Sunday, May 25, 2008


Solid Balkans, Terry - solid Balkans

An emergency Bank Holiday Weekend cabinet meeting is being held in Downing Street today after the shocking news that Terry Wogan no longer "thinks that the Eurovision Song Contest is any kind of contest about singing or music or songs or that" and says that he "can't be arsed to turn up next year, even with the five star hotels and the posh restaurants and the lavish hospitality and the top notch cocaine and the high class prozzies they lay on for you".

After eighty seven years of commentating on Eurovision, Terry has had a bit of a toddler tantrum because the UK's Singing Binman came joint last in the pan-European vote.

The winning entry was by Russia's Dima Bilan, backed by Daily Star astrologer Justin Toper doing some ice skating for no apparent reason.

As far as Terry was concerned, this was a new low for the Song Contest. 

In the Eurovision days of wine and roses, good, solid, stodgy, earnest ballads from the Free West were triumphant at Eurovision, and the Soviet-controlled satellite state hordes knew their place - working on their smallholdings from dusk until midnight, eating pickled cabbage, playing the accordion and drinking themselves into a stupor with vast quantities of paint stripper-like plum brandy.  

This year, the filthy Bolshevik peasant scum of the former Eastern Bloc countries conspired to make Eurovision a laughing stock and Terry wants to wash his hands of the event ...

... unless the BBC pays him about fifteen million quid to cover next year's contest and the licence fee subsequently goes up to £20,000 per household.

In the meantime, the Government has to do a damage limitation exercise and come up with ideas for new presenters for future Eurovision Song Contests.  

A few names are already in the hat.  They are:

Graham Norton
Kate Thornton
Katy Boyle
Natasha Kaplinsky
Simon Amstell
Bruce Forsyth
Vernon Kay & Tess Daly
Peter Kay
Myleeeeeneee Klaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Ant And Dec
Adrian "Voodoo" Chiles
That Drummer From The Kaiser Chiefs
Amanda Holden ("onto the headboard for dear life")
Jayne Macdonald

What do you think?  Keep the ideas coming.  As a nation, we need to pull together in this time of great crisis.

* * * * * * * 
(Oh yeah, and of course we voted for Sebastien Tellier in our house.  Wasn't he wonderful?)

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Friday, May 23, 2008


I've run out of ideas for posts, so have looked through my archives. 

This is the equivalent of finding something crumpled from the bottom of the wardrobe because everything else is in the wash.

Still, the following post is fairly timely, because at the weekend The Kaiser Chiefs play at Elland Road Stadium on Saturday and Leeds United are facing Doncaster Rovers in the final of the League One play offs at Wembley on Sunday.  Click here to see a 1970's style interview and crap photo of The Kaiser Chiefs self consciously waving scarves about.

... so, in the most tenuous way possible, this post is dedicated to Leeds supporter Beth off of
Girl On A Train (who has mastered the art of the short and well written post and therefore I am envious of her) ... even though she probably doesn't like The Kaiser Chiefs and will be biting her nails down to the quick on Sunday.  Best of luck, Beth.

* * * * * * *

I had a dream that we were on holiday in my childhood home town. We were walking around the backstreets and memories of days gone by came flooding back.

The reverie was broken by the sound of a screeching car swerving up the kerb. We had to run for our lives.

The driver was that keyboard player with the hat on from The Kaiser Chiefs.

It turned out that Geoff had written something that wasn't particularly complimentary about The Kaiser Chiefs on his blog. The man with the hat on had obviously not taken kindly to it.

It was fucking scary. He followed us around the streets, slowing down then speeding up again.
In the end, we had to hide under the bridge by the town's railway station. That threw him off the scent, thank gawd.

The surprising thing is, I would've thought that the one out of the Kaiser Chiefs to have got upset would have been the drummer. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, that drummer is a sinister bugger. He has megalomaniac tendencies. How many other bands have drummers who write the songs? How many other bands have drummers who do all the interviews and seemingly shoo the singer out of the spotlight?

Exactly ... the only other drummer I'm aware of who has such control freak tendencies is Dave Clark, who now owns about a quarter of the world and has Flying V eyebrows.

You see what'll happen.  In 20 years' time, that drummer from The Kaiser Chiefs will be Rupert Murdoch. Don't say I didn't warn you.

That keyboard player in the hat though ... MENTALIST ...


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Monday, May 19, 2008


I've been surrounded by a lot of of disturbing phenomena in the last few days. Whenever I think of any of the following things that I've encountered, I feel a bit queasy.

1. I was informed by the mother in law that she was sat next to R*ger at lunch after a bowls do, and a bogey was dangling from his nostril, on her side.

2. The infamous Amy 'n' Pete 'n' baby mice video. "Wow! Look at the veins, you can see the blood pumping round the body!"

