Sunday, May 25, 2008
TERRY WOGAN'S SOLID BALKANS
Solid Balkans, Terry - solid Balkans
An emergency Bank Holiday Weekend cabinet meeting is being held in Downing Street today after the shocking news that Terry Wogan no longer "thinks that the Eurovision Song Contest is any kind of contest about singing or music or songs or that" and says that he "can't be arsed to turn up next year, even with the five star hotels and the posh restaurants and the lavish hospitality and the top notch cocaine and the high class prozzies they lay on for you".
After eighty seven years of commentating on Eurovision, Terry has had a bit of a toddler tantrum because the UK's Singing Binman came joint last in the pan-European vote.
The winning entry was by Russia's Dima Bilan, backed by Daily Star astrologer Justin Toper doing some ice skating for no apparent reason.
As far as Terry was concerned, this was a new low for the Song Contest.
After eighty seven years of commentating on Eurovision, Terry has had a bit of a toddler tantrum because the UK's Singing Binman came joint last in the pan-European vote.
The winning entry was by Russia's Dima Bilan, backed by Daily Star astrologer Justin Toper doing some ice skating for no apparent reason.
As far as Terry was concerned, this was a new low for the Song Contest.
In the Eurovision days of wine and roses, good, solid, stodgy, earnest ballads from the Free West were triumphant at Eurovision, and the Soviet-controlled satellite state hordes knew their place - working on their smallholdings from dusk until midnight, eating pickled cabbage, playing the accordion and drinking themselves into a stupor with vast quantities of paint stripper-like plum brandy.
This year, the filthy Bolshevik peasant scum of the former Eastern Bloc countries conspired to make Eurovision a laughing stock and Terry wants to wash his hands of the event ...
... unless the BBC pays him about fifteen million quid to cover next year's contest and the licence fee subsequently goes up to £20,000 per household.
In the meantime, the Government has to do a damage limitation exercise and come up with ideas for new presenters for future Eurovision Song Contests.
A few names are already in the hat. They are:
Graham Norton
Kate Thornton
Katy Boyle
Natasha Kaplinsky
Simon Amstell
Bruce Forsyth
Vernon Kay & Tess Daly
Peter Kay
Myleeeeeneee Klaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Ant And Dec
Adrian "Voodoo" Chiles
That Drummer From The Kaiser Chiefs
Amanda Holden ("onto the headboard for dear life")
Jayne Macdonald
What do you think? Keep the ideas coming. As a nation, we need to pull together in this time of great crisis.
* * * * * * *
(Oh yeah, and of course we voted for Sebastien Tellier in our house. Wasn't he wonderful?)
Labels: Eastern Bloc, Justin Toper, spread 'em for the girls, Terry Wogan's solid Balkans, that drummer from The Kaiser Chiefs, the Free West
