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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

THE OBLIGATORY SEX AND THE CITY POST 

Don't get it.  Don't care.  Won't be going to see it.

I mean ... four malnourished middle aged women who are continuously doing nothing but running around after men?  Wearing dresses with corsages so big that, if they stood too close to the Crystal Palace transmitter, they'd be able to pick up German porn channels ("Aaah!  Maria!  Du bist so schon!!!"), NASA, a martian phoning home ("I'm on the train") and a New Zealand league rugby match ... simultaneously?

Jeez ... look, I'm staring down the barrel of the menopause meself and am starting to worry about whether I talk to myself in the supermarket, AND I have inappropriate thoughts about the boy in David Guetta's Baby When The Light video ... but even I'm not quite that much of an embarrassment!

Anyone who is middle aged (i.e., over thirty) and is going to see this film with their *girly* mates should be banished to the Isle Of Man to live their life in penury.  Anyone who is going to do the same but is under the age of thirty ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  YOU SHOULD BE OUT CLUBBING INSTEAD!

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Comments:
Couldn't you go and see it in a sort of post-modernist ironic way?

That Sarah Jessica Parker is such a hotty, isn't she?

(A dog writes)
 
SJP reminds me of an anorexic horse.
 
Er … What's Sex and the City?
And who are those four ugly bints?

I really should listen to something other than Radio 3, shouldn't I?
But then, by the looks of this lot, no I shouldn't.
 
Speaking of aging bints, what are your feelings about anyone who goes to see Madonna on tour?
 
Hoooooo - "I'm on the train". That had me laughing so much I nearly spat out my sandwich. Out of my nose.

As a card-carrying homosexualist, I probably won't actually see it, I'll just acquire the experience of having seen it by osmosis.
 
That one in the black (sorry, they all look the same)... has she been caught short, and wiped her arse with the front of her frock?
 
No. Not a clue what she is writing about. Again.
Where does one acquire knowledge of these things?
 
And it gets worse - I saw the trailer last week.
It's got babies in it!!!!
 
*slinks back over the hill to the Isle of Man, shamed*
 
Murph - I don't think I could even stomach seeing it in a post-modernist ironic way, ironically enough. Sarah Jessica Parker - a good job there don't seem to be any blogging horses reading this. They might get a bit too excited.

Istvanski - she missed a trick by not advertising haute couture nosebags, didn't she?

Dive - Sex And The City was a *major* TV series that I managed to avoid ever watching. It finished a few years ago, but a film has been made and the premiere was held in London on Monday. There is a lot of fuss being made about it, which I haven't managed to avoid.

MJ - I suppose they must be people who have a lot of money. Aren't her ticket prices astronomical? I'd be too frightened of seeing her in a leotard, or of her flashing her Auntie Mary, so I'd avoid sitting near the front if I was them.

Boz - I was worried that the post may be deemed offensive to card carrying homosexualists, then I thought "well, it's a cliche that card-carrying homosexualists all love Sex & The City" and published anyway. Osmosis is definitely the way to watch films on release these days. Either that, or finding out the plots on the internet.

Tim - yeah, a pity the dress wasn't brown, then she could've just used the back and no one would have noticed. Ye gods, you would find it difficult to carry off that frock if you were over twenty, let alone in your forties. The phrase "spaniel ears" comes to mind.

Vicus - don't worry, the next couple of posts are about Gilbert Harding and Huw Weldon. I don't like people to feel left out.

Kaz - perhaps all the "feisty" single career women who liked the TV series are all smug, boring marrieds with five kids now, so they'll be able to relate to the changes in the lives of the characters more. Ugh.

Annie - too right. Mind you, you like Mad Men, so maybe the sentence could be reduced to six months, with good behaviour.
 
* gasps for breath *

Middle-aged is over thirty now?!?

Shit! I've wasted my life.
 
what's wrong with the Isle of Man?
It has lots of nice hairy bikers, a big water wheel, a mountain and 3 legs.

Surely the Isle of Wight would be better, not least because of the ridiculous spelling.

JSP was good as a witch in the film that I can't remember the name of with Bette Midler
 
Hocus Pocus!
 
Actually, I rather liked JSP in Flight of the Navigator, too.
 
JSP and Mister Speaker have a lot in common.

The eyes to the right, the nose to the left.

*gets coat*
 
'S'all right for you, Betty, you've *got* a husband.

*huffs*

I'd be going to see it except I don't have any 'girly' mates as they're all frigging married.

Will send postcards from the IOM.

xx
 
IDV - Jonathan Ross once said to a phone contestant on a quiz that they must be middle aged because they're over thirty, and I tend to agree. All of this business about middle youth is just an excuse for old people to pretend they still get on with young people, who are all laughing at them behind their backs. Embrace the grey hair and the BHS slacks!

Ziggi - I haven't visited the Isle Of Man, but I imagine it to be cold, rocky, windy and populated by cross eyed inbreeds. Something to do with those sketches on The Fast Show. The Isle Of Wight, on the other hand, looked really nice in the distance when we sat by the sea.

IDV 2 - she was good in Mr Edd, too.

Murph 2 - you've sunk to a new low there (hold on ... I'm referring to Cynthia Nixon's breasts in that frock again of course).

Spinsterella - never seen it. Mind you, programmes about happy family life would be even more sick making, and I hate smugly contented married couples who go on about how perfectly matched they are as much as anybody else ... er, will that do?
 
