Monday, December 18, 2006


Right, bollocks, who cares anymore? It's only a week until you have to spend an hour and a half trying to work out how that fun for all the family DVD Christmas game works, then giving up and playing Pictionary with all the fucking family instead, cringing internally.

So I am going to review the year for the next few days, which is what you're supposed to do to prove that you're lightening up for the holiday season. Don't worry. It's going to be really shoddy.

First up:


* Lorraine saying "woow, LOOOK at that picture, beautifulbeautiful girrrull" at a photo of any woman who looks slightly more attractive than Ann Widdecombe.

* That bloke Mark Wotsisface who is the fashion "expert" saying "Orhh horr ... right, next up is Nesh, our plus size model (... I mean, she must be at least a size 12) in the Marks & Spencer dress".

Lorraine: "Ooooh, Markies!"

Mark Wotsisface: "I tell you what, who needs Missoni when you've got Marks & Spencer, orhh horr?"

* Lorraine talking about, and ruining, the future soap storylines with Tina Baker, ITV's fag haggiest woman.

* Lorraine interviewing cheeky rough diamond geezers such as Bradley Walsh and Shane Richie with lots of flirtation and throaty laughter involved.

* Keith Chegwin running around housing estates and inevitably shouting "WAY HEY!" accompanied by some Benny Hill-style music. One of the most distressing phenomena of the modern age.

* Mark Wotsisface commenting as YET AGAIN the picture of Sienna Miller in that gold mini dress/black opaque tights combo appears on screen:

"I tell you what, THIS is THEEE iconic party look you'll be wearing this season."

Lorraine: "oh woow, what can you say, beautifulbeautiful girrrull."

* Numerous interviews with women who have gained too much weight, lost too much weight, or had too much plastic surgery, all looking as miserable as sin.

* Ad breaks featuring that one where the ladies who lunch discuss a stool softening product.

* * * * * * *

Right, I'm off to queue up in the Post Office for about three days. Forthcoming: review of the year in pop music and television, and my blogging awards for 2006. All really pompous, earnest and dull. Bet you can't wait.

Jings, criffens, just see yoooo Betty hen!
I've never seen this programme of which you speak, and fortunately feel I don't need to now!
Be thankful for small mercies - at least Cheggers keeps his clothes on.
Oh and actually Murph watches it every day!

Thank you for watching this Betty, so I don't have to.
Firstly, I second Billy's comment.
Secondly, I am here to shamefully plug this year's first Xmas podcast over at mine before anyone else does.

Lorraine Kelly?
Tom Cruise??
John "f*cking" Travolta???

Bunch of...
Murruph - it really messes with mah heed, I tell yi.

Kaz - agreed, Cheggers with clothes on is better than Cheggers naked, but no Cheggers at all is best.

Billy - I know, my unselfishness knows no bounds.
Istvanski - yeah, I'm on podcast listening duties this afternoon, so it's you and Billy I've got to catch up on.

Tom Cruise, Lorraine Kelly and John Travolta? Are they all appearing in the same film then?
I like Lorraine Kelly.

I seem to remember that she chose G-strings and Liz Hurley when she was on Room 101, so I think we'd get along rather well.
Someone should get you do do the review of the year betty, can't be worse than Angus Deayton.
"Bet you can't wait" - no, honest, I can't. Bound to be more entertaining that the end-of-year music lists I and countless others feel compelled to produce...
Little-known fact about Lorraine Kelly:

She played the Sherman tank in Kelly's Heroes.
Spinsterella - she seems like a nice enough old bird and doesn't fit the thirtysomething blonde stick instect stereotype of morning television presenters. She doesn't seem to be a complete cow either. A pity that so much of the stuff she has to present on shows is rubbish.

Realdoc - if one of those obscure satellite channels (I dunno, UK Bronze) wants to pay me to do it, I'm sure I could conjure up the right level of gloating smugness.

Ben - oh, it'll be an earnest and lengthy review of the top 500 albums of 2006, probably topped off with Broken Social Scene and Joanna Newsom. Erm ... no, it'll be shoddy and superficial and highlight how out of touch I am. I can't help it, I was born in 1907.

Lucien - she was also the hole in the sock, the hole in the shoe where the rain came through in On Mother Kelly's Doorstep. Welcome back, by the way.
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