Tuesday, December 05, 2006


I was tagged by the lovely Arabella, and I agreed to participate.

God knows why. Well, actually, it's because I don't want to feel "left out" innit? I hate doing memes and don't particularly like reading them but at least it gives me the deluded belief that I'm still "in" with the right bloggers, even though I've had my moment in the sun. As I said previously, we all lose our charms in the end, and I've been blogging for a few years now, so I've got to resign myself towards getting the usual Ole' Faithful three bedridden, drooling and confused readers from Ilfracombe. There are newer, more interesting kidz on tha block with amusing things to say about bath mats and stuff, or so I've heard. I'll just keep treading the boards though, and wait until *they* all come back to me on some sort of nostalgia trip, as if I am Gerry And The Bloody Bastard Pacemakers.

So, anyway, I am supposed to tell you five *things* about me. As this blog tends towards negativity, I've decided to tell you five negative *things*.

1. I've never had a full driving licence and have therefore kept a bit of death off the roads, so you should be grateful.

2. I've never owned a credit card. A fool and his money ...

3. I've never owned a mobile phone. You're talking a lot but you're not saying anything. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.

4. Apart from being told that I had a "special talent" by an art teacher at school, and being told that I was good looking when I was younger by a few people, I never knowingly received any praise from anyone before I began blogging. Still, the reason bloggers tend to get gushy and overpraise each other is because of the evil microwaves emitted from the computer screens making them lightheaded.

5. I've never had a job that I even remotely enjoy. It's a good thing that I've never been ambitious then, isn't it, heh.


Oh, and I'm supposed to bung this load of cognitive therapy bollockspeak at the end ...

"Remember that it isn't always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for; it can just as easily be something that you take for granted, like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it."

(Well, if someone is unfortunate enough to get knocked up with twins, or is so boring that all they can do with their spare time is grow fucking beetroot, then good luck to 'em, I say. I'm glad I'm not in their shoes.)

I can't think of three people to tag, because I'm not sure if three people still regularly read this blog anymore. If three people want to do the meme, then mention it in the comments box.

A tour-de-me-me-force Betty!!
It's good to be positive about your negativity. I'm sure both your other readers will agree with that.
Mr Tidybeard knows how to fly a helicopter when he's not shagging unwary contestants on his crap show. (I'm not even mentioning miniature choppers here).
And as we dogs always say, you can't lick cognitive bollocks!
I still read your blog Betty (but I don't want to do the meme). x
I don't drive either. And I now have Psycho Killer stuck in my head.
I'd just like to ask how you knew that me, lost boy and bill all live in Ilfracombe?
I don't come from Ilfracombe!

I have a mobile phone but it doesn't actually work. They're awful things, you're better off, yeah yeah.
Praise - what’s that?
I was once told I had a nice brooch.
In ‘cognitive therapy bollockspeak’ it would be Kaz you are so wonderfully caring, creative, munificent, charismatic and enchanting.
Just like you Betty - oops those microwaves again.
I've let my driving licence expire so now I have to take the road test over again. And I don't have a mobile. And I'm not ambitious. I'm hoping all this info means I won't be tagged.

Brought to you by WV mrpshtiq.
Murphmeister - is Noel really shagging his Deal Or No Deal contestants? Is this an open secret? I'm always the last to know about these things.

Ah, one of my favourite jokes, and so full of straightforward wisdom: "why does a dog lick his own balls? Because he can".

Lost Boy - thank you. I can fully understand why you wouldn't want to do a meme. I had problems with this one.

Billy - better to have Psychokiller stuck in your head than the bloody Gwen Stefani goatherd thing, like me. WIND IT UUP!

Murphmeister - it's becorzz of the way ooo orll torrk moy dorllinz.

Spinsterella - people always get one "just to tell people where I am if I'm going to be late from work" and then become reliant on them. It's a dangerous, slippery slope.

