Tuesday, January 05, 2010
BODIES PILING UP IN THE STREETS, JOE STRUMMERS MANS THE BARRICADES
Apparently this is set to be the coldest winter since the mythological Winter Of Discontent of 1978-1979.
This sounds ominous, given the political implications. Come spring, we will be looking at another Conservative Thousand Year Reich. Oh well.
Otherwise, I can remember the Winter Of Discontent being particularly unpleasant because I had to trudge through snow drifts to school for about four months. In those days girls weren't allowed to wear trousers as part of school uniform in case we became terrifying ugly moustachioed man hating lesbian women's liberationisticals or whatever the f*ck they were called. One vaguely rebellious girl turned up at the school gates wearing jeans and was promptly told to go home and change into something more feminine and appropriate. Our tiny legs were frozen.
I spent most of the winter wearing a pair of derivative Kickers which became more and more grubby looking and battered. The reason I wore derivative Kickers is because (a) it was 1978, (b) my parents were too poor to afford the real thing and (c) they were the only shoes I had with any sort of tread which meant I would avoid flying arse over tit in the ice and snow; I lived at the top of a hill.
There was no relief when I got home. Endless homework in preparation for O-levels. A freezing house due to a lack of central heating. Damp peeling the wallpaper away on my bedroom wall. Pitiful Dickensian bollocks, what?
The winter seemed to last for ever and ever, which meant that I greeted spring with joy unbounded. I went to school at the beginning of the spring term in NEW SHOES! These were the most expensive shoes my parents had ever bought me (perhaps even they were feeling sorry for me) - high(ish) heels, soft leather, gorgeous, plush and comfortable. The grubby old pseudo Kickers could take a running jump, sonny.
... except that, at the end of the first day of the spring term there was a surprising turn of events. The weather forecast hadn't warned us it would happen, but ...
... there was a massive SNOWSTORM. Drifting snow had built up and continued to fall as I walked home ... in April ... in my new shoes ... which were completely RUINED.
There's some sort of moral to this tale of woe, but I can't be arsed to find out what it is.
Labels: Kickers, nostalgic crap - yet again, snow, Winter Of Discontent
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
THE SIEGFRIED LINE
I've decided to devote the next couple of posts to my millions upon millions of LOCAL readers who want to read about LOCAL issues.
These posts are dedicated to them, even though they tend to have weird respiratory diseases and anger management problems.
In fact, I love them so much that I'd love to gather them up in a big old group hug. Well, if they didn't all smell of used ash trays, urine and dead breath, that is.
* * * * * * *
They bravely walked FIVE MILES through all of that snow ...
... so that they could play a snooker match.
We're not told if the snooker match was indoors or, possibly, outdoors in a beer garden.
To the Bexley Times, this invokes THE DUNKIRK SPIRIT.
Absolutely. Who could ever forget that day in 1940 when an entire regiment of Our Boys swam across the Channel, only aided by a motley collection of rusty bathtubs, rubber dingies, and in some cases, water wings, flippers and smeared in a month's ration coupons' worth of goose grease?
All of this so that they could play a game of cribbage at the Flag And Lamb pub in Deal!
Fair warms the heart, it does.
Back to the snooker players though - former RAF man Larry Parnes (89) had this to say:
"I think it's a rummin' disgrace they're not running the buses, trains or aeroplanes. In 1947, during the Great Snow Of 1947, they just used to keep the buses running all the time and we used to just carry on playing snooker as if nothing had happened. They were a different breed in those days. I don't know how they'd cope if there was a war now. They'd be too busy putting their lipstick on to have a game of snooker."
A few pages on in the newspaper, in Bob Ogley's "Times Past" column there are some old pictures of buses that ran adrift in snow or skidded off the roads in the 1940's.
Some people attempt to board a bus via the top deck in the 1940s in some snow, with life carrying on as normal.
Labels: beer gardens, Bexley Times, local issues, snooker, snow, the 1940's
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
SUNBURST AND SNOWBLIND
Well, I've ridden out the Great Snow, despite the fact that everyone else has been snowblogging and now everyone is snowblogged out.
I still haven't worked out what "London's idiot mayor" (thank you, Mike Skinner) was on about with his "It's the wrong kind of snow, but not necessarily in the right order. Carry on! You're all doing very well!" quote. Was he making a reference to The Morecambe And Wise Show and Are You Being Served? Bloody fortysomethings and their deference to old comedy shows, Curly Wurlies, Spangles, wing collar shirts, Chicory Tip, etc.
I'm fed up of the endless *heartwarming* pictures on TV and in the papers of children on sledges or people falling on their arses walking down the steps outside Waterloo railway station. Enough!
Still, it didn't deter me from building a thirty foot Wickerman snowman in the back garden, and I've sent the picture to the Bexley xTra website. Go over there and have a look!
Labels: Boris Johnson, Mike Skinner, Morecambe And Wise, snow
Thursday, March 20, 2008
THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY
It's the beginning of the Easter break tomorrow. However, Easter in Britain this year is apparently going to look like this:
... but less picturesque in places like Welling or New Brighton, obviously.
To paraphrase lovely right wing anti abortionist Eurovision winner Dana, according to all sources, colder weather is on the way. There is a threat of three snowflakes bringing the national rail network to a halt.
As is traditional at this time of year, the TV news reporters feel compelled to describe the awful fate that awaits anyone who attempts to leave the country for warmer climes.
You may wish to keep a record of the number of times the following phrases are used in news reports:
"traffic chaos"
"engineering works on railways closing many stations"
"gridlocked roads as people leave work early"
"threatened strike by baggage handlers at many airports"
"disgruntled passengers face overnight waits as flights are cancelled"
"disgruntled junior TV reporters left to hold fort reading same cliched Easter-related stories every bloody year as more senior staff swan off on long haul flights to paradise islands"
Anyway, I should warn you that, hey ho, the next four days are going to be a *Higher Hell* and you will all be *hot cross bunnies*...
I'll be back tomorrow with a competition, for those of you who are left stranded, alone and sad at home.
... but less picturesque in places like Welling or New Brighton, obviously.
To paraphrase lovely right wing anti abortionist Eurovision winner Dana, according to all sources, colder weather is on the way. There is a threat of three snowflakes bringing the national rail network to a halt.
As is traditional at this time of year, the TV news reporters feel compelled to describe the awful fate that awaits anyone who attempts to leave the country for warmer climes.
You may wish to keep a record of the number of times the following phrases are used in news reports:
"traffic chaos"
"engineering works on railways closing many stations"
"gridlocked roads as people leave work early"
"threatened strike by baggage handlers at many airports"
"disgruntled passengers face overnight waits as flights are cancelled"
"disgruntled junior TV reporters left to hold fort reading same cliched Easter-related stories every bloody year as more senior staff swan off on long haul flights to paradise islands"
Anyway, I should warn you that, hey ho, the next four days are going to be a *Higher Hell* and you will all be *hot cross bunnies*...
I'll be back tomorrow with a competition, for those of you who are left stranded, alone and sad at home.
Labels: Dana, Easter chaos, Echo And The Bunnymen, snow, Welling
