Friday, December 08, 2006


I'm sure you're all still dying to know the details of the annual birthday bash for the mother-in-law, AKA Die Uber Fuhrer.

I have to say that the incident in which the French waiter explained to her that the restaurant genuinely is a French restaurant (as detailed here) was up to Ricky Gervais levels of knuckle chewing embarrassment. I don't like knuckle chewing embarrassment, so I didn't make eye contact with any of the staff for the rest of the meal.

Some things I found out:

1. It was Robin Williams who was on Parkinson's show last weekend, not Robbie Williams, who is always on there. Robin Williams is ever so funny, apparently. Although I think I'd rather knock my own teeth out with a mallet than watch Robin Williams in either his rat-a-tat-tat knock 'em dead puns and silly voices guise, or, even worse, his touchy feely serious guise (always accompanied by a lot of facial hair).

2. Norma's big stupid son the fireman is coming home after doing some modelling in Dubai. According to the sister in law "he's quite good looking, but he's got no personality". I think he may have been modelling for this calendar:

(photo nicked from the blog of Monsieur Bookpacker, without permission. Hopefully I won't get sued. Monsieur Bookpacker has a very entertaining blog and a much more exciting life than me, so I'm sure he doesn't need to sue me. Oh no.)

Um, anyway ...

3. Because John Terry lookalike Stoooooooowuuuuurrtt and the sister in law are going on a skiing holiday to escape Christmas family get-together duties, there was much talk of salopettes on sale in TK Maxx. As, indeed, there was at last year's meal.

4. Ray is apparently the best thing left in The X-Factor. Is he the thirty six year old dwarf with the face of a ten year old? Or is that L'il Chris?

5. Sadly, no mention was made of Philip (AKA Fill-up) of Maureen and Philip fame, who now has a stair lift despite his being way too big to actually use it safely. As the mother-in-law once said, "he's always been a big man. He used to do things like get up during the night and eat a big chunk of cheese". He's also lived to a ripe old age for such a big man too. Apparently.

Right. Do I have to get into the festive spirit yet?

Families eh?
Don't ya just luv em?
I got a Christmas card from my line manager a couple of years ago which said 'To Kaz and family'.
I thoroughly enjoyed seeing his face when I told him I hadn't got one!
I could handle Norma's son though!
This modelling Fireman. Was it something to do with Airfix?
Kaz - well, I don't have any family left of my own actually, and I'm trying to keep the in-laws at arm's length (probably because I'm in denial). Norma's son, is, by common consent, a complete twat. I've not actually seen him so can't confirm if he's eye candy or not.

Murhp - doesn't look like it from the photos.
Sod families and the festering spirit; just set a deckchair up outside your front gate, set fire to the neighbour's house and sit back and watch the firemen.
You can now be issued a note of absence for the rest of the 'festivities'.
If you imagine the whole dinner event as a play, Penelope Wilton would be there, don't you think?

I no longer feel able to say "don't get yer knickers in a twist", thanks to that picture, by the way.
Dive - we're actually on speaking terms with all our neighbours for the first time ever (well, only as in grunting "hullo" if we see them ... apart from the nerdy bloke who tells you his life story ...). I don't want to do anything to rock the peace. Besides which, I have to admit that I'm not actually that bothered about firemen (cue chorus of women shieking "whaaaaat???").

I don't understand the thing with firemen.

There, I've said it.

Arabella - oh, I always try to view these sort of events as plays, with me as an "outsider", smirking and feeling all smug and superior and above it all, and trying to remember all the quirky and ridiculous things say. What a hateful cow I am.

Yeah, there does seem to be a pant problem going on. It looks as if he hasn't got the hang of how to wear a thong and is wearing the gusset around his waist. D'oh!
Oh noooooo. Not men-calendars!

Don't get in the festive spirit Bettster, come and have some 20/20 with me round the back of Tesco. It'll be much more fun. Parties? Argh. Festivities? Argh. Large groups of more than 1? Argh. No toilet paper in the loos? Argh. Sultanas on a large scale? Eeeeeeeek. No.

Step. Away. From. The. Festivities. Betty.
Don't make me do parties.
I think you'll find they are not firemen but members of the Stade Francais rugby team. That man is wearing a jock-strap. I don't know how I know these things but I do.
Nah - it's only hateful if you don't come from 'there' - like Mike Leigh.
"Salopettes"...salopettes. I like the sound of it but I don't think it's an whores...horse derv... I don't think it's a starter?
Molly - is the back of Tesco as bad as the back of Asda (B/heath)? It's right next to one of those half-pipe park things, so there are always loads of surly looking fourteen year olds hanging around of an evening. Oh, and the car park seems to have a few boy racers pelting along at 90 mph. Very dodgy.

Well, I'll be partying every night until January 5th. All round to mine tonight for sultanas, taramasalata, bombay mix, cooking lager, Blue Nun and Jamiroquai on the stereogram all night.

Realdoc - thank you for that brave investigation and for going where others fear to tread. At least it's not a cricketer's box, eh?

Arabella - doesn't it make me a working class traitor though, taking the mickey out of people from my own background? At this rate I'll start using the ch*v word ... gawd forbid.

Salopettes are a good horse doovrer to serve before pilchard curry.
You can nick anything from me anytime, Betty, if you say things like that! My life is SO exciting that I've been reduced to blogging about my mobile phone. I had completely forgotten about pilchards, though. I don't think we have them here. Could we please have a pilchard curry recipe??
So, all that stuff about jetting off to Las Vegas and attending parties and stuff is made up? Hmm, might try that myself.

I'm sure that the French wouldn't lower themselves to eat pilchards, which is very sensible of them. I wonder if the infamous Abigail's Party recipe for pilchard curry actually exists, or has been used? Ugh.
Someone mention firemen?

(Good-looking stupid ones?)
I've just read that Bill Bryson book about the english language and apparently 'jock' is what everybody used to say insted of 'cock'.

hence jockstrap.

'Jock' is a much nicer word, isn't it? Shame it's fallen out of use.

There's no excuse for those pictures though
I've been having the working class traitor debate with myself for years. It started when I returned home and no longer dropped my aitches - it made people I knew from school ignore me or try to beat me up ("cries of "nothing new there, then").
Perhaps it is only treachery when the mickey-taking is used to ingratiate with the middle classes? Hmmmm.
Sorry to come over all serious. Off to drink sterilised milk from the bottle.
Annie - thing is, I had a conversation about firemen with the other half, and all the firemen we've known are nowhere near the hunky stereotype that women tend to fantasise about. They're usually about five foot tall and bald.

Spinsterella - ah, that would explain a few things!

The radio disc jockey, Chris Moyles.

The club disc jockey, Fatboy Slim.

The former horse jockey, Lester Piggott.

Thanks for that. What a bunch of jocks!

Arabella - you could have a point there. I worry that I'm trying to ingratiate myself with the middle classes here because, um, most bloggers are middle class. Then again, I take the mickey out of the middle classes even more, and still not as much as middle class people take the mickey out of themselves.

Can you still get sterilised bottled milk? Unhappy memories of childhood ...
Betty, I've told you before, if you really have to put up photos of men's arses, then for the sake of balance, and to make me happy, you have to put up at least one photo of some hot girl's arse too.
I'm waiting.
Tom, no sooner said than done. There's a comely nekkid woman for you to drool over here:


Happy viewing!
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