My housemates love it. It completely passed me by, however. I've always thought Sarah Jessica Parker looks like Lady from Lady and the Tramp, only confused and a nob.
 
Shrieks: Oh my god! I didn't realise it was THEIR film premier that they were turning up to. I thought they were jsut being wheeled out for a random airing like most old bags need to now and again! And what was Sarah Sickbag Parker doing with a Taste The Difference Pointed Cabbage on her head? I have never seen a smidge of an episode of Sex In the City and don't think I ever will. What hideous munterness.
 
I expect it was televised out here, but I knew nothing about it/them until I read this post. I now have information overload.
"spaniel ears" indeed.
 
Pfft! WhatEVER!
I get all of my 'girl porn' from reading Girl With A One Track Mind!

*runs away
 
Sarah Jessica Horseface should be at Aintree, not flouncing about the West End in a stupid hat.

I'd definitely have a punt on her. The other horses would be so put off they'd fall at the first hurdle.
 
I'm sure I read somewhere that Sex and the City (there was me thinking it was Sex IN the City -doh!) is really right-on and feminist. I've seen it a couple of times (teenage daughter/stepdaughters) and all they talk and think about is men. Bless This House was more cutting edge. Those four are just dull.

And is she wearing the cabbage or is there a greengrocer behind her - I can't tell.
 
Fathorse - if everybody else is raving about a show and you can't understand the fuss it's a bind. Then again, it's nice to stand back from the crowd, hem hem. Bit harsh on Lady from Lady & The Tramp though.

RoMo - well, I'm an old bag and nobody bothers to wheel me out for an airing. SOB. The last time I went to the bingo, with a cabbage on me head, a year ago, I swear I saw that Sarah Jessica Parker there, and I bet she was taking notes, the cow. She won £500 as well. Money goes to money, as my nan used to say.

Dinahmow - hullo and welcome. Sorry for the bad news. That's how I am though - I like to make people feel as miserable as I am.

Donn - if you mean what I think you mean then shame on you (sniggers). Doesn't she write about signing copies of her book or appearing on radio shows these days though?

Garfer - I dunno how she'd cope with jumping over Beecher's Brook or crossing the Melling Road for the second time. Might be a bit of a cultural shock after spending all your time shopping for clothes or, er, vibrators.

Malc - that's the whole thing about *modern* feminism. It all seems to be about (ho ho) 'empowering" yourself by spending all your money on bloody handbags and sexy undies and not offending men. Seems to advance the cause of women/girls about as much as Jackie magazine for my generation in the 1970's. Mind you, I should stress that I haven't seen it, so I can only go on what I've read or heard about it.

That cabbage is the sum total of her diet and will last for a week.
 
Flight of the Navigator is *amazing*.

I wanted one of the snot alien things. Yes.

But is it me or did the kid in it look like Audrey Tatou?
 
I always thought that Sex and the City would reveal to me deep fundamental truths about womanhood that I always think I've somehow missed out on, but its essential message appeared to be 'women like drinking cockails and talking about shoes'. If those are fundamental truths I'm happier in the dark.
 
I meant a handbag you silly bag! Don't you think Cynthia's girlfriend looks like Jon Ronson? Ha ha - I have laughed about that a lot today. In fact - I am going to blog it shortly I think.
 
I thought it was the premier of the Golden Girls movie. Now that I would see.

Let's face it, Kim Cattrell is never going to top her performance in Mannequin, so I don't know why she even bothers.

I do quite fancy Cynthia Nixon though. The bum fronted lesbian ging. Sue me.
 
Boz - I'll take your word for it! Audrey Tatou with that eye rolling overbite cutesiness in Amelie - yeugh.

Patroclus - I'm sure that a series about four farmer's wives from Oxfordshire, or four factory workers from Dundee, would be far more likely to reveal fundamental truths about womanhood. However, the fact that SATC is set in New York means that we're supposed to take it much more seriously. Bah.

RoMo - I wouldn't give any of my old handbags an airing. Probably a bit fungal, and full of bits of tissue and maybe a rogue lipstick that's gone all gungey and rancid. The Jon Ronson comment had me laughing my socks off as well, particularly when I looked up this picture on Google - http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/52178591.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF1939847EC77F5F8D1CE01A74253BCFE8447A40A659CEC4C8CB6

Del - the Golden Girls were fucking excellent. I wish there was a movie, but I dunno if they're still all alive. I think I base my *persona* on the tall, masculine looking one with the deep voice. If you look like Jon Ronson, you could be well in with Cynthia, y'know.
 
Golden Girls - yes.
Sex/City - no.

I have seen the former, but never the latter. It sounded tedious and grim. Is it one of those programmes where it's too difficult to decide which one you want to slap most?
 
Beth - sounds about right. I've never watched it, but assume the characters are all "sassy" and supposedly "in control" of their lives, but underneath it all you know that their real aim in life is to get married and have babies. Yawn. Plus, they're all so thin and obviously spend about three hours a day exercising and another three hours in make up before appearing on set. How are they supposed to be typical of *real* modern women in that way?
 
Makes me think of that joke,

"Which one of the women on Sex and the city is your favourite?"

"The first one that dies."
 
Herge - too true. None of them has kicked the bucket yet though, even though it's obvious that they don't actually eat solid food. Saw some TV presenter in her thirties on a programme the other day wearing a pink "gurlly" T-shirt with the words "I'm A Samantha" on the front. Grow up, for fuck's sake!
 
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