Friday, August 29, 2008
SONG FOR RUTH ELLIS
Sir Bill with Croft and Perry (left - bow tie by Moschino, monkey suit model's own)
In my absence there doesn't seem to have been much fuss made on the internet about the death of one of the behemoths of light entertainment - Sir Bill Cotton. So here is a rather late obituary.
Sir Bill used to be known as Billy Cotton Junior well into his fifties, which must have been a source of frustration, especially as he was the son of Billy Cotton who basically WAS the bits of the BBC that weren't Richard Dimbleby.
Billy Jr. MADE HIS OWN WAY THROUGH SHEER HARD GRAFT AND TALENT despite his famous dad (of "Wakey Wakey!" fame), rather like Peaches Geldorrrrrf, who has landed a job at a New York magazine because she has MADE HER OWN WAY THROUGH SHEER HARD GRAFT AND TALENT despite her famous dad Sir Lord King Emperor Pete Briquette (the short one) out of the Boomtown Rats. I hope the two met before he died: they would have had so much in common and Sir Bill could have imparted some valuable words of wisdom to Peaches before she left to conquer America.
Bill, born in 1928, was a BBC light entertainment producer in the 1950's and worked his way up to become Head Of Light Entertainment during what has turned out to be a golden era at the BBC. He presided over such shows as Bruce Forsyth Presents: The Boy Bruce And The Mighty Atom, Do Not Adjust Your Set, The Tim Brooke Taylor Experiment, That Sketch With John Cleese, Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker, Do You Want Me To Repeat That Again?, Bruce Forsyth Presents: War Of The Worlds and I Think Marty Feldman Is A Bit Overrated, Actually, Although That Thing Where He's Playing Golf On Top Of A Train Is Fairly Funny I Suppose.
Due to SHEER HARD GRAFT AND TALENT he eventually got The Big Job - as BBC Fat Controller.
He wasn't a man to mince his words, and had many a run in with top BBC celebrities. Of Terry Wogan he once said "don't be taken in by the easy Irish charm. That cunt insists that his wigs get ferried about in limos at the licence payer's expense. I mean, fuck me! The man's a freak of nature!" He claimed that Clive Dunn "went through the girls who danced with the Young Generation like a dose of salts, the cheeky bugger. He was always up the clap clinic."
The last comment seems a little hypocritical in light of the fact that Sir Bill once had an on/off fling with that voluptuous ginger piece from variety dance troupe the Television Toppers. She eventually left him after *finding happiness* with the creepy George Mitchell, uberlord of the Black And White Minstrels.
Sir Bill leaves a longstanding wife - Kate - and is actually vaguely related to dynamic and charismatic TV presenter Fearne Cotton, so I can't make a feeble joke about her having made her way in the cut throat entertainment industry through SHEER HARD GRAFT AND TALENT and not because her granddad is Sir Bill Cotton.
Tributes were paid by Bruce Forsyth, who claimed that Sir Bill was "the consumate professional, a great golfer, and a warm, passionate man. They broke the mould the day they made him, believe me." Ronnie Corbett described him as "a great golfer who was great fun on the golf course" and Danny La Rue said "I'm distraught ... a light has gone out in all our lives. Not since Arthur Askey died have I felt so bereft. Look up to the sky tonight and you'll be able to see Bill's star twinkling back at you. Not 'arf, mate!! Wotcha!!!"
Rest in pieces, big man.
Labels: BBC, Billy Cotton Band Show, Bruce Forsyth, money goes to money, nepotism, obituaries, Peaches Geldorrrrrf, Ronnie Corbett, sheer hard graft and talent, wakey wakey
Monday, August 04, 2008
CARTROUBLE, PART TWO
Portia Von Trapp (pictured above in an American Vogue fashion spread) is THE woman of the moment. She has been described in her modelling portfolio as "the most beautiful woman of her generation - accessible but edgy, with an appeal which will extend beyond fashion and will rock the entire world to its very foundations."The twenty year old - who is definitely NOT a socialite or a rich, stupid cunt on a trust fund with the right connections - has been raved about by all the fashion mags, gossip columns and broadsheets.
She has appeared on the catwalks, in numerous fashion shoots, and has become a muse to Karl Lagerfeld, who froths "she is ... the epitome of modern woman, a new beauty who has the discipline of not eating. She has the narrowest hips I have ever seen on a woman. She is very nearly the most beautiful woman who has ever lived."
However, the heiress to the Von Trapp Bavarian cheese empire claims that she would rather be known for her real talent - as a sculptress.
"My sculptures have been on show in a couple of galleries in London, and I'm sure that, like, if I wasn't known for being a model I would've got more recognition for them. That's what drives me though.
