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Sunday, December 31, 2006

THE FINAL CUNTDOWN 

Literally thousands of excited bloggers and plus ones amassed in the pub next to Barnehurst Station in Barnehurst's glittering "West End" during the week to witness my first blogging awards ceremony. They all managed to avoid eye contact with that psychotic looking bonehead sat at the back with the thousand yard stare who was crunching his knuckles too.

Here is a summary of some of the gongs that were dished out:


Dishiest blogger: Lucien De La Peste
With the dashing looks of a Spanish count (only about a foot taller) and that rapier wit, who could resist? Those cheekbones! The dark, piercing eyes! The thin, sensual lower lip! The arrogance! Phwoar! Give us a fiddle with yer pointy beard, Lucien!

Most used blogging catchphrase: "... yummers" as used by Psychobilly !Oyez! Billy! (pictured below)


... yes, they're saying it in all the playgrounds of Britain now that "I'm the only gay in the village" and "bovvered?" have gone out of fashion.

Runner up: " ... yummers, as Billy would say" as used by Molly Bloom (pictured, left, below).


The Andy Fairweather Low "Wide Eyed And Legless" award: Robert Swipe
Hic.

The Wayne/Jayne County "Something's Missing? Can you tell what it is yet?" award: Robert/Roberta Swipe
The deep voice! The bushy eyebrows! *something isn't quite right* ...

The Mr Loverman award (sponsored by Edam Cheese): Tom 909
Sweet baby cheeses!

Renaissance Woman Of The Year award: First Nations
A profound knowledge of art through the ages. An ability to grow tomato plants of every variety. Seems to have read millions of books. Knows tons of stuff about motorbikes, embroidery, cookery. The definitive study of lesbian cunnilingus etiquette. Is there anything this woman can't turn her hand to (as it were)?

Best blogging repartee in the comments box award: MJ (pictured below) and Tazzy & Piggy


Usually revolved around saying "Yay! First. Fuck off" and derivatives thereof.

Sexiest Voice On The Internet award: Realdoc
So I've been told.

Services To Podcasting Involving Spontaneous Mass Belching (Sponsored by Milk Of Magnesia): Istvanski and Jif Dump Alliance
Owing to the consumption of *soft* drinks while on air, allegedly. Don't do it, kids.


Right. That's more than enough.

All I have left to tell you is that Rockmother wore a Nicole Farhi gown, and Vicus Scurra wore a bespoke tuxedo.

Comments:
Yay! First. Fuck off.

(and derivatives thereof)
 
Bleeeeuuuurrrrrrppppaaaggghhh!!!
I'll dedicate this award to my psycho analyst and good personal friend Dr Pepper.
 
Murph - and a happy noo year to yoo too my canine friend.

Istvanski - he's so misunderstood.
 
Yay! Fourth! Fuck off!

And Happy New Year!
 
Huh.... Billy-No-Prize....


(and I was NOT crunching my knuckles ok?)
 
I cleared up afterwards. I've got a shed load of black bags I'll be flytipping over Thamesmead tomorrow morning. If anyone's lost a pair of rubber pants with a picture of Alan Pardew on, please get in touch.

And I'm still waiting for my cheque
 
MJ - *lights Cuban cigar by way of new year celebration*

Doppelganger - there was going to be a special West Country Bloggers award for trying to kickstart a Belgian New Beat revival, honestly, but, erm, I forgot about it. Sorry.

Richard - I'd hate to think there were any Charlton fans in the audience. At least no one will notice the difference if there's any flytipping in Thamesmead, arf arf.
 
Where do I send the dry cleaning bill for my very expensive 'gown'? I think someone was sick down the back of it while I was in the queue for the toilets. I'm closing down a Little Chef on the A316 next month and I wear it to all my functions. Yours in anticipation, Romo xx
 
I guess if I'm gonna win an award then winning one for making lurve to a beautiful woman has got to be one of the best. Sweet baby cheeses to you too Betty - looking forward to enjoying the 2007 offerings to your adoring public.
 
Rockmother - er, sorry, you'll have to foot the bill yourself. This wasn't the Oscars, y'know. God, I've read about all those Little Chefs being closed, bringing back some unpleasant memories of childhood days out at Stoke Trentham Gardens and the unpleasant, rubbery tasting ham salad I got as a "treat" on the way back. Yech.

Tom - I'm starting to think I should've given you a prize of a golg medallion, chest hair wig and a pile of Barry White albums. Still, happy new year to you, and may it be free of stuff that you don't want to do.
 
Do have a happy one.
 
Sweet Baby Bels, Betty
 
Thank you very much, even though I sound more like Albert Steptoe today. You should get an award yourself for continued blogging in the face of Christmas/New Year festivities, there's been bugger all else going on around here.
 
Richard - cheers.

Cherrypie - verily, ring out the New Year Baby Bels, or summat.

Realdoc - well, as you can imagine, things weren't particularly festive around here. We were too busy being complete Scrooges (setting fire to children's presents, throwing rotten fruit at carol singers and the like).
 
Not another award....

Yawn.
 
Hurrah, an award. Or should that be "yummers"?

*dodges rotten tomatoes*
 
Lucien - you can feign indifference all you want ... anyway, go on, give us a feel of yer pointy beard. Cor.

Billy - yummers. What else could it be?
 
Realdoc will have some *serious* competition once I get my Ukelecast up on air.

I can't tell you *precisely* what I do with the uke, but if you're expecting "When I'm cleaning Windows", you might be in for a bit of a surprise...

Did Bob disgrace himself again then? Honestly, you can't take him anywhere - the dipsomanic old cunt!

xxxx


'Berta
 
Roberta ...

(oh heck, it's that bint with the suspiciously masculine voice and the country rock songs off of MySpace ...)

I certainly hope you make sure that your little ukelele stays in your hands during that podcast. You could do yourself an injury dear.

Yeah, what exactly did happen to Bob? Still lying in the gutter?
 
Oh Blogger, stop playing the cunt again ...

(sorry for the swears. That's one of my resolutions fucked up for a start, then)
 
Oh bollocks - I wanted to say 'cunt'.

Anyway (fave word)... At least we got a mention somewhere.

That fucking MJ is everywhere too, it seems.

Yay! Last! (at the time of commenting).
 
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