Tuesday, March 09, 2010


Well I've been away having *essential maintenance work* done and despite a month in hospital, the tortuous pain and the hideous bruising in the first week it was all worth it. Now I feel as if I'm ready to face the world again. So far, one person has commented that I can "pass for thirty eight on a good day" and seven other people have said "you look as if you've had a good night's sleep!" Well worth the eighty grand, then.

During my absence, there have been a number of compelling news stories which you are probably all familiar with and indifferent to. The most disturbing to have caught my eyes is the one concerning this individual:

No, not the one in the wellies - the fucking enormous spider crab, found in Japanese waters and, predictably enough, named Crabzilla.

The leggy redhead (21) is currently residing at Birmingham's National Sea Life Centre and is surely an indication of the frightening genetic mutations taking place due to heavy sea pollution, er, maan.

My years of exploring rock pools are well behind me and, after seeing this, I doubt I'll be venturing into the sea in the near future.

We are told that next month Crabzilla will be "starting a new life" in Belgium. I don't know if he'll be starting a new life in the same way as Marvin Gaye, who moved there in the autumn years of his career and seemed to spend a lot of time playing darts.

Perhaps he'll be released into the canals of Bruges, destined to horrify innocent tourists on barges as he rises up from the deep.

One day, of course, he is going to climb to the top of the Empire State Building.

This is his first stop on the way to the top, but some may see it as a sideways move.

*bangs head repeatedly against wall*

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