Sunday, December 31, 2006


Literally thousands of excited bloggers and plus ones amassed in the pub next to Barnehurst Station in Barnehurst's glittering "West End" during the week to witness my first blogging awards ceremony. They all managed to avoid eye contact with that psychotic looking bonehead sat at the back with the thousand yard stare who was crunching his knuckles too.

Here is a summary of some of the gongs that were dished out:

Dishiest blogger: Lucien De La Peste
With the dashing looks of a Spanish count (only about a foot taller) and that rapier wit, who could resist? Those cheekbones! The dark, piercing eyes! The thin, sensual lower lip! The arrogance! Phwoar! Give us a fiddle with yer pointy beard, Lucien!

Most used blogging catchphrase: "... yummers" as used by Psychobilly !Oyez! Billy! (pictured below)

... yes, they're saying it in all the playgrounds of Britain now that "I'm the only gay in the village" and "bovvered?" have gone out of fashion.

Runner up: " ... yummers, as Billy would say" as used by Molly Bloom (pictured, left, below).

The Andy Fairweather Low "Wide Eyed And Legless" award: Robert Swipe

The Wayne/Jayne County "Something's Missing? Can you tell what it is yet?" award: Robert/Roberta Swipe
The deep voice! The bushy eyebrows! *something isn't quite right* ...

The Mr Loverman award (sponsored by Edam Cheese): Tom 909
Sweet baby cheeses!

Renaissance Woman Of The Year award: First Nations
A profound knowledge of art through the ages. An ability to grow tomato plants of every variety. Seems to have read millions of books. Knows tons of stuff about motorbikes, embroidery, cookery. The definitive study of lesbian cunnilingus etiquette. Is there anything this woman can't turn her hand to (as it were)?

Best blogging repartee in the comments box award: MJ (pictured below) and Tazzy & Piggy

Usually revolved around saying "Yay! First. Fuck off" and derivatives thereof.

Sexiest Voice On The Internet award: Realdoc
So I've been told.

Services To Podcasting Involving Spontaneous Mass Belching (Sponsored by Milk Of Magnesia): Istvanski and Jif Dump Alliance
Owing to the consumption of *soft* drinks while on air, allegedly. Don't do it, kids.

Right. That's more than enough.

All I have left to tell you is that Rockmother wore a Nicole Farhi gown, and Vicus Scurra wore a bespoke tuxedo.

Friday, December 29, 2006


Right, that's it.

If I see one more blog where someone

(a) goes into great detail about the amount of baking they did over Christmas

(b) describes how they served up five different types of gravy

(c) gloats about how great their roast potatoes were

(d) posts up millions of pictures of their ugly brats dressed in uncomfortable burgundy jumpers opening presents to provoke lots of comments from gormless "moms" in America saying "honey, your kids look so beautiful and the baby is sooo cute that I guess I'm feeling all broody :) you look like the perfect family and your Christmas looked like real fun :) ((((((love you!)))))

(e) brags about how you DIDN'T WATCH ANY TELEVISION ALL DAY, oh no, but had a proper FAMILY Christmas and sat down and played backgammon or had general quizzes or played quoits or had a lovely walk in the countryside after the dinner and it was crisp and sunny and with all the family together it was so ... MAGICAL

(f) posts up even more pictures of your happy, content children, along with happy, content grandchildren and happy, content grandparents just for good measure .....


They I will click on that flag which notifies Blogger of objectionable content.

That is all.

Sunday, December 24, 2006


The whole team ...

Me ...

Geoff (right) ...

Glenda ...

and Farmer Giles ...

would like to sincerely wish you a happy wonderful Cheesemas :D apart from the slightly creepy, whiffy ones among you.

See yer all in a bit xxx

Saturday, December 23, 2006


The Christmas Day smart/casual look that should be chosen by all middle aged women:

* Long hair with lots of flicky bits and a heavy fringe to cover up those horizontal forehead lines. In theory, people who see you from a fair distance away or in a poor light will think you are about 27.

* Slightly clarety red lipstick to bring a bit of warmth to the haggard, ashen complexion which has resulted from a lifetime of disappointment, boozing and chainsmoking.

* Tons of blusher to bring a bit of warmth to the haggard ... etc.

* Long string of beads. Anything long and vertical is very slimming, apparently, and detracts the eye away from your unsightly middle aged spread.

* Slightly shiny printed high polyester content top with wrapover detail front. Wrapover detail front will detract the eyes away from your unsightly middle aged spread. Apparently. The slightly shiny printed high polyester content is redolent of Christmas wrapping paper, so is an ideal choice, at Christmas.

