Saturday, May 03, 2008


There have been a slew of anti-Boris Johnson posts by Londonbastard Wild Salmon On A Bed Of Poncey Wild Weird Rice Guardian Reading Four Hundred Grand Mortgage Whingeing Spoiltbastard Loony Lefty Shoe Recycling types, so I thought I'd better add to that slew while being less informed as to how we could've avoided Boris getting in by really complicated tactical voting.

So, I'm looking ahead to the next mayoral elections, and guessing who the potential candidates could be.  How are they going to appeal to the sort of lovely, salt of the urff Laaaahndann types who voted for Boris because "IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TIME TO GET RID OF THE BENDY BUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or because "Boris is a larfff!"?

Here are a few suggestions as to who could get in, given the way the *wind is blowing* in politics.


S'obvious really.  Salt of the urff cockerneeees love Jim because "I'm sorry, he speaks his mind and you can't do that these days with all that political correctness, can you?"  Woman hating, homophobic, racist, insulting to people in wheelchairs, thinks jokes about rape are funny - this is the sort of truth that cockerneees love to hear!  Best of all, as old people are fond of telling you, Jim DOES A LOT OF CHARITY WORK FOR THE ARMED FORCES.  I rest my case.  If he doesn't get in with a landslide vote, I'll eat my wig.


Lovely, fragrant Lily (23) has had her really very good chat show recommissioned by BBC3!  In an interview, she responded to claims that she'd only got on in showbiz because of her rich background.  Apparently, people only criticised her because they were *jealous* and poor, and the reason they were poor was because their mothers were too lazy to get off their fat arses and get a job!  There you have it in a nutshell.  Cockneys love whingeing about how they're hardworking tax payers who the Government are taxing to the hilt, and they've only got five cars in the drive, a mock Tudor manor in Essex and only have four holidays a year but they got off their arses and looked for work, innit, and if they want to charge ten grand to put a conservatory up for you over six months then that's their business innit?  Good call, Lily!


Actually, I'd vote for this pair.  Most Londoners whinge about public transport, so why not get people who actually work in public transport to put forward a few ideas of their own, as they're insiders?  Unfortunately, having some kind of insight into real jobs, rather than being A Media Figure might not go down too well with the public.  Er, the fact that Blakey is a character from an ITV comedy rather than a real person might work against him, but you never know ...


Former comely, sexy Miss Brahms off of Are You Being Served?  The cruel passage of time meant that she ended up being hatchet faced dragon Pauline Fowler (... or it could end up being due to the fact that people end up getting the face they deserve!)  Londoners love hatchet faced dragons though - for example, the Queen Mother and Margaret Thatcher.


A Mancunian of course, but the fact that he's a old fashioned, macho sexist pig who likes to beat people up appeals to cockernees who think that the police don't have enough powers to beat people up, or preferably kill them in custody.  The fact that he's actually a character from a couple of BBC dramatisations rather than a real person might work against him, but you never know ...

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Yes, Boris wants to 'bring back' a new generation of Routemasters (so that the 3 remaining American tourists who ain't scared to leave the US have got something to take photos of during their 2hr whistlestop tour of Europe inside a rocket-proof Humvee) - but the problem is that no one's actually designed or built them yet...(the buses), so presumably this will be done by a company that has one of his relatives as a director and be done for a cost of tens of millions and which'll be picked up by the tax-payer...which'll mean yr council tax'll go up again and you'll all moan, but it'll be too late cos we'll have a "real* Tory Government for 5 years and you'll not be able to do anything about it - 6 months for a teenth of spliff, I say! Zero Tolerance! Bring back the birch!

It's the beginning of The End Days, I tell ya! In 6 years time you won't believe how good you used to have it. Wait til they roll out Thatcher in a chair with life-support attached, like Davros...

His other great idea is to get rid of the congestion charge in the West End which has hit the wine bars and private members clubs around Sloan Square something wicked apparently.

