Friday, November 27, 2009


It looks as if Burslem light entertainer Robbie Williams is set to break a million hearts after news emerges that he has proposed to his long suffering girlfriend Elysian Fields.

The boggle eyed comic turn got down on one knee and asked for his bewildered woman's hand in marriage on Gem AM's 5.00 in the morning sports talk show Nick Hancock's Half Hour.

"A pint? That's almost an armful!"

It's a real turnaround in fortune for the 39 year old (Robbie that is - not Nick you daft ape). Only a year ago he looked like this -

"Pleeeze, interstellar policeman!"

and was living in a van in the Mojave Desert. Legend has it that he only slept for half an hour each night and spent the rest of the time looking for "flying saucers" in the sky through a toy telescope. He survived on a diet of raw lizards. Ugh!

However, twelve months down the line, he's a changed man, with the familiar cheeky boyish grin and mad staring eyes back in full effect. A residency at Queen's Theatre, Burslem through the summer saw him taking on the challenging role of his hero Norman Wisdom in a play called I Love Man. He received standing ovations every night. Sharp as a tack, it was clear that he had honed his comic skills and once more was a force to be reckoned with.

"Take my mother in law - please!!!"

Rumour has it that Robbie will be at the forefront of a new version of popular 1970's TV show The Comedians that's set to be one of the jewels in the crown of Dave TV's spring 2010 schedule.

Yep, things are on the up for Robbie. You can't keep a Stoke lad down!

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Monday, November 23, 2009


Catalogue of *revellers* in public house on Saturday night.

@ 1 no. group of smartly dressed young men of the type that look as if they would knife you if they didn't like wot you was inferring abaaht them. Possibly followers of one of the more affluent football clubs.

@ 1 no. blonde streak-haired woman in heavy framed burgundy spectacles and too-vivid claret coloured lipstick. Possibly minor glamour model in late 1970's who got local work because she was dating a photographer who was twenty years older than her. Probably a bitter divorcee.

@ 1 no. friend of blonde streak-haired woman. Jane Fonda in Klute wig.

@ 1 no. woman with appalling foghorn voice that booms and carries over a further distance than the call of the Bittern over the Norfolk broads. REALLY, CAN'T PEOPLE 'EEEEAR THEMSELVES?

Once bittern ...

@ 1 no. group of anonymous "smart casual" men in their fifties.

@ 1 no. middle aged woman in check shirt and suede boots. At one point, she and the foghorn voiced woman sing ALL OF THE WORDS of Islands In The Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton together. Is this a middle aged women's bonding thing? Why is it that I don't know all of the words of Islands In The Stream? Once again in life, I feel as if something is wrong with me.

@ 1 young couple who are attached at the hip for most of the night and keep themselves to themselves. There is always one such young couple in every old lags' pub in Britain. Thankfully, this pair didn't slobber over each other. All credit to them.

@ 1 portly middle aged bloke in all black with tattooed forearms. He was having a conversation with the group of anonymous smart casual men THEN SOMETHING KICKED OFF. Nobody knows what started it. Several of the women pile in to hold men back, in time honoured fashion. The male menopause shouldn't stand in the way of a good ruck, of course, but the tattooed man saunters off and out of the pub.

We are informed ten minutes later that the non-ruck was "the talk of the town" in the smokers' corner outside. The tattooed man "has a reputation as a mentalist" and the words "wot did you say to my wife?" were heard.

The next time that someone tells me I should go out on a weekend night because staying in means that I'm a stick in the mud who doesn't have a life, I won't say anything.

I'll just go out to the garden, get a shovel, walk back inside and thump the person who has said it in the face repeatedly with said shovel.

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