Sunday, February 08, 2009


The discussion about censorship on TV that was kicked off by the Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand business drags on and on and on.  

The Daily Mail clutches at straws in its efforts to get Jonathan Ross a long stretch in jail, which is wot he deserves after all.  

Vic Reeves, apparently, says that Jonathan Ross is a bully (or at least The Daily Mail says that Vic Reeves says Jonathan Ross is a bully, although the interview accompanying the headline seems to suggest he said nothing of the sort).  The Daily Mail tells us that Gwyneth Paltrow's second cousin's step dad's half sister admitted that Gwyneth was upset, stunned, mortified, confused and struck dumb when Jonathan Ross joked about wanting to have sex with her. Etcetera, etcetera.

More importantly, there was a very serious discussion about the subject that refuses to disappear on Alan Titchmarsh's chatshow the other day on ITV.

I caught the tail end of the show, unfortunately.  The panel consisted of Jacqui Stephen (former, er, Daily Mail TV critic), Iaiaiaiain Leeeeee (in other words, that tall bloke who used to be on The Eleven O'Clock Show), and Kelvin Mackenzie (former Sun editor).  A coven of has beens, in other words.

Iaiaiaiaian seemed to be the sole voice of reason - he was in the "if you don't like something you hear on the radio or see on TV, you can always switch it off" corner.  Jacqui and Kelvin weren't having any of that.

Kelvin suggested that Jonathan Ross had been going Too Far for Too Long.

Kelvin Mackenzie climbing up onto the moral high ground, people.

This is the man who gave us the gloating "GOTCHA!" Sun front page headline when the Belgrano battleship was sunk by our boys in the Falklands War.

Sez Kelvin: "Jonathan Ross asked David Cameron if he had ever masturbated while thinking about Margaret Thatcher.  Since he got away with that, he has thought that he can get away with anything ..."



"... that's probably the first time that anyone has used the word "masturbation" on this show."

To his credit, Alan T. kept his cool.  This is a man whose affable Yorkshire demeanour has suggested that any written transcript of his speech has to include the use of the word "yer" instead of the word "your".  Oh, and there's always an apostrophe at the endin' of any word that would normally have an "ing" at the end of it.  I bet it was Alan who renamed Shaking Stevens Shakin' Stevens.  

Ironically,  he is also surely a source of masturbatory fantasy for the nice, elderly women who watch anything Alan Titchmarsh is in on the telly, but who can't stand that Jonathan Ross and his rudeness.

Alan Titchmarsh is the only man who can still invigorate these women.  The fantasies they have about him dragging them into the potting shed or rolling around in some freshly raked over flower beds, the springy scent of the earth mingling in with Alan's fresh sweat ... well, these fantasies must be legion.  

Alan is the only man preventing these women from having excruciating vaginal dryness.

"In case yer wonderin' what it means" sed Alan, "it's another word for chewin' vigorously."

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Titchmarsh's voice makes me cringe.

He needs burying beneath a herbaceous boreder, preferably with Charlie (old blokes masturbatory aid) Dimmock on top of him.
I'd rather have elderly women masturbating over Titchmarsh rather then Kelvin McKenzie.

Alan is the only man preventing these women from having excruciating vaginal dryness.

Goodness me! Please, please don't let this happen to me. I'd rather play with a tin of kippers.
They're all wankers includin' little Titch.

Reminded me of a cutting on last week's News Quiz from a notice in a Sperm Donor Clinic. "On arrival please ask for Mr Handcock".
Show us a real man like Bill Werbeniuk.
Garfer - at least dead Dimmock would be able to take advantage of his rigor mortis, ahem. What a way to go into the afterlife, eh?

Billy - I'd rather see a group of elderly women throwing stones at Kelvin Mackenzie.

Scarlet - I read some doctors' advice to post-menopausal women in a news report a few years ago. Apparently, they should *keep their hand in*, as it were, for health and, er, lubrication purposes. Then I read a Germaine Greer book in which she objected to this report! Oh well.

Rog - that's not a nice way to talk about Titch from Titch and Quackers. If they seemed a bit naff, it was all down to Ray Alan. As for the other bit - a pint? That's almost an armful.

MJ - Bill Weberniuk isn't a Yorkshireman though. All Yorkshiremen are REAL MEN.
Sorry Betty - this is the second time I've tried to write a comment about Alan Tit - but I can't concentrate because I keep looking at that Morrissey pic below. I find it very erotic - but not necessarily in a good way.
Sorry again.
Shoot me if I ever start fantasising about Alan Titchmarsh. Or God forbid, Jonathan Ross. JR hasn't been funny since about 1986 on The Last Resort has he? His attempts to 'get down with the kids' by endless and inane profanity is pathetic. If that's his idea of humour, he's well past his sell-by. I cannot believe the BBC are wasting OUR licence money on yet another obscene-ly large contract for the jerk, when there are so many lesser known (but more talented) presenters out there who deserve a chance. Mind you I hear his Xmas book bombed (hurrah!)
Kaz - I keep wondering how they managed to keep those records on the end of their er ... unless they were superimposed. I hope they were, because they might have suffered all kinds of injury otherwise.

Laura - I suppose the BBC views Jonathan Ross as being cutting edge but establishment at the same time. As most mainstream TV is dominated by reality or makeover shows, perhaps the Beeb think he's the last vanguard of old style light entertainment that's acceptable to a big audience, which is why they pay him so much. I don't think they'll be taking a chance on young presenters for some years (apart from the likes of Fearne Cotton, gawd preserve us).
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