bloggers all got book deals and fucked off to live in Manhattan! Now it's all business calls at three in the morning to Tokyo and five hours spent doing yoga with our personal trainers ... yawn! Now everything is so seeerious!

Anyway, recently we've been watching a lot of adaptations of Jane Austen novels that have been on BBC4, and excellent they are too. I'll write about them in more detail later ... perhaps.

There was some discussion about Austen's heroes and villains. Geoff wrote about this burning topic here. Still, most of you will be too lazy to click on the link, so I'll just summarise: heroes in Austen novels dress to the right; villains to the left.

... so that's the basis of the competition. Here is the double wedding scene in the final bit of Pride And Prejudice ...

Use your skills to come up with an amusing (or pertinent, or poignant) caption for the above picture.

The best caption will win a slightly soiled Austen style empire line wedding dress from a St. John's Ambulance shop in Lincolnshire, of the sort that became fashionable after Pride And Prejudice was on television. It's the sort of dress that only suits thin willowy teenage girls, and makes every other woman look like a hod carrier on a drag night ... and, remember, it is slightly soiled.

I'm fully aware that this could be another Tumbleweed Post, as bloggers *flock to the airports*, causing *traffic chaos*, leaving only the housebound and that bloke Strangeways Alan who keeps sending me long, rambling and slightly too personal e-mails.

Still, happy Easter, one and all. Don't mind me :(

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Thursday, March 20, 2008


It's the beginning of the Easter break tomorrow. However, Easter in Britain this year is apparently going to look like this:

... but less picturesque in places like Welling or New Brighton, obviously.

To paraphrase lovely right wing anti abortionist Eurovision winner Dana, according to all sources, colder weather is on the way. There is a threat of three snowflakes bringing the national rail network to a halt.

As is traditional at this time of year, the TV news reporters feel compelled to describe the awful fate that awaits anyone who attempts to leave the country for warmer climes.

You may wish to keep a record of the number of times the following phrases are used in news reports:

"traffic chaos"
"engineering works on railways closing many stations"
"gridlocked roads as people leave work early"
"threatened strike by baggage handlers at many airports"
"disgruntled passengers face overnight waits as flights are cancelled"
"disgruntled junior TV reporters left to hold fort reading same cliched Easter-related stories every bloody year as more senior staff swan off on long haul flights to paradise islands"

Anyway, I should warn you that, hey ho, the next four days are going to be a *Higher Hell* and you will all be *hot cross bunnies*...

I'll be back tomorrow with a competition, for those of you who are left stranded, alone and sad at home.

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008


It's the parlour game they're all playing, from coast to coast! The best Sun-type headlines about the verdict of the Mills/McCartney case!

Here are a few, for instance:

1. Apparently, an angry Heather Mills threw a glass of water over Paul's lawyer Fiona Shackleton:


2. It's a little known fact that Heather is being "consoled" by annoying falsetto voiced Freddie Mercury tribute act Mika, even though most of us would assume that he caught the other bus! Mika has felt that he has to speak out on behalf of Heather, and will tell all in an expose of the "dark side" of Paul McCartney in the News Of The World:


3. It has recently emerged that Fiona Shackleton has been "getting close" to '90's reggae star and erstwhile Mr Loverman, Shabba Ranks:


Over to you ...

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Sunday, March 16, 2008


The Sport Relief weekend continues, and is set to carry on into the next decade.

Today, BBC1 featured Sport Relief Mile, a programme based on countrywide mile long fundraising runs.

The programme lasted for three and a half hours.

Even a centenarian one legged tortoise could complete a mile race in less than three and a half hours.

In fact, Pinta Island tortoise Lonesome George (the last survivor of his species, and estimated to be at least sixty years old) completed the mile today on one of the Galapagos Islands in a personal best time of 17:32 minutes.

George: fast off the marks

Later, BBC 1 continued with the interminable charideethon coverage in the form of Antique Roadshow Sport Relief Special (if you don't believe me, look it up in your TV guide). The highlight of this was Dishy Michael Aspel attempting to complete an It's A Knockout style obstacle course carrying a Victorian tureen in one hand and a Ming vase in the other, while balancing a miniature of a Turner seascape on his head. Commentary was provided by Stuart Hall and there were *hilarious* consequences.

