Betty's Utility Room

After shocking claims were made today about record levels of Feckless Workshy Families in Britain hitting an all time high of FIFTY SEVEN PER CENT of the population, prepare to fall into a state of permanent indignation when you see the results of the definitive survey of the disgusting material wealth and jetset glamorous lifestyles of Broken Britain's Something For Nothing spongers.

An exhaustive study of ALL of Britain's benefit claimants was carried out by H.M. Government in an effort to encourage transparency in society. Every item in their houses and every activity they had carried out in a two month timespan was carefully assessed by a Government intern who lived with the claimants day and night.

The results will make you feel nauseous or fall into convulsions. Subjects highlighted include:

* The man from Aberdeen who refused to sell a Box Brownie camera handed down to him by his "ald grandad" in his will in order to pay for a bus fare to attend a voluntary placement interview fifty miles away. His response? "They wanted me tae flog it on eBay" he shrugged. "I would nae."

* The couple who lived on Jobseeker's Allowance for TWELVE YEARS while funding a fantasy aspirational jetset lifestyle that involved holidaying in exclusive South American resorts, wearing fancy clothes and "hanging out with famous aspirational glamorous people such as Pete Tong, Raymond Blanc, Heidi Klum and that bloke who runs the Ministry Of Sound."

* The nineteen year old single mother of seven who managed to wheedle her way onto the front row of FIVE Paris Fashion Week shows before being carted off by security. "I thought it was a little curious" said fashion weirdo Karl Lagerfeld "that this rather wide hipped woman in a velour tracksuit was sitting next to the beautifully emaciated socialite daughter of Baroness Helga Of The Prussian Hinterland and Nicki Minaj but I assumed she was making a whimsical statement about the New Poverty."

* The sacked former art teacher who regularly attended and bid at Sotheby's auctions and who had acquired AN EARLY CARAVAGGIO PAINTING. "It's one of his early, Milanese works, so not one of his finest" claims the rice munching do gooder "but already you can see the tentative steps towards heavy sweeps of dark and light, the understanding of drama in the most seemingly ordinary of everyday human activities - it's exciting to see all that emerging."

* The Disability Benefit claiming wino who managed to visit vineyards throughout the world and fraternised with celebrity wine enthusiasts such as Mick Hucknall, Gerald Depardieu and Cliff Richard while being able to shell out for "some decent-ish vintages."

* The grandmother from Wales who asked for EXPENSES to pay for the repair of a broken mangle. "It's the only bit of enjoyment I get out of life - not having to wear damp clothes" she sighed before returning to a morning of hand washing.

The last of these was the one that sent Radio Four's John Humphrys "over the edge" in his own words.

"I grew up in a humble Welsh terraced house and we had to tread stones over our clothes to dry them every morning before heading up the mountain to put in a forty eight hour shift on the coal front. You didn't hear us moaning! Britain's workshy have had it too easy for too long and I intend to make another BBC documentary calling them out. Enough is enough!"

Watch this space!

Labels: Britain's Workshy, Broken Britain, John Humphries, the Squeezed Middle, transparency

On Friday night, U2's performance at Glastonbury was considered a triumph - proof indeed that many a good tune is played on an old fiddle.



They were so life-enhancingly great that BBC continuity man Zane Lowe had to be treated by paramedics for what a spokesman calls "getting too over enthusiastic too soon in the weekend, even before Tame Impala were due to play". His colleague Jo Whiley immediately became pregnant for the eleventh time.



So it is with delight that I'm able to pass on a message from U2 frontman Bono. Now safe in his tax avoidance retreat - a turreted castle halfway up a Swiss alp - he delivered these Biblical lines:

"Deep within the primordial rock 'n' roll swamp the shadows move, acting out their shadowplay. Clarence Frogman Henry walks on water but croaks his last ... Jack Kerouac gets high on life and bangs to the beat of a different generation, on the road with Neal Cassady and the Sundance Kid. Elvis had his kiss curls and his lip curls and his hip swirls, sending the girls into raptures. Take a tour to the store, don't strain your brain.

The Pope speaks to me on Skype. He says "Hi Bono, what's happening on Planet Worthy Farm? Here am I, sitting in the Vatican, far above the moon. Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do".

Ian Curtis' arms wave in space semaphore signals. He's telling us ... he's telling us that the world has torn us apart again.

There's nothing we can do but orbit in our own space.

See yer!

Lots of love,
Bono xxx

Labels: Bono, Elvis Presley, Glastonbury, Ian Curtis, Jo Whiley, over enthusiasm, Tame Impala, the Pope, U2, Zane Lowe - B Boy

After weeks of crisis talks, an announcement has been made about the future of ITV's heavily criticised breakfast show Daybreak.

Since its launch last year, much has been said about the show's falling viewing figures.

Labels: Avram Grant, cadavers, Daybreak, joy unconfined, misery, Orla Guerin, Swans, Ukraine's Got Talent, West Ham United

Labels: Bernard Bresslaw, Des O'Connor, Jim Dale, Kenneth Connor, Kensington, please don't have nightmares, Swinging London