* Black bootleg cut trousers which you think will cover a multitude of sins but instead will make you look as if your legs have a five foot circumference.

* Black shiny ankle boots - with very high stilettos and 25 inch long pointy toes. Very *sophisticated*, even though they make you walk with a very stiff gait with your arse sticking out.

* Perfume choice: Tweed by Lentheric. Now you are older, *sophisticated* and have a moustache, the days of wearing flowery girly fragrances or sexy orientals are over ladies.

Now, get back to the kitchen and shut your marff.

Tags: Loose Women, Jane McDonald.


Only two and a half days to go until the final final ever Vicar Of Dibley.

I will be doing some special breathing exercises throughout Christmas Day so that I can "pace" myself and not get too excited too early.

I might start to feel a bit dizzy by about 8 o'clock in the evening due to all the excitement, but then so will all of my lucky readers in Britain who'll be nervously waiting to view "the jewel in the crown of the BBC's feast of festive entertainment" (as they probably say at the BBC). Sorry, but I've no idea when the new (final final EVER) Dibley will be shown elsewhere in the world. However, in Turkmenistan, where that weird dictator has just died, they are celebrating the new found freedom by designating December 25th as Vicar Of Dibley Day, with end to end episodes of the classic show being broadcast on a loop.

Lucky old residents of Turkmenistan, eh?

Tags: Vicar Of Dibley Wallpaper

Friday, December 22, 2006


God bless Sky Plus. It means you can now press pause and rant at something on the telly. My poor old dad - all of his ranting meant that he missed most of what he was intending to watch (it usually revolved around swearing at Peter Bonetti or Cilla Black, or saying that all women on television were prostitutes, in case you are interested).

Anyway, some stuff on the box that I enjoyed in 2006 ...

That Jacques Peretti thing about darts players. There should be more Jacques Peretti documentaries on TV: I like his voice. A look inside Bobby George's Essex mansion and a study of darts players and fans. It sounds like it should've been crap, but it wasn't. You'll just have to take my word for it.

I Claudius, or One Clavdivs. Meant that we still occasionally boom out "HAS ANYONE HERE SLEPT WITH MY DAUGHTER?" in full-on Brian Blessed style. We are a pair of morons.

Prime Suspect. A pissed Helen Mirren dancing to an old Dusty Springfield record, ciggie in gob, in the dark. Heartbreaking. Pauline Fowler listening tearfully to a Dusty Springfield record, in the dark, a couple of months later. A coincidence.

The Sopranos and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Two old standbys. Curb is possibly past its peak but still provokes the odd guffaw. The Sopranos may have been slightly funnier in places.

Celebrity Big Brother - well, a few bits of it. Watching George Galloway mime dancing to Kraftwerk while wearing a latex bodystocking is the strangest thing in the world the first time you see it.

The Mayles Brothers documentaries shown on BBC 4. The Rolling Stones watching footage of Altamont. Marlon Brando on a publicity junket, flirting with every woman interviewing him to cringeworthy effect. Some salesmen travelling around America. Best of all, Grey Gardens. Well worth seeing any of them given the chance. Read about Grey Gardens here .

Zinedine Zidane headbutting Marco Materazzi. Did anything else happen in the World Cup? I don't remember. Oh yeah, Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff being interviewed while completely ratarsed. That was quite amusing.

Ingmar Bergman's Saraband. First time showing in Britain for the 2003 play. You've got to hand it to the grumpy old sod - still searching for the fundamental truth about people in an age where we're supposed to be flippant and stupid and love reality television. We should cherish him while he's still here.

That History Of Light Entertainment thing. Lots of bitter old gits who used to be famous in the 1970's. Everything on the telly had its roots in musical hall, as Stephen Fry told us week after week. One last resurrection of Max Miller, Max Wall, Chester "Where's Me Washboard?" Drawers and Tommy Handley before Roy Hudd kicks the bucket. Mrs Mopp becomes a cult figure around Britain as school yards resound to the shrill cry of "can I do yer naaaeew?"

*Disclaimer! I am the only person with a blog who doesn't watch Dr Who.




There, I've said it.




Does that mean I've "reached closure" now?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


YouTube or MySpace type links to some of the music I've liked this year. Only about two of you will be remotely interested in a morbid sort of way, but I like to make you suffer as appeasement for all that over indulgence. Hah!

Sexyback - Dustin Timberlake

Old Dustin sings through a comb and tissue paper as an irate wasp attempts to recreate the works of James Brown while trapped in a bottle. Brilliant.

