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Friday, May 02, 2008

THIS IS ANFIELD 

In the wake of Liverpool FC's defeat by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final, news emerges today of a soon to be released charity single.

Still reeling from the tragedy of the defeat, stars from Liverpool have pulled together in typical heroic Scouse fashion to provide vocals for the single. It promises to be a completely ghastly, acoustic version of Ferry 'Cross The Mersey. All proceeds for the single will go to the Emergency Liverpool As Victim Relief Fund.

Appearing on the single will be a host of local heroes and heroines. Already confirmed are Atomic Kitten, Gerry "'Cross The Mersey" Marsden, that bloke with the terrible mullet from China Crisis, Margi Clarke, Roger McGough, Barry Grant (formerly of Brookside), Sinbad (one time Sinbad Off Brookside, now Sinbad Off Coronation Street With That Kebab Shop), Peter Hooton from The Farm, Carla Fucking Fucking Lane, Phil Redmond, and possibly some other professional Scousers.

The biggest coup is the appearance of The Three Crying, Sensitive, Beardy, Liverpool Dramatists - Willie Russell, Alan Bleasdale and Jimmy McGovern.


Willy Russell: boo hoo hoo


Alan Bleasdale: boo hoo hoo


Jimmy McGovern: boo hoo hoo

Speaking today, in between bouts of tearfulness, Alan Bleasdale said the following:

"This is the thing about the great people of Liverpool. During times of crisis, we always pull together. Even Evertonians I've spoken to have told me how much they're behind this project ..."

(breaks off for several minutes of crying)

"... the courage of these people. Despite the atrocious bias of the referee in this game, and the stupid penalty decision, and the evil blight of the Mafiosi stooge Lampard, and the complete tragedy of the result, the population of Liverpool has been resilient. We've had to be, over the thirty thousand years of our proud history. Liverpool has always been a victim of the cruel, southern biased British empire, but we've always held our own, between the tears and the suffering"

(starts sobbing again).

Anyway, the single will be made available online at the start of next week and will cost £5.00 to download. All proceeds from the sale will go towards starting up a Beardy Liverpool Playwrights Workshop, so that the ordinary people of Liverpool will be able to get into theatre as a way of expressing their pain. Oh, and a free box of tissues will be donated to every household in Liverpool so that the entire city's population can sit down and have a good cry.

They don't care what your name is boy - they'll never turn you away.

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Comments:
I had to read this twice to decide whether you'd made this up or not Betty.

You haven't have you?
 
"Even Evertonians I've spoken to have told me how much they're behind this project ..."

No Alan - Evertonians are the ones with the genuine scouse sense of irony - didn't you get it?
Anyway,after all that shouting for Chelsea we've all lost our voices
 
I think Jimmy McGovern has the best beard of the three.
 
As the coach of a 'soccer' team made up of 7 year olds it is my duty to tell you that;
A it's just a game and
B the main thing is to have fun.

Oh and "Score Goals Not Drugs!"
 
Oh, this has brought back a long-buried traumatic memory that proves that Scousers have it worse than everywhere else.

The tragic-est thing I've ever seen on the telly was when "Damon" off of Brookside (Simon someone?) appeared on Through The Keyhole and even with massive hints the panel couldn't name him.

buy the single - we need to do it for failed ex-brookie-actors everywhere. Rally people!
 
Murph - it's all perfectly true. You should always trust Gerry Marsden and Alan Bleasdale. How long is a piece of string?

Kaz - same here, and I'm an Aston Villa fan (well, lapsed fan really ...) We're too stupid to have developed a sense of irony but I still hate Liverpool. It must take a lot of hatred to support Chelsea in a game!

Billy - exactly. It's more of a retired geography teacher's beard really, isn't it. The other two beards scream "I'm working in the arts, and look a bit bohemian".

Donn - try to convince Liverpool supporters of that. This is a club whose most idolised manager once said "football isn't a matter of life and death - it's more important than that" (or words to that effect).

Spinsterella - I can remember when Damon and his girlfriend ran away to London and met Morrissey, who only uttered a couple of lines. A week later, Moz did an interview where he was mulling over how dismal his performance was for about two pages or something! Anyway, I digress. I think there should be a fundraising campaign to Bring Back Spinsterella's Blog.
 
God! I'm so bored with bloody Liverpool. The stupid bastards have even turned on Ringo.

And NO, they're no funnier than anyone anywhere else in the country.
 
If Jason Ottey from 'The Stairs' performs on the harmonica then I'll buy it. I can't stand crying.
 
You forgot The Christians.

And Edwina Currie.
 
Malc - I saw some obscure Liverpool actress on daytime TV badmouthing Ringo and saying that The People Of Liverpool Don't Want His Sort Living There Anyway. I mean, it must be awful to have to choose between living in a high rise flat in Bootle or a mansion in Hollywood, eh? If Scousers have such a great sense of humour, why do so many of them get annoyed whenever the humour is directed at them? I mean, if you're from The Midlands (hem hem) you have to take on the chin the fact that you're supposed to be a thick, clodhopping stereotype who's still living in the 1970's!

Arabella - you've managed to out-obscure me with regard to little known bands. I had to look them up! If Lori And The Chameleons or Those Naughty Lumps were on board, then maybe I'd buy it too. Meanwhile, I'm now instigating the Bring Back Arabella's Blog campaign to go alongside the Spinsterellla one. Busy life I lead.

Tim - oh no, The Christians. Evertything that was drab, smug and virtuous about the '80's. The musical equivalent of one of those black polo neck jumpers with a zip down the front. What happened to Edwina Currie's "rebellious" daughter who looks spookily like her but in a slightly, "rebelliously" new wave sort of way?
 
I was going to post about Scousers one day and get them Granthamed - I can't now. Yours is the definitive version. God, I wish I had written that! I told you - you are a bloke with tits!
When Geoff's finished using you and you're a shrivelled-up husk of a woman who's given, and given, and given, and given and can give no more.....will you marry me?
P.S. Q. What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy?
A. Scousers don't know how to milk a cow.
 
Reg - I'm surprised I haven't had any abusive comments from Scousers yet. Most disappointing. As for all the other stuff - blimey Reginald, have you just stumbled in from the pub? These bank holidays, eh?
 
btw, speaking of abusive comments, I know you are not supposed to respond to trolls because it makes them feel "wanted" and then they plague you with even more nasty comments, but this one was just too good to resist ...

http://bettysutility.blogspot.com/2007/10/frankie-says-arm-unemployed.html

"fat virgin rat"! Ha ha!
 
I was quite delighted to see Livepool lose. I'm certainly no fan of Man Utd or Chelski, but the fact that the Scousers seem to think they *deserve* to win everything makes it all the more satisfying when they fail fail fail fail fail hahaha losers.

A bitter Gooner? Moi? Noooo...
 
Del - it's always been the case with Liverpool FC fans. I remember that during their never ending run of championship wins in the '80's, one year they weren't top, but Liverpool fans were keen to stress that, even though they hadn't won the league that year, they still were *obviously* still the *real* champions. Insufferable!
 
Liverpool? Are they still going then?
 
Beth - hopefully not. They're probably just a bad dream.
 
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