3. We watched a film called Hukkle which follows the *daily* life of some residents of a Hungarian village. Truly fucking disturbing. A toothless, permanently grinning, walnut faced old bloke has very annoying hiccups and reappears throughout, sat in front of a cottage. A pig with testicles the size of punch bags mounts a sow as a (human) couple look on in a state of satisfaction, having a celebratory drink. At a gathering of villagers at a meal a woman prepares a plate of (bleugh) pureed chicken for a man in dungarees who presumably couldn't be bothered to wear his dentures. Bleugh, BLEUGH. PUREED CHICKEN.

4. The story on the Holy Moly Mailout about Amanda Holden and Les Dennis. Probably freaked me out even more than the previous three.

We're living through the final days on this earth. Only Tom Cruise can save us, but I don't want to think of his maniacal, grinning face, because I'll start bawling.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Don't get it.  Don't care.  Won't be going to see it.

I mean ... four malnourished middle aged women who are continuously doing nothing but running around after men?  Wearing dresses with corsages so big that, if they stood too close to the Crystal Palace transmitter, they'd be able to pick up German porn channels ("Aaah!  Maria!  Du bist so schon!!!"), NASA, a martian phoning home ("I'm on the train") and a New Zealand league rugby match ... simultaneously?

Jeez ... look, I'm staring down the barrel of the menopause meself and am starting to worry about whether I talk to myself in the supermarket, AND I have inappropriate thoughts about the boy in David Guetta's Baby When The Light video ... but even I'm not quite that much of an embarrassment!

Anyone who is middle aged (i.e., over thirty) and is going to see this film with their *girly* mates should be banished to the Isle Of Man to live their life in penury.  Anyone who is going to do the same but is under the age of thirty ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  YOU SHOULD BE OUT CLUBBING INSTEAD!

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Saturday, May 10, 2008


Yesterday, I saw a man walk past with a ring tailed parakeet on his shoulder. I kept looking back at him and ... the parakeet was still there.

First the fish incident, now this.

Am I living through some sort of neo-psychedelic avian/sub aquatic nightmare?

Did you ever see a woman coming out of New York City with a frog in her hand?

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Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Tim "I'll Get Me Coat" Footman has stipulated that readers of Cultural Snow must post a meme in which we provide eight facts about a famous individual.

It was decreed that I tell you something or other about Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

1. Although he sounds as if he should have been a Druze farmer in the Golan Heights, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole was in fact a Hawaiian musician and singer.

2. Other famous Hawaiian musicians include Yvonne Elliman, who had a worldwide hit with If I Can't Have You (as featured on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack) and sleep/coma/suicide inducing surfer boy Jack Johnson.

3. Israel's band featured his brother Skippy, the only marsupial I can think of to have success in the music industry. He brought a hip *hop* element to Israel's music. His other influences included *Bush* and *Joey* Ramone, and his favourite song was Staring At The *Roo'd* Boys by The Ruts.

4. Israel's biggest hit was a medley of the songs Over The Rainbow and Wonderful World. A strange choice - the pining melancholy of the first contradicts the beatific joy of the second, er, if you ask me. It features a ukulele (like most of his other songs, it seems. Did he play ukulele on all of 'em?) Actually, it sounds like a cod reggae medley and goes on a bit.

5. Other famous ukulele wielding artistes include innuendo king George Formby and cross dressing fantasist Robert Swipe.

6. Israel was morbidly obese, and would've given Ric Waller a run for his money. Imagine those two doing a tour of the cruise ships - what a hazard! I've heard of a performer sinking like a stone in front of the audience, but not sending the audience down into the murky watery depths with them! Unfortunately, Israel died of weight-related problems in 1997, aged just 38. If only he'd lived long enough to meet Amy Winehouse, they could've cancelled out their problems between them.

7. Israel was one of only three people to be given a state funeral in Hawaii, and the only non-politician. Fingers crossed that Jack Johnson doesn't get a state funeral, eh?

8. Ten years after his death, Israel had his biggest success ever in the US, when his album Wonderful World climbed to number 44 "on the" Billboard Chart. Fair enough, but it doesn't quite rival the post-death success of Tupac Shakur (or "Two Park" as he is known to Tim "Ookaay, Let's Gooooooooo!!!!!!!!" Westwood).

There you have it. I'm probably going to receive loads of abusive e-mails and comments from rabid Israel Kamakawiwo'ole fans six months from now telling me that I'm an ignorant, empty headed fat virgin bitch who deserves a good slapping. Well, I'd never heard of him before and this is meant to be a "light hearted" post or something like that. Will that do? Can I go out into the lovely sunshine now?

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Saturday, May 03, 2008


There have been a slew of anti-Boris Johnson posts by Londonbastard Wild Salmon On A Bed Of Poncey Wild Weird Rice Guardian Reading Four Hundred Grand Mortgage Whingeing Spoiltbastard Loony Lefty Shoe Recycling types, so I thought I'd better add to that slew while being less informed as to how we could've avoided Boris getting in by really complicated tactical voting.