Interesting that most of your proposed candidates are either actors (or have been to stage school)...lol. Lily Allen also 'designs' her own clothes and gosh aren't they lovely...shapeless dresses made from old curtains & twinned with Adidas trainers. It's like she's been cloned to resemble her own target audience lol. On yer bike, luv! (lily, not you lol)
I thought you and Boris would get along very well, Betty. You've both upset half the population of Liverpool at any rate.

What about shipping in Willie Russell, Alan Bleasdale and Jimmy McGovern as a "dream ticket"?
Lily should have plenty of time for this sort of thing now that she's off the judge's panel for the Orange Prize for fiction.
Kek - what is the big thing about Routemaster buses? Do people want London to look like it did in the 1960's? Maybe Boris should have proposed to spend millions of pounds giving Carnaby Street and the Kings Road a refurb. Really don't know what was in the minds of all the people who voted for him, unless they were all blindly obeying orders from the Evening Standard. I wouldn't be surprised if loads of people from the, ahem, entertainment world do come forward as candidates the next time there's a mayoral election, if they think that Boris can win because he's played the idiot on Have I Got News For You. As for Lily Allen ... just fed up of all of the children of showbiz people and their brilliant careers - they can't *just* be singers, they have to demonstrate how they can design clothes, present TV shows, do some modelling, DJ-ing, all that bollocks. Why can't they just stick to falling out of nightclubs?

Murph - yeah, it's a terrible thought that I've got something in common with Boris, apart from the obvious fact that we're both from incredibly privileged backgrounds. Willy, Alan and Jimmy probably wouldnt be much of a dream ticket. On the campaign trail, they'd spend too long crying to get anything done, and would all miss being away from The Pool Of Life.

MJ - I know, poor Lily, having to leave the panel for the Orange shortlist like that, apparently because she was so ill. Next thing you know, she's falling out of nightclubs all over the place (as usual). Funny that. Mind you, better not say too much or I'll have my old mate Rocios over here again ;)
The fact that Stephen Lewis recently crashed his Ford Fiesta into a bus stop makes him the ideal candidate.
However, I feel there are more pressing life issues like West Brom becoming champions. What are your thoughts on that? Over to you, Betty...
Everybody is scared and this is why McCain will win in the USA. It's a pity that there weren't more Actors running like Reagan..people love Actors because they think that they know them.

Poor Vicus..I was worried that he might have a stroke because of Boris. Oh well. You might as well go trash a restaurant and join in all of those other time honoured Etonian shenanigans.
Istvanski - don't have any real opinions on West Brom winning the Championship. Not that much of a football fan, and, even though I'm from the West Midlands, don't actually remember anybody being a West Brom fan. They seemed like an invisible team. I'm sure Frank Skinner will be cock a hoop. What's he doing these days, eh?

Donn - most actors these days are liberals though, aren't they? The days of Reagan and Charlton Heston are well and truly over (pity, heh heh). I'd hate to think of Tom Cruise becoming president. What a nightmare! It's not just Vicus - all of we bloggers seem to be getting into a state over Boris. What a predicable, whiney, lefty lot we are.
'The fact that he's actually a character from a couple of BBC dramatisations rather than a real person might work against him, but you never know'.
What - you mean that Boris is a real person!
Gorblimey Betty. First Liverpool, then London. Is this some sort of UK tour? Looking forward to seeing who's next. They're quaking in Glasgow.

Still can't quite fathom why the jellied eel types are attracted to Boris. Still, I suppose they were tired of Ken and couldn't bring themselves to vote for a gay copper, bless their little homophobic hearts.
Kaz - noo, I didn't mean that Boris is a real person. How could you think that? Do you think that over a million Londoners would have voted for a real person?

Malc - I'm not quite daft enough to have a go at Glaswegians. I value my life too much for that! As for the cockernees, they always have to moan about something. I'm sure they'll be moaning about Boris in a few weeks' time - just you wait. I was quite impressed by Brian Paddick's confession on the BBC news interview the other night that his second choice on the election ballot paper was the Left List candidate. Perhaps he'll be flogging copies of the Morning Star in his next career move ...
"Do people want London to look like it did in the 1960's?" -Yes. LOL

Lots of people who weren't there think it was a Golden Age, innit.