Yeah Yeah - Bodyrox feat. Luciana

Despite the fact that Luciana is probably living on a trust fund. Should clear out the cobwebs. Nice boots, too. If anyone wants to buy me some of those boots (size 6) then e-mail me at the usual address.

On High - Soundpool

One thing I've had to come to terms with in the past few years is that I secretly love shoegazing music. I was in denial for years. Not sure if this song was out this year or not, but I only found out about it a few months ago. Great intro. Party like it's 1991.

The Cure And The Cause - Fish Go Deep

Sounds like the sort of MK-produced housey housey track I would've been listening to in the early '90's, at the same time that I was in denial about shoegazing bands. Look, I'm OLD and I like familiarity.

Let's Make Lerrrve And Listen To Death From Aberrrve - CSS

As the bloke on the telly said the other day, "at last, some women in indie music". Potty mouthed women at that. Wonderful album available from all good outlets.

Maneater - Nelly Furtado

Probably resulted in vast numbers of eight year olds saying "urgghh, I HATE Nelly FARTHARDER, hahahahaha" in the school playground. Another fabulous Timbaland production.

That Burial Album - Burial

Is liking Burial the bloggers' equivalent of a response to a midlife crisis on a par with buying a sports car or getting Botox treatment? Can't deny its greatness though.

Over And Over And Over And Over And Cetera - Hot Chip

More midlife crisis gimp music? Wonderful album The Warning available from all good outlets.

Ridin' - Chamillionaire feat. Krayzie Bone

Not as big a hit as it should have been in Britain. Blimey, Chamillionaire is a bit inbred looking, isn't he?

Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn & John

Chose the MySpace rather than the awful video. About the only drippy trad. indie song I've liked for some time. Don't think I could stomach a whole album by them though.

We Are Your Friends - Justice vs. Simian

Dance video devoid of anorexic dimwits in bikinis shocker!

Electro - Outwerk feat. Mr Gee

... on the other hand, this is the only video that Tom will enjoy watching.

*Disclaimer! I am very old and out of touch with the hit parade or what I'm supposed to be listening to. I officially retired from attending gigs, clubbing and reading the NME about 15 years ago. You have to maintain some sort of dignity, after all. Still, I'm allowed to have my say as much as people who know what they're talking about do. This is the internet, after all.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


You are a middle aged man. You have to decide which qualities are most attractive in a woman:

Life experience.
Ability to chew gum and walk at the same time.


"Youthful" "exuberance"
Inability to cover up your arse.

I think we know the answer to that one, don't we?

Mike Read appears to have got the one that was left over. Congratulations, Mike.

This post is dedicated to the lovely Spinsterella.

Monday, December 18, 2006


Right, bollocks, who cares anymore? It's only a week until you have to spend an hour and a half trying to work out how that fun for all the family DVD Christmas game works, then giving up and playing Pictionary with all the fucking family instead, cringing internally.

So I am going to review the year for the next few days, which is what you're supposed to do to prove that you're lightening up for the holiday season. Don't worry. It's going to be really shoddy.

First up:


* Lorraine saying "woow, LOOOK at that picture, beautifulbeautiful girrrull" at a photo of any woman who looks slightly more attractive than Ann Widdecombe.

* That bloke Mark Wotsisface who is the fashion "expert" saying "Orhh horr ... right, next up is Nesh, our plus size model (... I mean, she must be at least a size 12) in the Marks & Spencer dress".

Lorraine: "Ooooh, Markies!"

Mark Wotsisface: "I tell you what, who needs Missoni when you've got Marks & Spencer, orhh horr?"

* Lorraine talking about, and ruining, the future soap storylines with Tina Baker, ITV's fag haggiest woman.

* Lorraine interviewing cheeky rough diamond geezers such as Bradley Walsh and Shane Richie with lots of flirtation and throaty laughter involved.

* Keith Chegwin running around housing estates and inevitably shouting "WAY HEY!" accompanied by some Benny Hill-style music. One of the most distressing phenomena of the modern age.

* Mark Wotsisface commenting as YET AGAIN the picture of Sienna Miller in that gold mini dress/black opaque tights combo appears on screen:

"I tell you what, THIS is THEEE iconic party look you'll be wearing this season."

Lorraine: "oh woow, what can you say, beautifulbeautiful girrrull."

* Numerous interviews with women who have gained too much weight, lost too much weight, or had too much plastic surgery, all looking as miserable as sin.

* Ad breaks featuring that one where the ladies who lunch discuss a stool softening product.

* * * * * * *

Right, I'm off to queue up in the Post Office for about three days. Forthcoming: review of the year in pop music and television, and my blogging awards for 2006. All really pompous, earnest and dull. Bet you can't wait.