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Saturday, March 15, 2008


Three aspects of the weekend's charidee marathon ...

On Radio One yesterday, Edith Bowman praised everyone who had "GOT OFF THEIR BACKSIDES TO DO SOMETHING FOR SPORT RELIEF". Fair warms the cockles of the heart. I hope Edith GOT OFF HER BACKSIDE TO DO SOMETHING FOR SPORT RELIEF even if she is up the duff.

From one of the West Ham United forums: "What's this rubbish Sport Relief? Alan Shearer grew a beard or something." "Alan Shearer grew a beard or something" sums up Sport Relief as well as anything, and is one of the best lines I've seen in print for some time.

Finally, this morning the Sport Relief fundraisers were out in force at the entrance of Sainsbury's. They were accompanied by a Sainsbury's employee chugging along on an exercise bike to This Old House by Shakin' Stevens. Unless this was BBC 3 filming a zany new sketch series.

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Monday, March 10, 2008


The Observer magazine has spoken! I was reading Billy's blog and found out that, at last, the definitive list of the Most Powerful Bloggers In The World has been announced!

We can all sleep safe in our beds in the knowledge that bloggers have POWER, despite the fact that the people from Ye Olde Mediaeae tend to denounce us all as weedy, speccy, oily haired, five stone internet nerds who never leave the house!

Well - not any more! We've all been at the Weight Gain, have been eating eighteen ounce steaks for breakfast and have been outdoors round the clock, running up mountains, kick boxing and partaking of military manoeuvres on Salisbury Plain. It's brutal, but it's the only way forward in this cut throat world of old and new media.


Even the wimpiest of us now have chests like Fifty Cent (aka The Rapper Fifty Per Cent)!

All of us are aspiring to the Powerfulness of the two most Powerful Bloggers In The World, according to The Observer:

At number one, the hostess with the mostess, laydeez and gentlemen ... it's Abby Lee, aka Girl With A One Track Mind! Since moving to America and staying at a top secret Olympic training facility, she's beefed up to become a rippling, lean mean killing machine, weighing in at 250 pounds of Pure Blogging Power! Who says that gurlls can't rise to the challenge and beat the boys at their own game?

... and, in runner up position ...

It's East Angular's very own JonnyB! Okay, Chris ... um, sorry, Jonny, has always been known as that ginger speccy bloke with the big ego off of the radio with a secret blog, but what you can't see in this picture is the impressive Greek god of a physique that he's been building up below the neck! He's been in training with that bloke who's helped Craig David to beef up and what can you say ... wow! He's irresistible to men, women and even some of the Norfolk wildlife surrounding his house!





Sunday, March 09, 2008


Part the second of the meme.

23) Are you worried about something you can't control?
Everything. I hate being out of control.

24) Do you take daily meds?
Caffeine, booze at weekends.

25) Ever been in a fight?
Physical - no. Verbal - yes.

26) Wearing nail polish?
Not at the moment. Ought to make more of an effort really.

27) Favourite colour?

28) Innie or outie?
Is this to do with navels? Innie, thank the fuck.

29) Ever used a Ouija board?
No. I'm not quite that daft.

30) Sweet or sour?
Sweet (food), sour (mood), sweet (people).

31) Sun or Moon?

32) What shoes did you wear today?
Three quarter length boots with zippy bits on the front. Not too pervy - I hope.

33) Favorite eye color of the opposite sex?
*favourite*, *colour* - honestly, those Americans, eh? Every eye colour apart from my own, grey, which is boring.

34) Most important quality in a relationship.
Kissable neck.

35) Favourite zombie movie?
Haven't seen any. Does Shaun Of The Dead count? It was okay, but not that good.

36) Time of day that you were born?
Early evening.

37) Do you know your blood type?

38) What would you spend 500 dollars on right now?
*500 pounds*. Would put it in the bank, because I'm old and sensible.