Kaz - gee, thanx dear! It's so heartwarming, all the mutual backslapping that goes on here on the internet. I'm going off to have a cry now.
MJ - there's no danger of anyone being tagged by me. I'm not that sadistic. Then again, if I'm not tagged then I feel left out of things ... what to do for the best?
Boy, do I feel bad, making you do that. It's quite possible that Arabella will never feel "lovely" again.
Anyroad - nice bit of comedy, thank you Betty.
Betty, as always a great antedote to the 'Christmas spirit' - loving it, loving the blog, loving you (ok that last one might have gone a tad too far, but you get the gist, just trying to give you the preverbial English pat on the back cause we don't do hugs - actually is there a version of a virtual hug without hugging? If so have one of them!:)). X
Excellent as always betty.
Also I have a joke I think you'd like
How do you make nuns pregnant?
Fuck 'em.
Arabella - I'm sure you will always be lovely :D

(see what I mean about the evil microwaves emitted by computers?).

Anyway, the meme was a challenge. It's good to be put through the mill once in a while.

Jools - thanks, although I think it's still a bit too early to be an antidote to the Christmas spirit. I can't tolerate any more than a fortnight of the Christmas spirit.

Realdoc - the only nun joke I can find on Google which is short enough is this one:

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street.
The first one says "I've never come this way before."
The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
I salute you for not driving. I don't either. I think we should get special tax allowances for not driving. ie non-drivers pay no tax whatsoever.

And you know, I still think you are brilliant. And I think you are very, very funny. I just burst out laughing and it interrupted the sad, dull Tuesday evening viewing. I wonder if you heard it where you are. I think I sound like Sid James when I laugh. How embarrassing is that? Still, breaks the ice at parties. *

* Places that I avoid at all costs, especially if there are more than two people.
Golden oldie.

Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other "Where's the soap?" The other one replies, "It does, doesn't it."
Molly - I was probably laughing like Sid James myself last night when we were watching the recording of Sunday's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Richard Lewis's nurse trying to steal a baseball and a mobile phone in her Incredibly Large Vagina ... mind you, the Sky Plus got stuck halfway through the recording. If anyone knows what happens in the few minutes when Jeff ends up having to share a bed with Cheryl, and Larry has to share a bed with Susie, let me know.

Erm ... thanks, anyway, Molly. Parties, blaah. That's another thing to moan about. The possibilities for complaining about stuff are endless, aren't they?

Richard - will have to consult the Dave Allen book of nun jokes, by the look of it.
I think the ethos of this meme has become somewhat skewed on its way around the blogosphere.

I've never seen my "paragraph" described as cognitive therapy bollockspeak before. How novel.
Well Sharon, the internet is a small world eh? That'll teach me ...

Please don't take any notice of the crap posted on this blog, which is ill-thought out rubbish that I made up on the spot about thirty seconds ago. Complete bollockspeak, in fact.
>>I think the ethos of this meme has become somewhat skewed on its way around the blogosphere.<<

Isn't that what's so great about the blogosphere, though? It's like a gigantic game of Chinese Whispers.

If I'd ever bothered reading that book I've got about memes, I might have something intelligent to say here. As it is, I'll just acknowledge that I still read this blog, and that you (Betty) always make me laugh.
Thanks, Patroclus. Blimey, everyone's being really nice to me. Is it due to the festive spirit taking hold?

