Saturday, November 29, 2008
'FORE!
In recent years, the Christmas number one has been a foregone conclusion - it has to be whoever has just won the X-Factor.
Jimmy Tarbuck: off to a tee
Iggy Pop: the world's forgotten boy
Ronnie Corbett: straight down the middle
Bing Crosby: what a dude! Don't you wish golfers dressed like this ...
... rather than like this (Kenny Lynch)
However, this year there is going to be stiff competition from a charity record that's being recorded with an amazing array of talent.
A number of celebrity - sorry - CELEBRIDEE golfers are getting together to record a cover of a song. All of the profits will go to a charidee: to be specific, the Help A Snub Nosed Freckled Cockney Urchin charidee.
Everybody loves snub nosed cockney urchins, who are definitely cuter than old people or starving people in the developing world or wretchedly poor people whose homes have been lost due to floods or storms. After all, we've all wanted to pinch the cheek of a cockney urchin at some time or other, haven't we?
Anyway, the combined celebs will leave you dazzled with their starry ways. They are:
Jimmy Tarbuck: off to a tee
Iggy Pop: the world's forgotten boy
Ronnie Corbett: straight down the middle
Bing Crosby: what a dude! Don't you wish golfers dressed like this ...
... rather than like this (Kenny Lynch)
Alice Cooper: he wants to be elected
Bruce Forsyth: wood on the fairway
... as I said, what an array of talent! Bing, as you may have worked out for yourself, is going to croon from beyond the grave. This hasn't been attempted since Nat King Cole recorded that duet with his daughter, but you can always rely on Bing, can't you?
Anyway, the collabo is going to be a new version of the Arctic Monkeys hit I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor.
It'll be called I Bet You Look Good On The Golf Course.
So open your purses and buy or download this when it's released next week and all your money will go towards putting a smile on the face of a cockney urchin. That has to be worth shelling out for, doesn't it?
ALEX AND ALEXA - GET A ROOM! (Chosen headline on the London Lite gossip page approx. once every three weeks)
Labels: Arctic Monkeys, Bing Crosby, Bruce Forsyth, celebridees, charidee, cockney urchins, Judith O'Reilly, Tarby
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
MANY A MICKLE MACCS A MUCKLE
It's the parlour game they're all playing, from coast to coast! The best Sun-type headlines about the verdict of the Mills/McCartney case!
Here are a few, for instance:
1. Apparently, an angry Heather Mills threw a glass of water over Paul's lawyer Fiona Shackleton:
SHACKATAK
2. It's a little known fact that Heather is being "consoled" by annoying falsetto voiced Freddie Mercury tribute act Mika, even though most of us would assume that he caught the other bus! Mika has felt that he has to speak out on behalf of Heather, and will tell all in an expose of the "dark side" of Paul McCartney in the News Of The World:
MUCCA'S MUCKER MIKA MAKESA FOOLA MACCA
3. It has recently emerged that Fiona Shackleton has been "getting close" to '90's reggae star and erstwhile Mr Loverman, Shabba Ranks:
MACCA'S LAWYER SHACKA SHACKED UP WITH SHABBA SHOCKA.
Over to you ...
Here are a few, for instance:
1. Apparently, an angry Heather Mills threw a glass of water over Paul's lawyer Fiona Shackleton:
SHACKATAK
2. It's a little known fact that Heather is being "consoled" by annoying falsetto voiced Freddie Mercury tribute act Mika, even though most of us would assume that he caught the other bus! Mika has felt that he has to speak out on behalf of Heather, and will tell all in an expose of the "dark side" of Paul McCartney in the News Of The World:
MUCCA'S MUCKER MIKA MAKESA FOOLA MACCA
3. It has recently emerged that Fiona Shackleton has been "getting close" to '90's reggae star and erstwhile Mr Loverman, Shabba Ranks:
MACCA'S LAWYER SHACKA SHACKED UP WITH SHABBA SHOCKA.
Over to you ...
Labels: charidee, Gordon Jackson, Macca, Mika, Mucca, Shabba Ranks, Shakatak, Shakatak Lackattack, The Sun
Sunday, March 16, 2008
HAND RELIEF 2
The Sport Relief weekend continues, and is set to carry on into the next decade.
Today, BBC1 featured Sport Relief Mile, a programme based on countrywide mile long fundraising runs.
The programme lasted for three and a half hours.
Even a centenarian one legged tortoise could complete a mile race in less than three and a half hours.
In fact, Pinta Island tortoise Lonesome George (the last survivor of his species, and estimated to be at least sixty years old) completed the mile today on one of the Galapagos Islands in a personal best time of 17:32 minutes.
George: fast off the marks
Later, BBC 1 continued with the interminable charideethon coverage in the form of Antique Roadshow Sport Relief Special (if you don't believe me, look it up in your TV guide). The highlight of this was Dishy Michael Aspel attempting to complete an It's A Knockout style obstacle course carrying a Victorian tureen in one hand and a Ming vase in the other, while balancing a miniature of a Turner seascape on his head. Commentary was provided by Stuart Hall and there were *hilarious* consequences.
Today, BBC1 featured Sport Relief Mile, a programme based on countrywide mile long fundraising runs.
The programme lasted for three and a half hours.
Even a centenarian one legged tortoise could complete a mile race in less than three and a half hours.
In fact, Pinta Island tortoise Lonesome George (the last survivor of his species, and estimated to be at least sixty years old) completed the mile today on one of the Galapagos Islands in a personal best time of 17:32 minutes.
George: fast off the marks
Later, BBC 1 continued with the interminable charideethon coverage in the form of Antique Roadshow Sport Relief Special (if you don't believe me, look it up in your TV guide). The highlight of this was Dishy Michael Aspel attempting to complete an It's A Knockout style obstacle course carrying a Victorian tureen in one hand and a Ming vase in the other, while balancing a miniature of a Turner seascape on his head. Commentary was provided by Stuart Hall and there were *hilarious* consequences.
Labels: Alan Shearer grew a beard or something, charidee, Stuart Hall, tortoises
Saturday, March 15, 2008
HAND RELIEF
Three aspects of the weekend's charidee marathon ...
On Radio One yesterday, Edith Bowman praised everyone who had "GOT OFF THEIR BACKSIDES TO DO SOMETHING FOR SPORT RELIEF". Fair warms the cockles of the heart. I hope Edith GOT OFF HER BACKSIDE TO DO SOMETHING FOR SPORT RELIEF even if she is up the duff.
From one of the West Ham United forums: "What's this rubbish Sport Relief? Alan Shearer grew a beard or something." "Alan Shearer grew a beard or something" sums up Sport Relief as well as anything, and is one of the best lines I've seen in print for some time.
Finally, this morning the Sport Relief fundraisers were out in force at the entrance of Sainsbury's. They were accompanied by a Sainsbury's employee chugging along on an exercise bike to This Old House by Shakin' Stevens. Unless this was BBC 3 filming a zany new sketch series.
Labels: Alan Shearer grew a beard or something, charidee, Shakin' Stevens
