Saturday, December 23, 2006
FOR WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
The Christmas Day smart/casual look that should be chosen by all middle aged women:
* Long hair with lots of flicky bits and a heavy fringe to cover up those horizontal forehead lines. In theory, people who see you from a fair distance away or in a poor light will think you are about 27.
* Slightly clarety red lipstick to bring a bit of warmth to the haggard, ashen complexion which has resulted from a lifetime of disappointment, boozing and chainsmoking.
* Tons of blusher to bring a bit of warmth to the haggard ... etc.
* Long string of beads. Anything long and vertical is very slimming, apparently, and detracts the eye away from your unsightly middle aged spread.
* Slightly shiny printed high polyester content top with wrapover detail front. Wrapover detail front will detract the eyes away from your unsightly middle aged spread. Apparently. The slightly shiny printed high polyester content is redolent of Christmas wrapping paper, so is an ideal choice, at Christmas.
* Black bootleg cut trousers which you think will cover a multitude of sins but instead will make you look as if your legs have a five foot circumference.
* Black shiny ankle boots - with very high stilettos and 25 inch long pointy toes. Very *sophisticated*, even though they make you walk with a very stiff gait with your arse sticking out.
* Perfume choice: Tweed by Lentheric. Now you are older, *sophisticated* and have a moustache, the days of wearing flowery girly fragrances or sexy orientals are over ladies.
Now, get back to the kitchen and shut your marff.
Tags: Loose Women, Jane McDonald.
* Long hair with lots of flicky bits and a heavy fringe to cover up those horizontal forehead lines. In theory, people who see you from a fair distance away or in a poor light will think you are about 27.
* Slightly clarety red lipstick to bring a bit of warmth to the haggard, ashen complexion which has resulted from a lifetime of disappointment, boozing and chainsmoking.
* Tons of blusher to bring a bit of warmth to the haggard ... etc.
* Long string of beads. Anything long and vertical is very slimming, apparently, and detracts the eye away from your unsightly middle aged spread.
* Slightly shiny printed high polyester content top with wrapover detail front. Wrapover detail front will detract the eyes away from your unsightly middle aged spread. Apparently. The slightly shiny printed high polyester content is redolent of Christmas wrapping paper, so is an ideal choice, at Christmas.
* Black bootleg cut trousers which you think will cover a multitude of sins but instead will make you look as if your legs have a five foot circumference.
* Black shiny ankle boots - with very high stilettos and 25 inch long pointy toes. Very *sophisticated*, even though they make you walk with a very stiff gait with your arse sticking out.
* Perfume choice: Tweed by Lentheric. Now you are older, *sophisticated* and have a moustache, the days of wearing flowery girly fragrances or sexy orientals are over ladies.
Now, get back to the kitchen and shut your marff.
Tags: Loose Women, Jane McDonald.
Comments:
You could take over from that patronizing South African bint on "10 Years Younger" Betty.
# posted by 
: 6:16 pm
: 6:16 pm
MJ - too true. I always buy clothes that are two sizes too small and let the cellulite hang out, but I fancied something more subdued now I'm approaching my 100th birthday.
I'm disappointed in you MJ - that blog you linked to is awful! What a load of half baked crap.
Istvanski - well, you just have to let everything else slide to make the time. The house is like a tip, with cockroaches and rats crawling over every surface. Mind you, I suppose it's the same with you having to make time to see Crystal Palace!
Murph - didn't she say "you look beautiful - you look just like me!" to one of the poor sods who had loads of surgery just so that really stupid people could say "ooh, she's probably about 37" to her?
I'm disappointed in you MJ - that blog you linked to is awful! What a load of half baked crap.
Istvanski - well, you just have to let everything else slide to make the time. The house is like a tip, with cockroaches and rats crawling over every surface. Mind you, I suppose it's the same with you having to make time to see Crystal Palace!
Murph - didn't she say "you look beautiful - you look just like me!" to one of the poor sods who had loads of surgery just so that really stupid people could say "ooh, she's probably about 37" to her?
I don't do smart casual. There's smart (which is what I wear to work) or casual (Per Una jeans, trainers, sweatshirt) and sometimes "disposable" (the on-the-point-of-being-binned clothing I wear for messy jobs involving decorating, car-care or mucky gardening). This makes clothes choices so much easier and my wardrobe so much more compact. My sister does elegant, chici, smart, smart smart casual, smart casual, smartish casual, casual, scruffy casual and downright scruffy (but only when unwell and indoors). Her 2nd double bedroom is a walk-in wardrobe with more rails of clothes than an M&S stock room.
Llewtrah - I wish I was even remotely organised. A neat, capsule wardrobe is just a pipe dream. I hoard stuff, don't have a system and am pretty untidy, with a wardrobe stuffed full of things I can never access or which I refuse to get rid of. Pretty much sums up my life really!
I've jsut bunged everything that was strewn on the bedroom floor into the wardrobe. I didn't even hang it up I just shoved it all in at the bottom under the pretense that I'll sort it out tomorrow. I wish I had that gift of buying six items of clothing and making various combinations of natty outfits throughout the week. It's not fair - and I wish I was an entrepeneur that had the sort of brain that thought of clever things that everyone wanted to buy and therefore be a millionaire by the time I was as old as I was 10 years ago.
Oh, I keep "meaning" to sort out stuff in my wardrobe, get rid of stuff in the loft, arrange CD's in some sort of category order ... I bet when I'm old and go bonkers I'm going to end up being one of those awful people who hoards loads of stuff like old prams and televisions and bags of stinking refuse, and the environmental health people will be after me and I'll end up getting evicted, and ...
Ahem.
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Ahem.
