Sunday, February 08, 2009
YER BLOOMIN' GENERATION
The discussion about censorship on TV that was kicked off by the Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand business drags on and on and on.
The Daily Mail clutches at straws in its efforts to get Jonathan Ross a long stretch in jail, which is wot he deserves after all.
Vic Reeves, apparently, says that Jonathan Ross is a bully (or at least The Daily Mail says that Vic Reeves says Jonathan Ross is a bully, although the interview accompanying the headline seems to suggest he said nothing of the sort). The Daily Mail tells us that Gwyneth Paltrow's second cousin's step dad's half sister admitted that Gwyneth was upset, stunned, mortified, confused and struck dumb when Jonathan Ross joked about wanting to have sex with her. Etcetera, etcetera.
More importantly, there was a very serious discussion about the subject that refuses to disappear on Alan Titchmarsh's chatshow the other day on ITV.
I caught the tail end of the show, unfortunately. The panel consisted of Jacqui Stephen (former, er, Daily Mail TV critic), Iaiaiaiain Leeeeee (in other words, that tall bloke who used to be on The Eleven O'Clock Show), and Kelvin Mackenzie (former Sun editor). A coven of has beens, in other words.
Iaiaiaiaian seemed to be the sole voice of reason - he was in the "if you don't like something you hear on the radio or see on TV, you can always switch it off" corner. Jacqui and Kelvin weren't having any of that.
Kelvin suggested that Jonathan Ross had been going Too Far for Too Long.
Kelvin Mackenzie climbing up onto the moral high ground, people.
This is the man who gave us the gloating "GOTCHA!" Sun front page headline when the Belgrano battleship was sunk by our boys in the Falklands War.
Sez Kelvin: "Jonathan Ross asked David Cameron if he had ever masturbated while thinking about Margaret Thatcher. Since he got away with that, he has thought that he can get away with anything ..."
...
...
"... that's probably the first time that anyone has used the word "masturbation" on this show."
To his credit, Alan T. kept his cool. This is a man whose affable Yorkshire demeanour has suggested that any written transcript of his speech has to include the use of the word "yer" instead of the word "your". Oh, and there's always an apostrophe at the endin' of any word that would normally have an "ing" at the end of it. I bet it was Alan who renamed Shaking Stevens Shakin' Stevens.
Ironically, he is also surely a source of masturbatory fantasy for the nice, elderly women who watch anything Alan Titchmarsh is in on the telly, but who can't stand that Jonathan Ross and his rudeness.
Alan Titchmarsh is the only man who can still invigorate these women. The fantasies they have about him dragging them into the potting shed or rolling around in some freshly raked over flower beds, the springy scent of the earth mingling in with Alan's fresh sweat ... well, these fantasies must be legion.
Alan is the only man preventing these women from having excruciating vaginal dryness.
"In case yer wonderin' what it means" sed Alan, "it's another word for chewin' vigorously."
Labels: Alan Titchmarsh, censorship, Jonathan Ross, mastication, nice elderly women
Thursday, October 30, 2008
"QUE?"
Confusion, chaos and agony is raging through Britain at the news that the BBC hasn't sacked anybody over the Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross business for a whole FORTY FIVE MINUTES.
The outrage has further been compelled by the fact that Jonathan Ross has been suspended without pay from the BBC for only TWELVE WEEKS.
Hah! The corrupt, vile Ross won't feel any loss from that will he - twelve weeks' pay??? That would only be enough to buy the vile Ross one of his infamous suits! One less suit in the Ross wardrobe - think about it! Hardly going to cause him any sort of pain or suffering, is it?
The outrage has been described as the most controversial incident involving a British media figure since John Lennon suggested that The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, or the time that Lance Percival implied that John Profumo had "a wandering willy" during a topical calypso on the outrageous 1960's satire show That Was The Week That Was.
Rabid Daily Mail readers have announced that they have organised a protest march which will take place in London and will end in a demonstration outside the BBC Television Centre. An estimated crowd of half a million Mail readers will wail and beat their chests like elderly peasant women at a funeral. They will rub hot ashes all over themselves. A pair of twenty foot papier mache effigies of Ross and Brand will be burned as people chant "skin the bastards".
There has been criticism from a rival group of Sun reading Ross/Brand haters, who say that the demo could cause confusion, what with the effigy burning. Some passers by may think that this is a part of Bonfire Night or Hallowe'en celebrations, and the power of the message will be lost, in the Sun readers' opinion.
An emergency BBC online questionnaire has been set up to determine exactly who should be sacked or suspended from shows next so that the BBC can be seen to "be doing the right thing" and to be answerable to its "customers". So far, the most popular choices to be given the boot are Jo Brand (because she has the same surname as Russell Brand), Sir Bill Cotton (deceased), newsreader Huw Edwards, disc jockeys Edith Bowman, Rob "Da" Bank and Sir Terry Wogan, and weatherman Daniel Corbett.
Labels: BBC, Jonathan Ross, Lance Percival, Russell Brand, Sir Bill Cotton