I was going to mention something about Chinese whispers - everyone I've seen do this meme isn't quite sure what it entails and has taken it in their own direction. Rockmother ended up providing twenty five facts, and I see Surly Girl has had a stab at it now. Plus there's that "All The Useful DIY Tips That Men I Have Gone Out With Have Taught Me" meme that they're all taking about, hem hem.
I read your blog.. and lol at not driving! :)
i'm here...and i'm wearing a sweatshirt now.
thought i'd share.
won't have a cellphone. if someone wants to talk to me that can leave a message on my voicemail that i will ignore.
i have no idea what i meant by that, by the way. what was i trying to convey? it is a mystery.
Well, I got told to write five things about myself too. I was wondering how to do it in a sort of way that wouldn't be too self indulgent - and then I thought no fuck it, why shouldn't I tell anyone who wants hear how great I am, but now, after this post Betty, I just can't bring myself to do it.
Betty I'll just add myself to your list of dedicated readers and say I enjoyed the anti-meme... I have a theory that true alternative icons of music, stage, screen etc. are defined by their 'negative' qualities: what they don't reveal about themselves, what they don't like/say/do or only do ironically or under duress, or by what they might have done but would never own up to; in which case you are one of the stars of the blog-world!
It was the cognitive therapy bit that got me. Bollockspeak I can go along with... I do indeed talk a lot of bollocks, but... well... cognitive? Psychological like? And therapeutic? I think I need to scratch my bunion while I think about that.
Perspective Inc. - hello and welcome. Believe me, I really am keeping death off the roads. I react very slowly to things, which is pretty dangerous for a driver. I had just about summoned up the courage to consider having driving lessons (er, at 35) when I was in an accident where the car I was in was shunted along the road by a truck, spinning round three times. None of us got hurt, by some miracle. If I'd been driving, I'm sure we would've all been dead.

First Nations - hope you have de-thawed by now. I tell you what, the best thing to get is one of those phones where the name of the caller (or their number) shows up when they ring. That way you only get to speak to the three or four people you actually like and THE REST OF THEM CAN'T GET THROUGH! Wonderful.

Tom - oh go on, do it. Win or lose, Vicus will always take the piss out of you. Actually, is that what the blank post was all about?

Shykitten - thanks darlin', that's really nice of you. Mind you, much as I'd love to think of myself as the Greta Garbo of the blog world, the reality is that there's not much to reveal anyway. I've not mastered half a dozen languages, I didn't spend five years working for an underground resistance movement in Middle America and I didn't teach myself how to perform open heart surgery. Still, I'll carry on working at being an enigma!

Sharon - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy

I was looking for information on social phobia (which I "suffer" from, erm, to quite a degree, which is putting it mildly) and apparently cognitive therapy is the best way to "cure" it. It's all about getting out of a cycle of negative thinking, and trying to put a positive spin on things. Except that I don't want to, and really enjoy seeing everything in a bad light.

It's a case of everyone seeing things in a different way, I suppose. Er, I'm just a cynic, ignore me while I carry on digging myself into a hole.
I agree with your stance re: No 2.
Are debit cards OK?
Istvanski, I dunno about debit cards. It's probably best for people like me to stay away from any kind of plastic money and stay in penury for the rest of their days.
You Betty, are surely the funniest, most wonderful blogger ever.
Molly - hope you haven't been necking the Christmas spirit yet. Remember, alcohol is the devil's buttermilk and corrupts the soul. We must all strive to avoid its lure.
Ilfracombe is lovely this time of year. Nothing about it resembles Deliverance. The council have employed trained marksmen to take out the really scaries so they don't put off the tourists.
Martyn, I hope this isn't the case, otherwise my readership would be reduced by about 97 per cent. Those scarey inbreeds who shout at the traffic are my public. Cough.
Social phobia was part of my diagnosis from the Greek Genius, and is why I shout at the other cars when I am driving. Apparently. Cognitive therapy was one of things we've tried. I'm now fully knowing that I hate being on the road, weddings and more than anything, supermarkets.

I got complimented once. On the beauty of my cock. A week later she didn't want to sleep with me any more. So don't worry about lack of compliments. They're not sincere.

And I really love your excellent blog, honestly.

What is this meme shit, am I missing out on something or what?
Thanks, Krust.

Well, I've got a pretty cynical attitude towards any sort of counselling or psychotherapy. Surely it's in the interest of the counsellor/therapist not to help someone resolve their problems? Otherwise the counsellor/therapist is out of a job.

Anyway, why is being an introvert a "problem"? Why do we have to think that being pushy, mouthy and overconfident is the norm, and anyone who doesn't have these personality traits needs to be "cured"?

Hmm, it annoys me so much, I might post about it, actually.
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