Thursday, February 09, 2012


Some pigs at a metaphorical trough yesterday

After shocking claims were made today about record levels of Feckless Workshy Families in Britain hitting an all time high of FIFTY SEVEN PER CENT of the population, prepare to fall into a state of permanent indignation when you see the results of the definitive survey of the disgusting material wealth and jetset glamorous lifestyles of Broken Britain's Something For Nothing spongers.

An exhaustive study of ALL of Britain's benefit claimants was carried out by H.M. Government in an effort to encourage transparency in society. Every item in their houses and every activity they had carried out in a two month timespan was carefully assessed by a Government intern who lived with the claimants day and night.

The results will make you feel nauseous or fall into convulsions. Subjects highlighted include:

* The man from Aberdeen who refused to sell a Box Brownie camera handed down to him by his "ald grandad" in his will in order to pay for a bus fare to attend a voluntary placement interview fifty miles away. His response? "They wanted me tae flog it on eBay" he shrugged. "I would nae."

* The couple who lived on Jobseeker's Allowance for TWELVE YEARS while funding a fantasy aspirational jetset lifestyle that involved holidaying in exclusive South American resorts, wearing fancy clothes and "hanging out with famous aspirational glamorous people such as Pete Tong, Raymond Blanc, Heidi Klum and that bloke who runs the Ministry Of Sound."

* The nineteen year old single mother of seven who managed to wheedle her way onto the front row of FIVE Paris Fashion Week shows before being carted off by security. "I thought it was a little curious" said fashion weirdo Karl Lagerfeld "that this rather wide hipped woman in a velour tracksuit was sitting next to the beautifully emaciated socialite daughter of Baroness Helga Of The Prussian Hinterland and Nicki Minaj but I assumed she was making a whimsical statement about the New Poverty."

* The sacked former art teacher who regularly attended and bid at Sotheby's auctions and who had acquired AN EARLY CARAVAGGIO PAINTING. "It's one of his early, Milanese works, so not one of his finest" claims the rice munching do gooder "but already you can see the tentative steps towards heavy sweeps of dark and light, the understanding of drama in the most seemingly ordinary of everyday human activities - it's exciting to see all that emerging."

* The Disability Benefit claiming wino who managed to visit vineyards throughout the world and fraternised with celebrity wine enthusiasts such as Mick Hucknall, Gerald Depardieu and Cliff Richard while being able to shell out for "some decent-ish vintages."

* The grandmother from Wales who asked for EXPENSES to pay for the repair of a broken mangle. "It's the only bit of enjoyment I get out of life - not having to wear damp clothes" she sighed before returning to a morning of hand washing.

The last of these was the one that sent Radio Four's John Humphrys "over the edge" in his own words.

"I grew up in a humble Welsh terraced house and we had to tread stones over our clothes to dry them every morning before heading up the mountain to put in a forty eight hour shift on the coal front. You didn't hear us moaning! Britain's workshy have had it too easy for too long and I intend to make another BBC documentary calling them out. Enough is enough!"

Watch this space!

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Sunday, June 26, 2011


Bono before his weekly address

On Friday night, U2's performance at Glastonbury was considered a triumph - proof indeed that many a good tune is played on an old fiddle.

Zane Lowe: half dead and killin' it

They were so life-enhancingly great that BBC continuity man Zane Lowe had to be treated by paramedics for what a spokesman calls "getting too over enthusiastic too soon in the weekend, even before Tame Impala were due to play". His colleague Jo Whiley immediately became pregnant for the eleventh time.

Jo Whiley: fertile

So it is with delight that I'm able to pass on a message from U2 frontman Bono. Now safe in his tax avoidance retreat - a turreted castle halfway up a Swiss alp - he delivered these Biblical lines:

"Deep within the primordial rock 'n' roll swamp the shadows move, acting out their shadowplay. Clarence Frogman Henry walks on water but croaks his last ... Jack Kerouac gets high on life and bangs to the beat of a different generation, on the road with Neal Cassady and the Sundance Kid. Elvis had his kiss curls and his lip curls and his hip swirls, sending the girls into raptures. Take a tour to the store, don't strain your brain.

The Pope speaks to me on Skype. He says "Hi Bono, what's happening on Planet Worthy Farm? Here am I, sitting in the Vatican, far above the moon. Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do".

Ian Curtis' arms wave in space semaphore signals. He's telling us ... he's telling us that the world has torn us apart again.

There's nothing we can do but orbit in our own space.

See yer!

Lots of love,
Bono xxx

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Friday, May 20, 2011


After weeks of crisis talks, an announcement has been made about the future of ITV's heavily criticised breakfast show Daybreak.

Since its launch last year, much has been said about the show's falling viewing figures.

Viewers have failed to warm to presenters Christine Bleakley and Adrian Chiles in the way that they have in the past with televisual giants such as Fiona Phillips, Andrew Castle and Anthea Turner.

It seems that ITV took a risk in choosing two presenters who didn't have bleached hair and - as has been pointed out many times - by allowing someone from the West Midlands to appear on TV before ten o'clock in the morning.

Chiles and Bleakley "weird, incoherent chemistry"

However, if viewers have been confused by the "outside the box" presence of Bleakley and Chiles on their screens, they will be even more confused by the announcement of the two new presenters who will take over from the pair in a few weeks - former West Ham United manager Avram Grant and BBC international correspondent Orla Guerin.

Grant and Guerin "sallow but somehow real"

The pair - not exactly known for their sparkling repartee or bubbly natures - have been chosen to "reflect the times we're living in" according to a source at ITV.

"People think that Daybreak viewers are just moronic breastfeeding nineteen year olds who can barely string a sentence together. Well - I've got news for them. Life is hard and then you die. When people switch on the telly first thing and see Avram and Orla staring back at them - that's how most people look first thing in the morning and that's how most people are - ashen faced, cadaverous and aware of the suffering around them. Most people don't give a fuck about Christian Louboutin shoeboots or Pippa Middleton's arse and it's about time that breakfast television started to represent THE PEOPLE."

The perky Daybreak set is to be replaced by eery shifting purple and crimson lighting and a montage of human bones rolling in the background. The main theme music will be a track from the first Swans album.

Adrian Chiles will be appearing as a judge on the next series of Ukraine's Got Talent.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011


The year: 1966. The place: Swinging London. The venue: a *gear* party in Kensington. Jim Dale flits among the *happening* party guests wearing a lavender paisley shirt and tie and black comedy sideburns. He is a Justin de Villeneuve type. The music soundtrack is Sexy Groovy Hammond Organ Vol 38.

Kenneth Connor is dressed like a 1920's film director. Bernard Bresslaw is wearing a flowery dress, a hat with feathers in, a curly wig and is carrying a hug tote bag. They are conversing.

Bernard (pointing at a young woman dancing in a white crocheted mini dress): "GORBLIMEY REG! LOOK AT THE KNOCKERS ON THAT DOLLY BIRD! I THINK I'LL ASK HER FOR THE NEXT DANCE!"

Kenneth, aka Reg, muttering angrily: "Sshhh, keep your voice daahhn! You'll give the game away! Do you want us to be booted ahht?"

Bernard: "Sorry Reg!"

Bernard (raising pitch of voice to womanish hysterical falsetto): "GORBLIMEY REG! LOOK AT THE KNOCKERS ON THAT DOLLY BIRD! I THINK I'LL ASK HER FOR THE NEXT DANCE!"

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