Sunday, May 25, 2008


Solid Balkans, Terry - solid Balkans

An emergency Bank Holiday Weekend cabinet meeting is being held in Downing Street today after the shocking news that Terry Wogan no longer "thinks that the Eurovision Song Contest is any kind of contest about singing or music or songs or that" and says that he "can't be arsed to turn up next year, even with the five star hotels and the posh restaurants and the lavish hospitality and the top notch cocaine and the high class prozzies they lay on for you".

After eighty seven years of commentating on Eurovision, Terry has had a bit of a toddler tantrum because the UK's Singing Binman came joint last in the pan-European vote.

The winning entry was by Russia's Dima Bilan, backed by Daily Star astrologer Justin Toper doing some ice skating for no apparent reason.

As far as Terry was concerned, this was a new low for the Song Contest. 

In the Eurovision days of wine and roses, good, solid, stodgy, earnest ballads from the Free West were triumphant at Eurovision, and the Soviet-controlled satellite state hordes knew their place - working on their smallholdings from dusk until midnight, eating pickled cabbage, playing the accordion and drinking themselves into a stupor with vast quantities of paint stripper-like plum brandy.  

This year, the filthy Bolshevik peasant scum of the former Eastern Bloc countries conspired to make Eurovision a laughing stock and Terry wants to wash his hands of the event ...

... unless the BBC pays him about fifteen million quid to cover next year's contest and the licence fee subsequently goes up to £20,000 per household.

In the meantime, the Government has to do a damage limitation exercise and come up with ideas for new presenters for future Eurovision Song Contests.  

A few names are already in the hat.  They are:

Graham Norton
Kate Thornton
Katy Boyle
Natasha Kaplinsky
Simon Amstell
Bruce Forsyth
Vernon Kay & Tess Daly
Peter Kay
Myleeeeeneee Klaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Ant And Dec
Adrian "Voodoo" Chiles
That Drummer From The Kaiser Chiefs
Amanda Holden ("onto the headboard for dear life")
Jayne Macdonald

What do you think?  Keep the ideas coming.  As a nation, we need to pull together in this time of great crisis.

* * * * * * * 
(Oh yeah, and of course we voted for Sebastien Tellier in our house.  Wasn't he wonderful?)

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Eurovision is a travesty! We should boycott it like Italy has - Those Italians are far to cool to associate themselves with such naffness. I mean, I was so appalled by it that I nearly voted for France! The French entry was pretty good, though. Bit weird, but much better than Germany's horrendously-out-of-tune bimbos.

I'm not really bitter that we came last. Not at all...
Katy Boyle would be the best choice.

I remember reading a book of household tips and "etiquette" she wrote which included "If you are staying with guests and make a smell in the toilet, lighting a match will eradicate it". Honest.Boom Boom!
We were shocked - shocked! that Sebastien Teller didn't win. Even though we were quite jealous of the insouciant brilliance of the whole thing. Bloody French, with their bearded backing singers, their chic and their insouciance, showing the rest of us up.

I vote for Simon Amstell.
Christine Bleakly (her off the One Show) and John Prescott.

Morrissey indicated his interest but then chickened out.
IVD - all of the songs tend to melt into one another as if it's one long stodge fest, don't they? I know the French song was a bit leftfield, but it stood out like a sore thumb among the endless crap dance routines and tired songs. I know the naffness is part of the whole package, but it was all pretty underwhelming this year.

Murph - Katy Boyle would be a good choice, a way of stemming the tide of ladettes on television. Mind you, I wasn't aware that she sets light to her own farts, like an Iron Maiden roadie.

Annie - I suppose that it was unlikely that Sebastien would win. That's what happens when you give to vote to the public. Bah. Heathens, the lot of 'em. We both thought that Simon Amstell would be a good replacement, but somehow I reckon he would think the job was beneath him and wouldn't have the patience to sit through the three hours.

Garfer - unfortunately, Christine comes as part of a package with Adrian "Voodoo" Chiles, and he is the only man who makes Prezza look suave and sophisticated by comparison. Imagine the fuss made if Morrissey sang. That band Gemini were slagged off because of the singer's dodgy vocals. Morrissey's vocals are as flat as anything on record, so I dread to think what he'd sound like live at Eurovision!
Dr David Starkey should do it.