The whole idea of 'public personas' is fascinating to me - how people buy into a media perception of what someone is like, when they don't really know them...no wonder PR is such a boom industry...everyone 'loves' Boris' eccentric bumbling buffoon persona, but will they love 'his' policies...why do people still fall for the myth that the Tories (or any other political party, but particularly the Tories) care about their lives...as a protest vote it was a rather foolish one...but hey, it's MayDay - let's have a populist uprising... after we all get back from B&Q lol.
I quite fancy Lily Allen now. I never did before. Why on earth is that?

And why do people care so much about buses? All buses are evil and should be destroyed. Why haven't we invented teleporters yet? I blame the scientists.

The simple fact is the Boris was the first genuine competition that Ken has faced. In the current climate, he was always doomed.

I think it'll probably work out ok. In the same way that voting in Red Ken for 8 years didn't turn London into a Marxist Commune, I somehow doubt that Boris's tenure will turn it into a dystopian 1984 Police state. The irony is that there is so much red tape and change takes so long to implement, most of the changes will be purely cosmetic. Like whether buses or long and thin or short and tall. Vive la revolution.
Kek - yeah, what draws people to vote for, ahem, personalities, or the projection of personality? To what extent do they see that they're being manipulated and that the person who's elected is just a figurehead for a whole team of lackeys? Virtually all politicians are careerists and I would guess that most people are aware of that but vote in a cynical and negative way (... but I can't be sure). Does anyone think David Cameron is an inspiring character and a role model to aspire to? I dread to think ...

Del - re: Lily Allen. Blondes have more fun, perhaps? Buses are shite, but for some reason a lot of Londoners see them as, hem hem, an *iconic* symbol of London culture. I doubt that there will be a huge sea change in the way London is run, and the effects on people who live there won't be too noticeable. Don't like the fact that we're heading back towards Tory rule though, having lived through three thousand years of Thatcherism. I suppose whoever gets into government isn't likely to be ideal, but I'd still prefer not to have a Conservative Prime Minister, thank you very much.
"I quite fancy Lily Allen now. I never did before. Why on earth is that?"

You're (a) drunk, (b) on ecstacy, (c) both.

"I somehow doubt that Boris's tenure will turn it into a dystopian 1984 Police state..."

Errrrr...already happened, innit lol.
My other half walked past and read the bit about how we're living in a dystopian 1984 police state and said "well, Hard Fi would certainly agree". Dunno how he knows so much about the collected works of Hard Fi ...
ah, public transit is it? then the man you want for the job of bollixing it all up would be Neil Goldschmidt! of course you'll have no idea who that is or what I mean by it, but I do, and I've been drinking so there you go.
Nations is drunk on tequila from her birthday yesterday (which I shamefacedly forgot to acknowledge) and she's going all over the blogosphere leaving senseless comments.

It's only once a year.
Nations just left a case of tequila on my doorstep.

Free booze.

You gotta love that woman.
FN - no probs, just looked him up on Google. He had a relationship with a fourteen year old girl, which makes our two main mayoral candidates look like beacons of moral virtue by comparison (just about). Happy birthday! Carry on drinking.

MJ - HOW COME I HAVEN'T HAD A FREE CASE OF TEQUILA? I know you're virtually next door over the border, but it's still not enough of an excuse. I'm sending all of my readers a case of homemade rhubarb wine on my birthday (WHICH IS JULY 2ND, THAT'S JULY 2ND) - even the lovely Rocios.
All the best bloggers are Cancerians.

*neglects to reveal actual birth date for fear of being inundated with gifts from well-wishers*
MJ - all the best people, full stop, are Cancerians. For instance, Larry David, whose birthday is JULY 2ND, THE SAME DAY AS MY BIRTHDAY. Hmm, I know what kind of presents you'd probably receive from your readers. You reap what you sow ;)
Larry David?! I'm so envious.

But I bet you don't have Season 6 of Curb like I do.

*goes and turns up the theme tune real loud for Betty to hear*
MJ - oh, Ive got lots of patience. There are sooo many DVD series to get through anyway. Good things come to those who wait.
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