Friday, March 20, 2009


Dad rocking dad Liam Gallagher has announced that he is going to start a clothes range, following in the footsteps of the likes of Puff PY PIE Diddy Daddy Doddy, Lily Allen and some other pop stars.

He has announced that he is "not into the skinny look.  That's what I'm here for, to get rid of them shoes that come at you like a snooker cue".

Liam may have a point, and may have tapped into the desires of the common man ... or woman.

Last weekend, I saw some pictures of Liam at the wedding reception of somebody or other.  The other guests included Sir Jimmy Savile, Bobby Davro, Frank Bruno and Sam Allardyce.  Liam was seen making a cross sign and giving the face off to a priest (I think he was having a laugh).  

Anyway, Liam was wearing what appeared to be fluffy leopard skin print moccasin slippers.

No spots on Our Kid

A couple of days later I saw some leopard skin moccasins in the women's shoe section at Primark.

A hotshot group of Primark movers and shakers must have had an emergency meeting at two o'clock on Monday morning to get their manufacturers to supply leopard skin moccasins FOR THE PEOPLE as soon as possible.  What Liam wears, the public wants.

All credit to them for getting the goods onto the shelves at lightning speed.

Presumably there are millions of women in South London who walk around with a rolling gait, feet at a ninety degree angle, ciggie between thumb and forefinger and a studied underbite, absolutely gagging at the thought of getting a four quid pair of mock leopard skin moccasins.

*nice one*

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009


When I first moved down to *The Smoke* I used to walk around the streets for hours.  In fact, even when I used to live in Backwards Staffordshire, I used to walk around for hours as a form of therapy and to kid myself into thinking that I was on a voyage of discovery.  

However, at least Backwards Staffordshire was more picturesque so I could walk on the outskirts of woods or around hills overlooking countryside.  The bit of South London I live in now is pretty dreary and devoid of character and some bits of it are slightly dodgy so ... I've given up walking around and started blogging as a form of therapy instead.  By rights, I should now weigh fifty stone.

One of my first voyages of discovery was to Netto in Cr*** L** (the name of the area has been hidden to protect the innocent).  

I'd just got a leaflet through the post proclaiming a sale at Netto, and it seemed like a whole new supermarket experience to me.

Netto seemed to exclusively sell products from the 1950's.  These included Goblin Meat Pudding, which I've never eaten:

and tins of pease pudding, which I've since tried, and is probably the most unpleasant foodstuff on the face of the earth.  Still, it seems to be liked by lovable Londoners, who also appreciate such culinary delights as jellied eels, pie, mash and liquor (I think it's some sort of green gravy), whelks, mussels and boiled beef.  This is pease pudding in its full glory:

Don't you think that the picture is very alluring?  I can see it on the side of a tin accompanied by the words "serving suggestion".

I imagined the meat counter at Netto would've displayed all those obscure but economical meat cuts that women in big tweed sack coats and headscarves would've asked for to put in a stew or a pie - best bit of back, brisket, gall bladder and cow hoof, that sort of thing.

So, the next day, in a state of high excitement, I headed off on the long pilgrimage to Netto in Cr*** L**.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find the entrance to the shop.  There were shutters on the front doors.  It must've been somewhere to the rear, but after several minutes of trying to walk around the back of the shop I couldn't locate it.  

Had I walked into another dimension, or was Netto just a mirage, a part of my fevered imagination? Was Netto REALLY from the 1950's, but had it been shut down and demolished in 1962 - had I seen a glimpse of a GHOSTLY NETTO???

I never found out, but I was very disappointed, having walked for about half an hour :(

Still, it seems I had a lucky escape.  A few weeks later, I was sat in a pub called The Y**** when a conversation took place at the next table.

Bloke no. 1:  "Have you ever seen that old dragon who works in Netto?"

Bloke no. 2:  "No."

Bloke no. 1:  "She goes around accusing people of switching the labels round on tins of food. 
She really shouted at me the other day and almost made me go up to the manager's office."

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Monday, March 09, 2009


Friday night is of course Comic Relief night.

It is also the night when the real King Of Comedy returns.

In parallel with the return of Michael Jackson, the King Of Pop, Norman Collier will be back on our screens to wipe the floor with the opposition.

Norman has a ten minute prime time slot on Relief which has the potential to reach a new generation who have become tired of modern comedy.

As Denise Welch said on Loose Women last week "Norman Collier is the funniest thing ever".

Too true. But ... will eighty three year old Norman be able to call the shots after being away for so long? We'll all find out on Friday night.

For anyone who is unfortunate enough to be too young to remember Norman, this is he:

I was having a conversation the other night in which it was suggested that Norman "has a chicken-like aspect" ...

This may explain why a large part of Norman's act consists of him impersonating a chicken. Indeed, the only other bit of his act is the bit where he pretends to have a faulty microphone.

Rest assured though, by the end of Norman's slot on Comic Relief, so-called modern *blue* comedians such as Russell Brand and Ricky Gervais will be blown out of the water and will just seem like a bad dream.

See you all there at 8.43 on Friday night.

As Norman would say, "I st l th Ki g, acc t no s bst tes, one two, one two".

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