Thursday, October 30, 2008


Confusion, chaos and agony is raging through Britain at the news that the BBC hasn't sacked anybody over the Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross business for a whole FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

The outrage has further been compelled by the fact that Jonathan Ross has been suspended without pay from the BBC for only TWELVE WEEKS.

Hah!  The corrupt, vile Ross won't feel any loss from that will he - twelve weeks' pay???  That would only be enough to buy the vile Ross one of his infamous suits!  One less suit in the Ross wardrobe - think about it!  Hardly going to cause him any sort of pain or suffering, is it?

The outrage has been described as the most controversial incident involving a British media figure since John Lennon suggested that The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, or the time that Lance Percival implied that John Profumo had "a wandering willy" during a topical calypso on the outrageous 1960's satire show That Was The Week That Was.

Rabid Daily Mail readers have announced that they have organised a protest march which will take place in London and will end in a demonstration outside the BBC Television Centre.  An estimated crowd of half a million Mail readers will wail and beat their chests like elderly peasant women at a funeral.  They will rub hot ashes all over themselves.  A pair of twenty foot papier mache effigies of Ross and Brand will be burned as people chant "skin the bastards".  

There has been criticism from a rival group of Sun reading Ross/Brand haters, who say that the demo could cause confusion, what with the effigy burning.  Some passers by may think that this is a part of Bonfire Night or Hallowe'en celebrations, and the power of the message will be lost, in the Sun readers' opinion.

An emergency BBC online questionnaire has been set up to determine exactly who should be sacked or suspended from shows next so that the BBC can be seen to "be doing the right thing" and to be answerable to its "customers".  So far, the most popular choices to be given the boot are Jo Brand (because she has the same surname as Russell Brand), Sir Bill Cotton (deceased), newsreader Huw Edwards, disc jockeys Edith Bowman, Rob "Da" Bank and Sir Terry Wogan, and weatherman Daniel Corbett.

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They can't sack Corbett, he's a puppet!

You can see the strings if you have a hi def telly.
Does anyone remember the Daily Mail complaining about the "so-called racism" in Celebrity Big Brother asking where was the real news? Because why don't they say that now.

As twattish as Messrs Ross and Brand are - I can't agree the Mail on anything. Out of principle?
There's no need to sack anyone. Mr Brand should be made to visit a gentleman's barber; that should shut him up. Mr Ross should be made to host a new series of 'Crackerjack!'. Ditto.
The poor lad looks as if he is torn between trying to look like Axel Rose and Robert Smith.

So let me get this straight. The Beeb pays him an outrageous sum of money to be edgy and to attract a young audience with zero disposable income, so he shags Manuel's grand-daughter, who is a stripper, and he then rings Manuel up to rudely rub his nose in it?

Then the Beeb airs it two days later instead of canning it?

So much for trying to be edgy? I hope that you enjoy all of those old Goon Show re-runs.
Was this Manuel's grandaughter-shagging incident pre or post sex addiction clinic?
Everyone at the Beeb has bent over backwards to accommodate this enormous pair of egos. And sometimes forwards.

I was sympathetic towards the satanic grandaughter until she called in Max bleeding Clifford.
I saw an interview with Andrew Sachs wearing a red roll-neck. It didn't suit him at all. He looked like he had a very angry & inflamed foreskin around his neck.
Oh, and his grand-daughter looked like a trollop. I would have thought Max Clifford would have her dress more demurely to garner the nations sympathy?
Garfer - I like Corbett. I may even do a post in the style of Daniel Corbett at one point (a nation holds its bated breath - I don't think).

Billy - you have a point about the Mail's response to the Shilpa Shetty business. It's a really obvious thing to hate the Mail, but it really is a sanctimonious shitrag, so I'm proud to be obvious.

Arabella - I always assumed that Russell Brand wore an Amy Winehouse-style hairpiece! The suggestion for *Wossy* is perfect ... "It's Fwyday, it's five o'clock and it's time for ... CWACKERJACK!!"