Saturday, December 16, 2006


Cue startling music. Probably the Portsmouth Sinfonia performing Also Sprach Zarathustra.

"You are about to go over a connection ...

which may not necessarily be a secure connection.

Do you wish to proceeeeeeeeed?"

"Your new Blogger account is waiting. Your new Blogger account offers you all sorts of shiny new features. Do you wish to proceed???"

You will have to sign up with Google when you sign to your new Blogger account.

"Once you have your new Blogger account, which, incidentally, we will no longer refer to as Beta Blogger, you can never return to the other side."

"You can only contact the other bloggers after the sun has gone down, and the spirits rise and go about their evil work among the earthbound. You can only look through the windows. You, the unseen outsider, standing in the cold and pining like Kate Bush in that white nightie ..."

"Oooh, it gets dark! It gets lonely! On the other side from yooooo!"


You can never return ...

Thursday, December 14, 2006


Oooh, this seems like quite a good idea, although it might not sound that good on your blogging CV: "I've won an Insignificant Award!"

Still, at least it is an antidote to the usual recognition given to blogs that already have had a lot of recognition.

Maybe you should go over there and offer your own choices (or even plug your own blog if you're a shameless self publicist and you really really need to).

Otherwise, it may end up as another self congratulatory win for one of the "wry, often whimsical musings from a thirtysomething British mother and wife exiled in Vienna with a husband who works in the diplomatic service ... I do a bit of freelance work with The Independent, but I don't like to talk about that, and I'm hoping to publish a book of children's stories when Max and Jocasta are old enough to go to school" brigade.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


I think that most men can fit neatly into the following categories: bully, bore, womaniser, chauvinist, narcissist, sociopath, liar, murderer and, if you're really, really unlucky, cricket fan. Often these categories overlap.

My exposure to the internet has only reinforced this opinion. Heh heh.

Fortunately, there are some good men out there who only have very mild symptoms of the above afflictions.

I am married to one, for which I'm eternally grateful.

It's his birthday today so go over here to pay your respects.

By way of a dedication, the picture reproduced above is of Eggert Magnusson, the first alien to venture into the cut throat football world and now owner of Geoff's beloved West Ham, who are going through troubled times at the moment.

Things can only get better.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


I have to say that this made me larff like a drain.

Thank you.

Friday, December 08, 2006


I'm sure you're all still dying to know the details of the annual birthday bash for the mother-in-law, AKA Die Uber Fuhrer.

I have to say that the incident in which the French waiter explained to her that the restaurant genuinely is a French restaurant (as detailed here) was up to Ricky Gervais levels of knuckle chewing embarrassment. I don't like knuckle chewing embarrassment, so I didn't make eye contact with any of the staff for the rest of the meal.

Some things I found out:

1. It was Robin Williams who was on Parkinson's show last weekend, not Robbie Williams, who is always on there. Robin Williams is ever so funny, apparently. Although I think I'd rather knock my own teeth out with a mallet than watch Robin Williams in either his rat-a-tat-tat knock 'em dead puns and silly voices guise, or, even worse, his touchy feely serious guise (always accompanied by a lot of facial hair).

2. Norma's big stupid son the fireman is coming home after doing some modelling in Dubai. According to the sister in law "he's quite good looking, but he's got no personality". I think he may have been modelling for this calendar:

(photo nicked from the blog of Monsieur Bookpacker, without permission. Hopefully I won't get sued. Monsieur Bookpacker has a very entertaining blog and a much more exciting life than me, so I'm sure he doesn't need to sue me. Oh no.)

Um, anyway ...

3. Because John Terry lookalike Stoooooooowuuuuurrtt and the sister in law are going on a skiing holiday to escape Christmas family get-together duties, there was much talk of salopettes on sale in TK Maxx. As, indeed, there was at last year's meal.

4. Ray is apparently the best thing left in The X-Factor. Is he the thirty six year old dwarf with the face of a ten year old? Or is that L'il Chris?

5. Sadly, no mention was made of Philip (AKA Fill-up) of Maureen and Philip fame, who now has a stair lift despite his being way too big to actually use it safely. As the mother-in-law once said, "he's always been a big man. He used to do things like get up during the night and eat a big chunk of cheese". He's also lived to a ripe old age for such a big man too. Apparently.

Right. Do I have to get into the festive spirit yet?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


I was tagged by the lovely Arabella, and I agreed to participate.