So, I'm looking ahead to the next mayoral elections, and guessing who the potential candidates could be.  How are they going to appeal to the sort of lovely, salt of the urff Laaaahndann types who voted for Boris because "IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TIME TO GET RID OF THE BENDY BUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or because "Boris is a larfff!"?

Here are a few suggestions as to who could get in, given the way the *wind is blowing* in politics.


S'obvious really.  Salt of the urff cockerneeees love Jim because "I'm sorry, he speaks his mind and you can't do that these days with all that political correctness, can you?"  Woman hating, homophobic, racist, insulting to people in wheelchairs, thinks jokes about rape are funny - this is the sort of truth that cockerneees love to hear!  Best of all, as old people are fond of telling you, Jim DOES A LOT OF CHARITY WORK FOR THE ARMED FORCES.  I rest my case.  If he doesn't get in with a landslide vote, I'll eat my wig.


Lovely, fragrant Lily (23) has had her really very good chat show recommissioned by BBC3!  In an interview, she responded to claims that she'd only got on in showbiz because of her rich background.  Apparently, people only criticised her because they were *jealous* and poor, and the reason they were poor was because their mothers were too lazy to get off their fat arses and get a job!  There you have it in a nutshell.  Cockneys love whingeing about how they're hardworking tax payers who the Government are taxing to the hilt, and they've only got five cars in the drive, a mock Tudor manor in Essex and only have four holidays a year but they got off their arses and looked for work, innit, and if they want to charge ten grand to put a conservatory up for you over six months then that's their business innit?  Good call, Lily!


Actually, I'd vote for this pair.  Most Londoners whinge about public transport, so why not get people who actually work in public transport to put forward a few ideas of their own, as they're insiders?  Unfortunately, having some kind of insight into real jobs, rather than being A Media Figure might not go down too well with the public.  Er, the fact that Blakey is a character from an ITV comedy rather than a real person might work against him, but you never know ...


Former comely, sexy Miss Brahms off of Are You Being Served?  The cruel passage of time meant that she ended up being hatchet faced dragon Pauline Fowler (... or it could end up being due to the fact that people end up getting the face they deserve!)  Londoners love hatchet faced dragons though - for example, the Queen Mother and Margaret Thatcher.


A Mancunian of course, but the fact that he's a old fashioned, macho sexist pig who likes to beat people up appeals to cockernees who think that the police don't have enough powers to beat people up, or preferably kill them in custody.  The fact that he's actually a character from a couple of BBC dramatisations rather than a real person might work against him, but you never know ...

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Friday, May 02, 2008


In the wake of Liverpool FC's defeat by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final, news emerges today of a soon to be released charity single.

Still reeling from the tragedy of the defeat, stars from Liverpool have pulled together in typical heroic Scouse fashion to provide vocals for the single. It promises to be a completely ghastly, acoustic version of Ferry 'Cross The Mersey. All proceeds for the single will go to the Emergency Liverpool As Victim Relief Fund.

Appearing on the single will be a host of local heroes and heroines. Already confirmed are Atomic Kitten, Gerry "'Cross The Mersey" Marsden, that bloke with the terrible mullet from China Crisis, Margi Clarke, Roger McGough, Barry Grant (formerly of Brookside), Sinbad (one time Sinbad Off Brookside, now Sinbad Off Coronation Street With That Kebab Shop), Peter Hooton from The Farm, Carla Fucking Fucking Lane, Phil Redmond, and possibly some other professional Scousers.

The biggest coup is the appearance of The Three Crying, Sensitive, Beardy, Liverpool Dramatists - Willie Russell, Alan Bleasdale and Jimmy McGovern.

Willy Russell: boo hoo hoo

Alan Bleasdale: boo hoo hoo

Jimmy McGovern: boo hoo hoo

Speaking today, in between bouts of tearfulness, Alan Bleasdale said the following:

"This is the thing about the great people of Liverpool. During times of crisis, we always pull together. Even Evertonians I've spoken to have told me how much they're behind this project ..."

(breaks off for several minutes of crying)

"... the courage of these people. Despite the atrocious bias of the referee in this game, and the stupid penalty decision, and the evil blight of the Mafiosi stooge Lampard, and the complete tragedy of the result, the population of Liverpool has been resilient. We've had to be, over the thirty thousand years of our proud history. Liverpool has always been a victim of the cruel, southern biased British empire, but we've always held our own, between the tears and the suffering"

(starts sobbing again).

Anyway, the single will be made available online at the start of next week and will cost £5.00 to download. All proceeds from the sale will go towards starting up a Beardy Liverpool Playwrights Workshop, so that the ordinary people of Liverpool will be able to get into theatre as a way of expressing their pain. Oh, and a free box of tissues will be donated to every household in Liverpool so that the entire city's population can sit down and have a good cry.

They don't care what your name is boy - they'll never turn you away.

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