39) Name something annoying in public transit?
Does this mean public transport? What isn't annoying about public transport? Mind you, I won't go into further detail or I'll sound like one of those ranting letter writers in London papers who get REEEALLY ANGRY about someone drinking a can of pop on the train, or men sitting with their legs open. Listen, I'm a dirty old woman - if men want to sit with their legs open on the train I'm not going to grumble about it, if they are fit looking! There isn't much to enjoy at my age, is there? Ahem.

40) Did you grow up in a city or in the country?
Provincial town on the edge of the countryside. The worst of both worlds: nondescript place to live, without access to the countryside, but cut off from larger towns.

41) Consider going on a reality show for a large amount of money?
No fucking way.

42. Flown in your dreams?
Drowned in big vats of murky water or the sea.

43. Hugs or kisses?
Both, separately or together. Depends who you're with.

44) Ten dollars to spend in a dollar store. What on?
Ten *pounds*, Mr U.S. of A. Bottles of shampoo, preferably with stuff written in Turkish on the label.

45) Slurpee flavour?
Jack Daniels.

I won't tag anyone, but indulge if you want.

Meanwhile, look out for Welsh chart topping sensation Duffy making a brief appearance as the barmaid near the start of this video ...

... which reminds me. Gavin And Stacey is back! May joy be unconfined!

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Saturday, March 08, 2008


Flaming hell, Adele!

In recognition of the fact that it's International Wimmen's Day (er, so I've been told) ...

Watch out! Head for the hills!

The world's dullest all girl group is coming your way!

Power to the lovely laydeees! Especially the ones who've been to a charm school to learn how to be famous!

Typical gurllls then ...

The rest of the meme will be along shortly. Bet you can't wait.

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Thursday, March 06, 2008


I'm really not up to the blogging malarkey at the moment, y'know. All those other bloggers dropping out ... one or two tetchy responses from Other People, Elsewhere, that I'm still smarting about. Really, you need to have a hide as thick as a rhinoceros to be in this game! At this rate I won't have an audience left! Still, I've nicked this meme from Dive as a stopgap. Will post it in two parts ... so I won't have to do a proper post until July, when it'll be my birthday. Happy birthday to me ...

1) Are you taller than your mother?
Yes.  Only slightly though.

2) What colour is your car?
Don't own one.

3) What is the closest thing to you that is red?
A box of Rennies.

4) What is your ringtone?
I don't own a phone. Heard one today of someone's rugrat singing a nursery rhyme.  How vomit inducing can you get? I almost thumped the woman!

5) Are you sick?
Is this the teenage use of the word "sick"? In that case, probably not. Otherwise, I've had indigestion for the past few days, hence the Rennies.

6) What colour is your favourite pillow?
Dunno. Do you mean the pillow or the pillow case? White or pale blue, in that order.

7) Favourite video game?
Not interested.

8) Nap today?
It's early morning so no.

9) Gold or silver?
Either. Depends on the context.

10) Is there an animal that creeps you out?

11) The last person you rode an elevator with?
Whaaat? Does this mean something in English??  Do you mean, like, having sex in a hotel lift?  How gross!  Barff me out with a spoon!

12) Did you go ice skating as a kid?
No. I have a mortal fear of falling over on ice, because it's happened a few times in winter.

14) Ever have stitches?

15) Favourite non alcoholic drink?
Really strong tea.

16) How long ago did you kiss someone?
Less than two hours ago.

17) What is something that you want to do before you die?
Shoot a man just to watch him die.

18) Ever caught something on fire?
An infection ... moving swiftly on ...

19) Ever seen a ghost?
No, but I've had telepathic experiences. Nothing too impressive.

20) Ever seen the northern lights?
Seen The Stone Roses live a couple of times.

21) Do you know how to use chopsticks?
I make very slow progress with chopsticks.

22) Something good that happened today?
As the recently re-mixed Utah Saints once said, via Kate Bush, you know that something good is gonna happen ...

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Monday, March 03, 2008


... PLUS ...


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