Tuesday, March 09, 2010


Well I've been away having *essential maintenance work* done and despite a month in hospital, the tortuous pain and the hideous bruising in the first week it was all worth it. Now I feel as if I'm ready to face the world again. So far, one person has commented that I can "pass for thirty eight on a good day" and seven other people have said "you look as if you've had a good night's sleep!" Well worth the eighty grand, then.

During my absence, there have been a number of compelling news stories which you are probably all familiar with and indifferent to. The most disturbing to have caught my eyes is the one concerning this individual:

No, not the one in the wellies - the fucking enormous spider crab, found in Japanese waters and, predictably enough, named Crabzilla.

The leggy redhead (21) is currently residing at Birmingham's National Sea Life Centre and is surely an indication of the frightening genetic mutations taking place due to heavy sea pollution, er, maan.

My years of exploring rock pools are well behind me and, after seeing this, I doubt I'll be venturing into the sea in the near future.

We are told that next month Crabzilla will be "starting a new life" in Belgium. I don't know if he'll be starting a new life in the same way as Marvin Gaye, who moved there in the autumn years of his career and seemed to spend a lot of time playing darts.

Perhaps he'll be released into the canals of Bruges, destined to horrify innocent tourists on barges as he rises up from the deep.

One day, of course, he is going to climb to the top of the Empire State Building.

This is his first stop on the way to the top, but some may see it as a sideways move.

*bangs head repeatedly against wall*

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Welcome back.
There's got to be a joke about crabs and Birmingham, but I can't think of it right now.

Glad you're back.
Find a mate for it quick. Only farming something this big will enable me to afford the crab cakes in Wholefoods.

You're back! Now, we just have to get First Nations to quit all that hippy happy nonsense and life will be good again.
I have yearned for you tragically.

Although I am concerned about the juxtaposition of postings about your health and crabs. Please do not be too rigorous in establishing that link.
I'm glad to hear that your recovery is going well.

That Crabzilla looks delicious! Mmmmm. He'll go great with some melted butter and a side of potatoes!
It will be interesting if Crabzilla starts throwing darts from the Empire State building... anyhow, it'll make a fab movie.
You won't get the Meryl parts any more - but perhaps a role in Desperate Housewives.
Good to have you back, Betty - and passing comment on the day's most pressing issues.
Is Geoff's coming down with a nanovirus a cry for attention?

My youngest brother is fascinated with these things.

When we go to the sea life centre in Weymouth he hangs around the tank with them in and lectures any child that comes near about the wonders of the Japanese Spider Crab and what an awesome wildlife expert he (my brother) will be when he grows up.

Apparently they live on the sea bed way down in the dark and I'm just STUPID to be scared of meeting one on the beach. But you never know.
Some rich bastard will pay the Sea Life Centre ONE MILLION "whatevers" so that he can show off and serve the poor old crustacean at his daughter's wedding...
along with the Whooping Crane L'Orange and Pasta Panda Supreme.

Then they'll get some special effects company in L.A. to make an animatronic version of Crabzilla to dump in the polluted canal. While U2 plays all the dignitaries openly weep as PeTA thugs drop their paint cannisters and light up cigarettes.

Before you know it Andrew Bloody Lloyd Weber and Simon Cowell have produced a reality-musical aboot Crabziller...
but they're soon sued by the B52's because the BIG musical number sounds an "awful lot" like Rock Lobster.

It doesn't matter, because the musical pales in comparison to the cyber buzz created by the straight to DVD porno, der Krabzilla starring "Dieter" Hasselhoff?

Like the uberfake mechanical Crabzilla tossed into the drink, so too has the Hoff's bloated carcass finally reached rock bottom.
I think you're terribly brave.

My hopes are pinned on Eva Fraser's Facial Workout DVD. So far I've taken the cellophane off!

I hope the wellie-person is accompanying it - they look made for each other and so happy together.
That's what I imagine David Cameron is going to look like if he wins the election. His head will pop open and crabzilla will descend, voiced by Mrs Thatcher
the knife, eh? you brave person!

and is it crabzilla or Clegg/Cameron?
Thanks for all of your comments. Um, it's a bit late to reply to them now and I'm sure you've all moved on with your lives now and are doing very interesting and fulfilling things that don't involve blogging. Cough.
I'm always concerned to be ahead of the wave, curve, zeitgeist etc, so how appropriate that I should comment on a post from March.
If you ever see this, welcome back.

Will be in Bruges in about 3 weeks time. I'll be the one keeping close to the wall...

Does it predict the outcome of football matches?
It was in the canal & it ate my stepson. Could have been worse.
Boggins - glad there was such a happy outcome to your holiday. Now planning a weekend break in Bruges with my mother in law.
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