I adore working. Only last week I put in three hours overseeing the design of some printed pillowcases for Liberty. I was really, like, out of the zone. It was absolutely gruelling, and I almost felt as if I was losing my mind a couple of times, but I felt this kind of sense of achievement afterwards.
My mind's always on the go! I've also got this capsule range of hair slides available at Harrods. They start at £85 because I'm mindful of the fact that ordinary people wouldn't be able to buy one of my sculptures, but it's still a way for them to sort of have a part of me.
I love ordinary people. Only this morning I saw this sort of Bulgariany peasant woman begging in the street, and I really empathised with her. Like, she's hungry, and I know how that feels because I have to go without food during fashion campaigns."
Portia is currently dating hot new rock star Charlie Fitzgibbon of The Auditors.
"It's a fun thing with Charlie and we shag a lot and take coke together and that sort of thing, but I'm getting a bit older now and there's a very narrow shelf life for a model. Lately I've had this real desire to sort of get married soon and have about six children. That's real fulfilment for a woman - being a mother, I've come to realise. I really want to live the dream and have a big pile in the country and just settle down with the kids and just do valuable work as a mother for a few years - with four or five nannies on hand of course.
Thing is, I can't really afford to do that yet so I'm hoping to marry a top pop star or actor. Somebody like one of Coldplay, perhaps, or Orlando Bloom. I've sent these people my portfolio, so we'll have to see what happens. Fingers crossed!
When I get to my thirties and my tits have dropped and my husband has traded me in for one of the teenaged nannies I might do what mummy did and open a boutique and design a capsule clothes range. That would be sooo challenging, but I'd get a real sense of achievement from it.
I've always liked tea dresses."
Labels: class war, hairslides, modelling, money goes to money, Orlando Bloom, thick rich bastards
Thursday, July 31, 2008
CARTROUBLE, PART ONE
Dive complained in a comment on a recent post on here that he didn't know much about current popular music because he is old. I'm nearly as old as him, and don't know very much about current popular music either. What I do know about it is a bit random. There comes a point in your life when it seems a bit unseemly to be "up" on, I dunno, bassline house, or whatever happens to be fashionable this week. That age is probably about 25.
Still, in an effort to keep up with what is out there, I've been scouring the style magazines to find out who are THE top band of the moment, and who you'll all be talking about in a year's time. Even though you're of pensionable age, you'll be able to say "oh, I heard of them ages ago!" You'll be able to thank me.
That band is ... THE AUDITORS.
The Auditors are a band who've been described by Harper's Bazaar as "the missing link between The Kinks, Big Bill Broonzy and Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Ting Tang Bing Bang Bong". All of the style mags, broadsheets and gossip columns are mad about them.
The five members of the band - vocalist Charlie Fitzgibbon, guitarist Gerhard Von Trapp, bassist Pierre Le Pierrot, keyboard player Prince Alexander VIII of Moldavia and drummer Hugo Jeremiahs - met at a Swiss finishing school.
Three of them have modelled part time, and are definitely NOT socialites or rich, stupid cunts on trust funds with the right connections.
Karl Lagerfeld has raved about singer Charlie (third from the top in the picture), saying "he is ... the epitome of beautiful modern man who has the discipline of not eating. He has the narrowest hips I have ever seen on a man. This is the evolution towards the perfect man - he is in fact very nearly the perfect man."
This is what Charlie has to say, as culled from an interview in the Evening Standard colour supplement:
"Gerhard and I thought it would be rather fun to form a pop group when we left school. Daddy has good connections in the gramaphone industry so we got a record deal in, like, a couple of weeks, and this huge advance. Mummy has this huge sort of record collection so we were sifting through all these kind of vinyl records by these amazing sixties bands such as The Tourists and Tears For Fears, which is where we got the ideas for our sound. We learned to play our instruments in a couple of weeks, which was a bit tedious, but, as daddy said, probably necessary.
We did a short tour and stuff, supporting Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Ting Tang Bing Bang Bong. To be honest, it's already becoming a bit of a bore, and we've been told we may have to go into the studio to record something or other. I'd much prefer to, like, hang out with Kelly Osborne or Peaches Geldof and those sort of edgy streetwise kooky people, or to go to some hot underground club like Bungalow 8, or get sent free designer clothes or cocaine. Those sorts of things are rather fun and make all the graft worthwhile.
Still, I've enjoyed all the attention and doing the fashion shoots for Vogue and the Telegraph has been rather fun. After all ... duh! Who goes to India in their gap year any more?
We've been going for a few months, but I'm not bothered if we become popular or not. My uncle has got a job high up the Diplomatic Service lined up for me in September.
That should be rather fun!"
Charlie is currently dating supermodel and sculptress Portia Von Trapp, sister of the band's guitarist Gerhard. I will be telling you all about her in the next post.
Labels: class war, Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Ting Tang Bing Bang Bong, modelling, money goes to money, thick rich bastards
