Saturday, November 29, 2008


In recent years, the Christmas number one has been a foregone conclusion - it has to be whoever has just won the X-Factor.

However, this year there is going to be stiff competition from a charity record that's being recorded with an amazing array of talent.

A number of celebrity - sorry - CELEBRIDEE golfers are getting together to record a cover of a song. All of the profits will go to a charidee: to be specific, the Help A Snub Nosed Freckled Cockney Urchin charidee.

Everybody loves snub nosed cockney urchins, who are definitely cuter than old people or starving people in the developing world or wretchedly poor people whose homes have been lost due to floods or storms.  After all, we've all wanted to pinch the cheek of a cockney urchin at some time or other, haven't we?

Anyway, the combined celebs will leave you dazzled with their starry ways.  They are:

Jimmy Tarbuck: off to a tee

Iggy Pop: the world's forgotten boy

Ronnie Corbett: straight down the middle

Bing Crosby: what a dude!  Don't you wish golfers dressed like this ...

... rather than like this (Kenny Lynch)

Alice Cooper: he wants to be elected

Bruce Forsyth: wood on the fairway

... as I said, what an array of talent!  Bing, as you may have worked out for yourself, is going to croon from beyond the grave.  This hasn't been attempted since Nat King Cole recorded that duet with his daughter, but you can always rely on Bing, can't you?

Anyway, the collabo is going to be a new version of the Arctic Monkeys hit I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor.

It'll be called I Bet You Look Good On The Golf Course.

So open your purses and buy or download this when it's released next week and all your money will go towards putting a smile on the face of a cockney urchin.  That has to be worth shelling out for, doesn't it?

ALEX AND ALEXA - GET A ROOM! (Chosen headline on the London Lite gossip page approx. once every three weeks)

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One of my friends had a conceptual art rock band called Mashie Niblick.
The outcome of pinching the cheek of a cockney urchin always seems to depend on which cheek.

Anyway Betty you've made all this up, right? If it were true, Vernon Kay would be in it surely?
Keith Moon should be on the team. He was a 19th hole specialist.
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Bing Crosby: one day all wife-beaters will dress this way.
And next year it will be 'I Bet You Look Good on the Football Pitch' starring Tom Finney, Glen Hoddle, Robbie Williams and the lovely Kevin Keegan.

Proceeds to the Morecambe retirement homes for Lancashire pit ponies.
There's nothing to grab onto to pinch Iggy.
I just hope Iggy is going to have some undies on. The same applies to Brucie.
Tim - sounds as if they should be touring with British Sea Power.

Murph - HOW DARE YOU???? Everything that I post is completely true, and well researched. I'm dismayed to think that anyone would assume that I make things up! Vernon Kay is involved in promoting the Help A Freckled Bolton Urchin single

Garfer - I love Keith, but if he was on the team, nothing would get done. It would probably mean you'd have to get Ringo Starr involved, and it's probably best that he doesn't get back on the booze.

Kek - fair point. I don't think my parents would've accepted the fact that Bing was a wife-beater though. It just couldn't be possible, now, could it?

Kaz - are there any pit ponies still alive? Probably one or two very very old ones, rather like the last couple of blokes who were soldiers in the First World War.

MJ - these days he's got a slack belly. Mind you, pretty good going for his age.

Billy - I'm sure that Iggy turns up on the course wearing plus fours and with everything "safely gathered in" as they say at the harvest festival. Has Brucie ever gone commando?
Bruce is going commando RIGHT NOW in my living room. BAD BRUCE. Get off the furniture. He's a bad, bad boy, Bruce. And he has 'old balls' which makes chasing around on all fours on the carpet after a plush toy more than a little problematic. Thats my weekend all lined out, then!

yes I am running a rather high fever. why do you ask?
I think I'll wait till next year - I'd rather save a pit-pony.
FN - dear god, I feel sorry for you. I woke up early this morning in a state of fear, my heartbeat racing and feeling sick because I'd just dreamt that I hadn't returned five library books for about six months! For about a quarter of an hour after waking up, I was convinced that I really hadn't returned those library books ... and I'm not even running a fever.

Ziggi - are there still any pit ponies alive? I suppose you could contribute to a fund for their descendents if you were really determined to do so.
I think he used to tap his pipe out on the missus and kids, leaving them covered in a fine crumbly miasma of Dunmann's No. 3 Flake.

Forget Alice: I wouldn't mind a round with Alexa...

(Oh yes...)


Bird wrosstification: baciergo?

Kek - he used the same technique when he was playing the bells on the tree in White Christmas. Spooky.

Bob - bit on the skinny side, though, isn't she? Seems to be a bit of a cow as well - which doesn't bother most blokes, heh heh.
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