God knows why. Well, actually, it's because I don't want to feel "left out" innit? I hate doing memes and don't particularly like reading them but at least it gives me the deluded belief that I'm still "in" with the right bloggers, even though I've had my moment in the sun. As I said previously, we all lose our charms in the end, and I've been blogging for a few years now, so I've got to resign myself towards getting the usual Ole' Faithful three bedridden, drooling and confused readers from Ilfracombe. There are newer, more interesting kidz on tha block with amusing things to say about bath mats and stuff, or so I've heard. I'll just keep treading the boards though, and wait until *they* all come back to me on some sort of nostalgia trip, as if I am Gerry And The Bloody Bastard Pacemakers.

So, anyway, I am supposed to tell you five *things* about me. As this blog tends towards negativity, I've decided to tell you five negative *things*.

1. I've never had a full driving licence and have therefore kept a bit of death off the roads, so you should be grateful.

2. I've never owned a credit card. A fool and his money ...

3. I've never owned a mobile phone. You're talking a lot but you're not saying anything. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.

4. Apart from being told that I had a "special talent" by an art teacher at school, and being told that I was good looking when I was younger by a few people, I never knowingly received any praise from anyone before I began blogging. Still, the reason bloggers tend to get gushy and overpraise each other is because of the evil microwaves emitted from the computer screens making them lightheaded.

5. I've never had a job that I even remotely enjoy. It's a good thing that I've never been ambitious then, isn't it, heh.


Oh, and I'm supposed to bung this load of cognitive therapy bollockspeak at the end ...

"Remember that it isn't always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for; it can just as easily be something that you take for granted, like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it."

(Well, if someone is unfortunate enough to get knocked up with twins, or is so boring that all they can do with their spare time is grow fucking beetroot, then good luck to 'em, I say. I'm glad I'm not in their shoes.)

I can't think of three people to tag, because I'm not sure if three people still regularly read this blog anymore. If three people want to do the meme, then mention it in the comments box.

Friday, December 01, 2006


Christmas is coming, the goose is getting stuffed to bursting point, and across the nation X-Factor fever reaches fever pitch.


The winner is certain to get the Christmas number one on the hit parade, following such gargantuan stars as (quite literally) Big Michelle and (not literally) Satanic Steve Brookstein, with at least five weeks of promotional work on GMTV and mentions in the London Lite gossip pages to look forward to, plus an appearance on Celebrity Fat Club in 2012 pencilled in!

Who are this year's X-Factor big cheeses? Let's have a look at the final countdown!


They said it couldn't be done - but it could.

The Coronation Street twins are re-united at long last, through a love of music.

Older readers may recall them being The Street's Joe Bloggs-clad teen *tearaways* who once tried to liberate tha kidz of Weatherfield with their own pirate radio station, Radio Free Weatherfield, where they bravely spun records by Northside and MC Tunes to cobbled streets full of marauding drug crazed Madchester psychopaths for at least three hours.

Then their dad Jim put a stop to it all by marching into their bedroom and saying "are yoose pair BUCK STUPID or what? What if the police faind oyt? You'll be doing a spell in the big hoyse then, so ye will".

... anyway, after years of "travelling around the world" Andy, the plain looking one, is back to accompany balding "brother" Steve "in a music marriage made in heaven" (in their words).

Seen as a joke in the earlier weeks of X-Factor, especially by Simon Cowell, the twins have won judges and audiences alike over with their renditions of that song More Than Words (who was it by? Ugly Kid Joe or someone? I dunno.) and Nights In White Satin. Andy's tasteful acoustic guitar work and Steve's plaintive vocals could make inroads into the James Blunt/James Morrison market!


Frail, eccentric Jan has taken audiences on an emotional rollercoaster over the past forty weeks. However, there's a dazzling, eccentric, Bjork or Joanna Newsom style talent in the kooky up-and-down-the-scales vocals and quirky accordian playing, if you want to look for it, and if that's your sort of thing. It isn't mine, so I won't be voting for her.


Barry, a 22 stone security guard from Aldershot, is seen as the people's favourite, a big guy with a big personality and a huge voice which booms to the back of the auditorium. He says his favourite singers are "that bloke off of The Commitments", Frank Sinatra (whom he describes as "simply the guvnor, mate") and Vinnie Jones. He's wowed us all belting out Long Tall Sally, Mustang Sally and In The Midnight Hour, but showed us he has a more understated touch with a masterful performance of The Best Is Yet To Come. Is he the new Vinnie Jones, or the new Michael Buble? Only you, the voter, can decide!

Oooh, I'm getting all excited now!

Tags: Northside, Big Michelle Off Of The X-Factor, Vinnie Jones, Fat Blokes.

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