Or even better, the ghost of AJP Taylor, who could really put the voting into context. "Ah, Bosnia have given just four points to Finland, which is doubtless retribution for the Treaty of Gelsenkirchen in 1734, by which the Finns were given the profits from all of Bosnia's marmalade production, and the Grand Duke of Banja Luka had to walk through Helskini every Christmas Eve wearing nothing but carpet slippers."
Carol Vorderman could add up the scores as well and save even more of the licence payers' money.
That picture of Wogan, why oh why?
I do feel a bit cheated, but our song was so awfully bland, I wouldn't have voted for it either. At least Scooch seemed to be enjoying themselves.

I think there's only really one workable solution, and that's the reconstitution of the USSR. At least during the Cold War you knew where you were.

I vote for Jim Davidson. (I don't really)
Eurovision commentary should be done by Eamon Holmes or let's even resurect Eamon Andrews (we need it to be an Irishman called Eamon).

Marjorie Dawes to add up the scores.
Tim - I'm all for AJP Taylor commentating from the other side, but the voting would take even longer with all of that background info on each country's voting tactics. My dad always used to provide extensive, biased opinions on Eurovision , usually mentioning the Ottoman Empire, Catholicism and WW2. He strongly disapproved of the Yugoslav song one year ("those bastards are singing in that Croat dialect").

Kaz - Carol would probably ask for a huge payment. Five hundred years of being on afternoon TV on Channel Four have made her very bitter, you know.

Billy - it's part of my new, exciting series of Crotch Watch posts.

Del - yeah, I look back to the Cold War years with fondness as well, and I bet Terry does. Maybe he's planning his own Eurovision Cold War and will have a separate, Western Europe contest without all those pesky former USSR satellite states messing everything up. Only Terry's enormous ego can save us.

Istvanski - think I prefer Eamon Andrews but I'm not sure if his smooth patter would be in keeping with modern, cutting edge television, especially as he is dead. There should be more Eamons on TV though, I have to agree.
I also liked the French entry ( oooer) bearded ladies and a slightly perverted looking maths professor singing something Cinerama-y or Jarvis Cockeresque...what's not to like!
Oh no, not *that* Wogan pic! It annoys Billy no end!!!
Inwardly Confused - it was a class apart from everything else really, wasn't it? I don't know if it really "belonged" in Eurovision, but so what? Trust the French to go with something like that - Britain ends up contributing another dull but worth song.

Lllewtrah - sorry about that. I've been trying to find an excuse to publish that picture for ages. At least it's not as bad as seeing Terry with his wig off.
Dammit, I missed it AGAIN. second year in a row this has happened.

You have to admit those are some impressive Balkans, though. Lumpy, anyway.
Ok, ooky. still.
FN - I can confirm from experience that the Balkans are a bit lumpy. Rather rough terrain in places, and of course there's the problem with landmines these days. Err ...
How about Boris Bloody Johnson?

Did Dima sing "Ra-Ra-Rasputin
Russia's greatest love machine?"

Russia is filthy rich, they've pulled ahead of Saudi Arabia as the world's largest crude Oil producer!

One might think that your dream will come true and that another Cold War will ensue
...but now that they ARE capitalist swine they'll prolly be too busy getting themselves another Czar!
Sebastien Tellier is far too classy, talented and genuinely fun to win Eurovision. Ukraine woz robbed!

The only possible presenting solution can be the elevation of the most marvellous Paddy O'Connell to the main event.

Anyone who can get away, on prime time telly, with saying "we all love a semi" should be Knighted immediately.
I'm with Marsha! Paddy is brilliant.
I feel miffed that I missed the extravaganza now. I love that picture of Wogan - because he looks like he doesn't give a shit and he has obviously stuffed everything to the left instead of a much-needed hasty 'readjustment' prior to the photoshoot. Maybe it is actually Dustin the Turkey down there and that is why he didn't make the final?

I think Bez should present the next Eurovision.
Marsha - ah, but Terry likes a good semi, as the photo suggests ... and I would like to live in a semi rather than a terrace, because we've got the new green wheelie bin today and I wish we were able to stick the bloody thing round the back rather than in front of our very small front garden. Erm, anyway ...

Boz - once again, I'll have to take your word for it, as I've never studied his body of work. I'm getting really, really out of touch with the modern world. When's the next series of The Onedin Line going to be broadcast?

RoMo - if it was Dustin, then he would have been flirting with danger. Turkeys can be very aggressive in a confined environment. I don't know if I could cope with Bez's laugh for three hours, but he could probably do with the fee. Hasn't he just been declared bankrupt again?
D'you think Terry has a pair of socks stuffed down his y-fronts?
Ziggi - it could be one of his wigs.
really? Well it's always educational round here, I never knew there were such things as pubic wigs!
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