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Friday, March 21, 2008

A TRUTH UNIVERSALLY ACKNOWLEDGED 

Well, it's Easter, so I've decided to pull out all of the stops and do one of my competitions.

God, it must be years since the last competition! Was it the prize of a fifteen foot inflatable Mick Hucknall that was airlifted over Wigan, with the runner up prize of a date with the Mick Hucknall lookalike?

Those were carefree, innocent days, before we bloggers all got book deals and fucked off to live in Manhattan! Now it's all business calls at three in the morning to Tokyo and five hours spent doing yoga with our personal trainers ... yawn! Now everything is so seeerious!

Anyway, recently we've been watching a lot of adaptations of Jane Austen novels that have been on BBC4, and excellent they are too. I'll write about them in more detail later ... perhaps.

There was some discussion about Austen's heroes and villains. Geoff wrote about this burning topic here. Still, most of you will be too lazy to click on the link, so I'll just summarise: heroes in Austen novels dress to the right; villains to the left.

... so that's the basis of the competition. Here is the double wedding scene in the final bit of Pride And Prejudice ...


Use your skills to come up with an amusing (or pertinent, or poignant) caption for the above picture.

The best caption will win a slightly soiled Austen style empire line wedding dress from a St. John's Ambulance shop in Lincolnshire, of the sort that became fashionable after Pride And Prejudice was on television. It's the sort of dress that only suits thin willowy teenage girls, and makes every other woman look like a hod carrier on a drag night ... and, remember, it is slightly soiled.

I'm fully aware that this could be another Tumbleweed Post, as bloggers *flock to the airports*, causing *traffic chaos*, leaving only the housebound and that bloke Strangeways Alan who keeps sending me long, rambling and slightly too personal e-mails.

Still, happy Easter, one and all. Don't mind me :(

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Comments:
Darcy looked around nervously for an exit. He had not been aware that she had flowers growing out of her pubes.
 
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man who is that good looking probably pulled off into a little chef on the way here".
 
Darcy: Oh God - I am hanging to the right aren't I?
 
No, MJ.

Clicking on the pic will NOT make my cock bigger.
 
There's a commotion goin' on me jodhpurs Lizzie!

That Mrs Bennett tried to get her laughing gear round my £5000 a year, the filthy mare.
 
Vicus - it tends to happen in spring though.

Murph - not another mention for Antony Worall Thompson! You're obsessed!

Rockmother - about as far right as it's possible to be without joining the BNP.

MJ - if you put "pride and prejudice wedding" into Google you can choose it as a wallpaper. It'll be a lot larger. The whole picture, that is.

Garfer - not many of them to the pound, eh?
 
if only that photographer would go away, then I could sort out the rucks in my knickers and then perhaps I'd enjoy this.
(and why is there a photographer anyway, it hasn't been invented)
 
While Darcy wonders what happened to his other testicle supporter Jennifer Ehle looks smug about her forthcoming nude bath scene in Camomile Lawn which will drive 87% of the British male population insane with lust.
 
Bingley and Darcy compete for the vicar's attention safe in the knowledge the two sisters have not seen an erection before.
 
If Geoff wins, this compo was fixed.
 
Rosneath - I'd be disturbed if I'd had my photograph taken before cameras had been invented. In fact, having my picture taken now is still pretty frightening. Perhaps it was a camera obscura?

Kaz - was a testicle supporter a popular item of gentleman's dress in the early 19th Century? These days it would be a term used to describe Chelsea FC followers I suppose.

Geoff - they've never seen an erection despite being in an Andrew Davies production! A likely story.

MJ - the competition is not open to friends or family. Besides, Geoff would look awful in that wedding dress. Doesn't suit his colouring.
 
Bucks Fizz's new Georgian direction failed to impress the Eurovision jury.
 
Del - I dunno. I would have thought that a Georgian direction would be quite popular. You know how those former Eastern Bloc countries tend to vote for each other in Eurovision!
 
"Brave faces all round as news of the Bingly-Darcy accountant's hasty flight to the West Indies carrying suitcases stuffed with cash reaches Pemberley."

I always favoured Bingly; earnest idiocy wins out every time for me.
 
Detecting wetness in hidden places with a 'divining rod', also known as doodlebugging, was invented as a way to escape the tedium of church services. Hence the term divining. It was a time honored tradition well known to Austen.

Judging by the pull on Mr Darcy's rod there is a considerable amount of moisture to be had on his immediate right.
 
Boz - yeah, I know what you mean about Bingley. Old Darcy was pretty tiresome really. Arrogant, surly. All the crap you have to go through just to attempt to stay on the right side of people like that! As Geoff said, Darcy is a "dark brooding c*nt".

Donn - I may moan about being a woman and all the hormonal and menstrual stuff, but I'm grateful that I don't have a divining rod. Darcy's divining rod must have caused him a lot of problems at that wedding though ... perhaps he should've chosen to wear dark coloured breeches instead?
 
Where's my prize?
 
The competition isn't over yet, even though everybody seems to have lost interest. So have I, come to think of it ...
 
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