Saturday, April 26, 2008
COD REGGAE
Horrible *real* *life* incident the other day, in old school, realtime blogging terms.
Went outside to mow the lawn on one of the few recent rain-free days this far into spring.
Anyway, there was an enormous fish in the garden. A dead, huge, ugly, enormous, smelly fish with missing eyes and flies crawling over it.
Great. I had got to dispose of the m*therf*cker (apologies for colourful language. There are middle aged mothers who'll read this, y'know).
Geoff is beyond useless at this sort of thing and normally uses an excuse related to one of his numerous illnesses, phobias or allergies. Well, this time he was genuinely ill, so I couldn't even get into an argument with him about it ...
Anyway, it took about four attempts for me to cover it with carrier bags and put it into another carrier bag, then another carrier bag, then put it in the bin. It still smelt awful.
I'm normally reasonably fearless in dealing with unpleasant stuff. This was obviously a corpse. However, there was something primordial and savage about it ... I was convinced that it would start flipping about and bite me, despite evidence to the contrary.
I should say that I MOVED THE F*CKING THING EVENTUALLY AND I AM A F*CKING HERO. ANYONE WHO DISPUTES THIS FACT IS GOING TO RECEIVE A REAL TONGUE LASHING FROM ME. RIGHT?
Er, anyway, I was shaking for an hour afterwards. Then came the post match analysis: HOW DID IT GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Here are a few suggestions we pooled between us:
1. A fox dragged it into the garden.
2. It swam upstream from the River Cray in an attempt to speed up evolution (see also: that Fatboy Slim video with the apes and the fat bloke in it). Then it realised that it couldn't cope out of water and made a half hearted attempt to get into our birdbath before expiring, next to the birdbath.
3. God threw it from down from Heaven. No kidding: what's that Christian group where people put fish signs in the back of their cars? God knows I am an atheist, so THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A WARNING SIGN. I may have to go to church tomorrow morning, much as it pains me, and the service starts at some (ho ho) "ungodly" hour.
4. It was some sort of warning from, er, bloody hell, The Mafia. *shudder*.
5. It was some sort of warning from, er, bloody hell, The Freemasons, after Geoff's recent post about a Masons evening do. *shudder*. Note: not the DJs The Freemasons who are always getting their tracks played on Gaydar radio ...
6. It was a koi carp that had been taken from a pond by a heron which had flown overhead and dropped it in our garden. All I can say is - that heron must have had jaws of steel. Besides, koi carp tend to be orange or gold and quite attractive. This thing was sort of mushroom coloured with fawn and brown splodgey marks, and was as ugly as Van Morrison.
7. It was left there by a grizzly bear (only a slight possibility of this one I would think. Bexleyheath is not an outpost of Canuckistan).
If any readers have other theories I'd love to hear them.
This is us with a previous catch from the garden which we returned to its "natural" environment in the aforementioned River Cray. Oh, and I'm not The Hooker, so no cheap comments, okay?
Went outside to mow the lawn on one of the few recent rain-free days this far into spring.
Anyway, there was an enormous fish in the garden. A dead, huge, ugly, enormous, smelly fish with missing eyes and flies crawling over it.
Great. I had got to dispose of the m*therf*cker (apologies for colourful language. There are middle aged mothers who'll read this, y'know).
Geoff is beyond useless at this sort of thing and normally uses an excuse related to one of his numerous illnesses, phobias or allergies. Well, this time he was genuinely ill, so I couldn't even get into an argument with him about it ...
Anyway, it took about four attempts for me to cover it with carrier bags and put it into another carrier bag, then another carrier bag, then put it in the bin. It still smelt awful.
I'm normally reasonably fearless in dealing with unpleasant stuff. This was obviously a corpse. However, there was something primordial and savage about it ... I was convinced that it would start flipping about and bite me, despite evidence to the contrary.
I should say that I MOVED THE F*CKING THING EVENTUALLY AND I AM A F*CKING HERO. ANYONE WHO DISPUTES THIS FACT IS GOING TO RECEIVE A REAL TONGUE LASHING FROM ME. RIGHT?
Er, anyway, I was shaking for an hour afterwards. Then came the post match analysis: HOW DID IT GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Here are a few suggestions we pooled between us:
1. A fox dragged it into the garden.
2. It swam upstream from the River Cray in an attempt to speed up evolution (see also: that Fatboy Slim video with the apes and the fat bloke in it). Then it realised that it couldn't cope out of water and made a half hearted attempt to get into our birdbath before expiring, next to the birdbath.
3. God threw it from down from Heaven. No kidding: what's that Christian group where people put fish signs in the back of their cars? God knows I am an atheist, so THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A WARNING SIGN. I may have to go to church tomorrow morning, much as it pains me, and the service starts at some (ho ho) "ungodly" hour.
4. It was some sort of warning from, er, bloody hell, The Mafia. *shudder*.
5. It was some sort of warning from, er, bloody hell, The Freemasons, after Geoff's recent post about a Masons evening do. *shudder*. Note: not the DJs The Freemasons who are always getting their tracks played on Gaydar radio ...
6. It was a koi carp that had been taken from a pond by a heron which had flown overhead and dropped it in our garden. All I can say is - that heron must have had jaws of steel. Besides, koi carp tend to be orange or gold and quite attractive. This thing was sort of mushroom coloured with fawn and brown splodgey marks, and was as ugly as Van Morrison.
7. It was left there by a grizzly bear (only a slight possibility of this one I would think. Bexleyheath is not an outpost of Canuckistan).
If any readers have other theories I'd love to hear them.
This is us with a previous catch from the garden which we returned to its "natural" environment in the aforementioned River Cray. Oh, and I'm not The Hooker, so no cheap comments, okay?
Labels: being on a hitlist, being terrified, God, koi carp, leaving the country
