Saturday, April 26, 2008


Horrible *real* *life* incident the other day, in old school, realtime blogging terms.

Went outside to mow the lawn on one of the few recent rain-free days this far into spring.

Anyway, there was an enormous fish in the garden. A dead, huge, ugly, enormous, smelly fish with missing eyes and flies crawling over it.

Great. I had got to dispose of the m*therf*cker (apologies for colourful language. There are middle aged mothers who'll read this, y'know).

Geoff is beyond useless at this sort of thing and normally uses an excuse related to one of his numerous illnesses, phobias or allergies. Well, this time he was genuinely ill, so I couldn't even get into an argument with him about it ...

Anyway, it took about four attempts for me to cover it with carrier bags and put it into another carrier bag, then another carrier bag, then put it in the bin. It still smelt awful.

I'm normally reasonably fearless in dealing with unpleasant stuff. This was obviously a corpse. However, there was something primordial and savage about it ... I was convinced that it would start flipping about and bite me, despite evidence to the contrary.


Er, anyway, I was shaking for an hour afterwards. Then came the post match analysis: HOW DID IT GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Here are a few suggestions we pooled between us:

1. A fox dragged it into the garden.

2. It swam upstream from the River Cray in an attempt to speed up evolution (see also: that Fatboy Slim video with the apes and the fat bloke in it). Then it realised that it couldn't cope out of water and made a half hearted attempt to get into our birdbath before expiring, next to the birdbath.

3. God threw it from down from Heaven. No kidding: what's that Christian group where people put fish signs in the back of their cars? God knows I am an atheist, so THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A WARNING SIGN. I may have to go to church tomorrow morning, much as it pains me, and the service starts at some (ho ho) "ungodly" hour.

4. It was some sort of warning from, er, bloody hell, The Mafia. *shudder*.

5. It was some sort of warning from, er, bloody hell, The Freemasons, after Geoff's recent post about a Masons evening do. *shudder*. Note: not the DJs The Freemasons who are always getting their tracks played on Gaydar radio ...

6. It was a koi carp that had been taken from a pond by a heron which had flown overhead and dropped it in our garden. All I can say is - that heron must have had jaws of steel. Besides, koi carp tend to be orange or gold and quite attractive. This thing was sort of mushroom coloured with fawn and brown splodgey marks, and was as ugly as Van Morrison.

7. It was left there by a grizzly bear (only a slight possibility of this one I would think. Bexleyheath is not an outpost of Canuckistan).

If any readers have other theories I'd love to hear them.

This is us with a previous catch from the garden which we returned to its "natural" environment in the aforementioned River Cray. Oh, and I'm not The Hooker, so no cheap comments, okay?

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was there any writing on the fish? did you think to look? if it was a message there would have been writing. unless it was a talking fish, in which case you waited too long before discovering it and the poor thing expired.
Now you're really in trouble, you know.
Phone up Charlies Fort in the Afterlife. I've got his number if you want it.

Or: "Give praise! God is Great!"
There have been instances of waterborne creatures being sucked up by minitornadoes. Then, as it rains, the clouds deposit the fish (or frogs if you're into your Egyptian plagues) or whatever else it has picked up on the ground below.

Your titties are sunburned.
I'm with the Fortean tornado idea. Read Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

I once had to remove a dead stray cat from the garden. Unfortunately, it had swelled up and got wedged under some concrete steps, so I had to lever it out with a broom handle. Fortunately, it didn't fall to pieces.
I always like to think badly of the Freemasons.
So - bearing in mind that fish eyes are a delicacy in parts of South Asia - you are looking for an Asian Freemason with a full wheelie bin.
Bravo, Betty. It sounds hideous. I would have been a total girl and hidden inside the house til Geoff was better and threatened divorce unless he removed it.

... it just occurs, it was definitely a fish and not, say, some freakish monster mushroom that popped up overnight on the lawn and just looked like a fish?

*gets coat*
Back in the day, there was a comedy episode of Grange Hill where they smuggled a donkey into school. I have a very clear memory of my sister snorting with laughter as two teachers and Mrs McClusky encounter a pile of donkey crap outside the school gates and all silently look up into the sky.

Anyway, so my point is maybe you've had some kind of Fortean rain of fish. Fish singular.
The Piece of Cod be with you Betty.
FN - perhaps it was trying to say something to me "in the last, dying seconds" to give to a clue to whodunnit, like in those old Ellery Queen mysteries. I'll never know now and, yeah, I really am in trouble :(

Kek - there's no way I can become a believer, even if it means I'm going to Hell. The sort of people you'd have to hang around with - bollocks to that.

Del - sounds like a curse really - "a shoal of fish shall rain down upon you and you will be stung by clouds of wasps and a plague of boils will smite you". Looks as if the fun has only just begun ...

MJ - no they're not, I was wearing a sunblock under my bikini. Crayford has searing desert heat at this time of year y'know.

Tim - I'll probably have to face something like that soon as our neighbours have just acquired two cats which keep getting stuck in the shrubs between our houses and refuse to come down. I fucking hate cats too.

Kaz - fish eyes? Probably no worse than the favoured traditional local delicacies - jellied eels or pie and mash with liqour. Bleurgh! Freemasons, of course, prefer eating human eyes to fish eyes.

Annie - strangely enough, from a distance, and with my John Lennon levels of myopia, I thought it was some sort of freakish, huge mushroom, until the awful truth dawned on me. Geoff isn't very good at corpse removal: he's the brains in the relationship though.

Boz - I think I remember that episode, just about, although my favourite was the one in which Mr Bronson's toupe ended up in the swimming pool. Er, anyway ... what happened to the rest of the fish? Did they end up in the Gobi Desert, or somewhere in Finland?
Murph - well, I hope it's not going to be around for long. The smell would be awful.
well if you're out when ocado are due to make their delivery, i suppose they use their initiative
Has anyone done the Crayfish joke yet?

Anyway it's not unususl, look.
Rivergirlie - I'm flattered to think that you'd believe we were posh enough to use Ocado! If Aldi or Iceland had an online delivery service we'd get our economy packs of burgers and fishfingers that way.

Murph - everyone seems to have overlooked the Crayfish joke. I dunno about a tornado lifting the fish up and it ending up being dumped in our garden. It looked a bit prehsitoric, so perhaps it was a tornado from millions of years ago ... gulp.
I'm sold on the hole in the space time/continuum thingamabob and you should ring up an Ichtyologist from the Museum who specialises in archeo fish. You just might get yourself on the cover of the National Geographic...
but keep your shirt on, those Nat Geo photographers are always talking women into taking their tops off for their articles..
smooth operators, the lot of 'em.
Donn - I think they would need evidence of the actual fish so that they could do a lab report on it, otherwise it would seem that I'm telling lies just to get attention. NO WAY would anyone want to see my middle aged charlies on the front of the National Geographic. I can't even face looking at them myself any more.
Maybe it fell out of the stinky cloud made famous by your last post, after it died of stink. When fish die of stink they lose their ability to swim in clouds, possibly.
Miss S - I would've thought that swimming in a stinky cloud wouldn't be much different from swimming in the filthy polluted rivers or seas around Britain. Never swum in a cloud myself (I don't do drugs) and I've certainly never swum in a British river or at the seaside. Value my health/life too much!
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