Mr Donn Donn Donn Coppens - the BBC has always attempted to seem cutting edge by getting outrageous young presenters like Jonathan Ross (age - 47) onto mainstream telly and radio. It's not often that the organisation has to respond to complaints on a big scale but, rather like the Labour Party, they always seem to make a pigs' ear of dealing with the problem.

MJ - it happened two years ago. I'm sure that Russell has put his shagging-dominatrixes days behind him now and lives a frugal and virtuous life. Is "dominatrixes" the correct plural of dominatrix? If anyone would know that, it would be MJ ...

Roger - you have a point actually. Apparently the mess came about because Russell Brand decided for no apparent reason to sack a number of his staff on the show and the hasty replacement was a young producer who was working on 6 Music. Being overworked and inexperienced, it's not surprising that something like this happened. Well, that's what I read at Holy Moly (... of all places).

Inexplicabewl - reminds me of a Des O'Connor Christmas album I saw in Woolworths in the 1970's. He was wearing a red roll neck and appeared to have the 'flu. His face looked like a beef tomato. As for Andrew's grand daughter - I'm sure I read something in which she was mouthing off about how Russell Brand was useless in bed. Fun how women who do "kiss and tells" always say that the bloke was useless in bed. Never say "oh, he was extraordinary, I was screaming and hanging off chandaliers for three days" do they? Hmm ...
I have no comment to offer on the whole torrid affair other than to say that based on my recollection of A Level Maths, I think the plural of Dominatrix should be Dominatrices.
The plural of Dominatrix is "a bevy of bitches".
Del - A Level Maths. Ugh. The thought of that induces a panic attack. Shouldn't it be Dominatrixi?

MJ - a bitches brew, perhaps?
The thing that pisses me off is

(a) if it was deemed to be that offensive then why was it let out in the first place seeing as it was a pre-record? That's the point of a pre-record - doh!

(b) how shockingly provincial the head of BBC2 looks

(c) why didn't anyone listen to the (bless him) 25 yr old researcher that orig flagged it up in the first place?

(d) why has Russell Brand had to take the blame? (even though his gummy smile makes my flesh creep).

(e) Satanic Slut should know better and keep her trap and legs shut quite frankly

(f) does it now mean that all we are left with is Sarah Kennedy and Chris Evans?

(g) approx 99% of the complaints were by people that hadn't actually watched or heard an excerpt of the offensive episode.

I can't think of any more - I think it is an outrage that this has over-shadowed the fact that there are many other pressing issues going on at the moment like is Oighieieighn Prigg actually going to win X Factor and whether Danni Minogue is really a man? Stuff like that. Oh - and the fact that while I have been writing this - 250,000 COngolese adults and children are starving and have no home....I hate the Daily Mail.

*applauds rockmother*

got to love that the situation in the congo is filed under "in other news.."

and what's going to happen to the Um Bongo factory? that's what i'd like to know.
RoMo - *also applauds*. That just about rounds everything up. I think Russell Brand has gone because he's got other irons in the fire and some sort of burgeoning career in America, whereas Jonathan Ross is tied to the BBC in a gazillion pound contract. It's hilarious that all of the complaints started to pour in a whole week after the podcast was first aired because of the frenzy whipped up by newspapers. I love the way that people who have dubious moral standards themselves tend to be the first to climb up on to the moral high ground, don't you? As you said, most of them haven't even heard the broadcast (same applies to most of the people who complained about Chris Morris, I suppose).

Surly - the upside of the war in the Congo is that a new factory is being built in Dagenham to produce Um Bongo, thus helping British people in these dark, credit crunch times ...

(note to any passing Daily Mail readers - that was a *JOKE*)
"Rabid Daily Mail readers" - I wasn't aware there was any other kind...
Ben - there are the rabid, the confused, the housebound and the undead.
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