Monday, August 04, 2008


Portia Von Trapp (pictured above in an American Vogue fashion spread) is THE woman of the moment.  She has been described in her modelling portfolio as "the most beautiful woman of her generation - accessible but edgy, with an appeal which will extend beyond fashion and will rock the entire world to its very foundations."

The twenty year old - who is definitely NOT a socialite or a rich, stupid cunt on a trust fund with the right connections - has been raved about by all the fashion mags, gossip columns and broadsheets.

She has appeared on the catwalks, in numerous fashion shoots, and has become a muse to Karl Lagerfeld, who froths "she is ... the epitome of modern woman, a new beauty who has the discipline of not eating.  She has the narrowest hips I have ever seen on a woman.  She is very nearly the most beautiful woman who has ever lived."

However, the heiress to the Von Trapp Bavarian cheese empire claims that she would rather be known for her real talent - as a sculptress.

"My sculptures have been on show in a couple of galleries in London, and I'm sure that, like, if I wasn't known for being a model I would've got more recognition for them.  That's what drives me though.  

I adore working.  Only last week I put in three hours overseeing the design of some printed pillowcases for Liberty.  I was really, like, out of the zone.  It was absolutely gruelling, and I almost felt as if I was losing my mind a couple of times, but I felt this kind of sense of achievement afterwards.

My mind's always on the go!  I've also got this capsule range of hair slides available at Harrods.  They start at £85 because I'm mindful of the fact that ordinary people wouldn't be able to buy one of my sculptures, but it's still a way for them to sort of have a part of me.

I love ordinary people.  Only this morning I saw this sort of Bulgariany peasant woman begging in the street, and I really empathised with her.  Like, she's hungry, and I know how that feels because I have to go without food during fashion campaigns."

Portia is currently dating hot new rock star Charlie Fitzgibbon of The Auditors.

"It's a fun thing with Charlie and we shag a lot and take coke together and that sort of thing, but I'm getting a bit older now and there's a very narrow shelf life for a model.  Lately I've had this real desire to sort of get married soon and have about six children.  That's real fulfilment for a woman - being a mother, I've come to realise.  I really want to live the dream and have a big pile in the country and just settle down with the kids and just do valuable work as a mother for a few years - with four or five nannies on hand of course.

Thing is, I can't really afford to do that yet so I'm hoping to marry a top pop star or actor.  Somebody like one of Coldplay, perhaps, or Orlando Bloom.  I've sent these people my portfolio, so we'll have to see what happens.  Fingers crossed!

When I get to my thirties and my tits have dropped and my husband has traded me in for one of the teenaged nannies I might do what mummy did and open a boutique and design a capsule clothes range.  That would be sooo challenging, but I'd get a real sense of achievement from it.

I've always liked tea dresses."

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Does she work with cheese as her medium?
MJ - I don't think so, but she works under the influence of cocaine. Wouldn't those cheese sculptures go mouldy and smell awful in a short amount of time?
Fuck me ... yet ANOTHER tumbleweed post. Dunno if I can be bothered to face the complete indifference anymore ...
Don't worry Betty - it's August and people are either on holiday or feeling miserable because they're not. I was washing my hair; it's 106 degrees here (42c), so not much point doing that even, really.
I was washing my hair Betty.
I was in the bath (and washing my hair)
I am in the bath and washing my hair, but still prepared to risk death by electrocution if it will cheer you up?
Did you use this post to reveal to us your true thoughts and aspirations?

You did didn't you.

Good luck with Orlando.
I'm washing my hare.
Arabella - it's something like (18c) over here, so that too makes you feel as if there's not much point in doing anything. I washed my hair this morning. What else to do now? *starts sobbing*

Murph - I think you mean fur ...

Ziggi - what? You have all over body hair? Must take an age to dry.

Beth - death by electrocution in the bath is a good way to go. Remember that singer Claude Francois? Don't worry: nobody else does. Just me. I'm strange like that.

Kaz - thanks for reading the post, and for noticing my game plan. I'm starting to worry about hiding the lobotomy scar (will a fringe do?) and I've stopped eating. It'll all help me to find a thick but rich celebrity husband, with any luck.

Boz - is it a pet or are you preparing your lunch? A bit extravagant, isn't it?
I was laundering my money.

Portia is a little plump and swarthy for my tastes.
Garfer - I don't think you were laundering money. Judging by your declared tastes in women, you were probably hanging around a mortuary.
I was frightened away by that picture *peeks through fingers* Is it gone yet?

Terry Wogan's undercarriage, Portia's skeletal scariness, I don't know, it's a risky edgy world in Betty's Utility Room...
Annie - if you think this is a risky edgy world then you should see our living room ...
You've rumbled me Betty.

All necrophiliacs like to catch 'em warm. Rigour mortis is such a turn off.
Garfer, I know a long and elaborate joke about male corpses with rigor mortis that ends with the line "... I must've given him a blood transfusion!" but I won't bother to repeat it in case any sensitive people are reading.
Sorry I'm late - I was playing with Mark Corrigan's tiny Chinese dragon.
Fathorse - I've not watched the Peep Show, but at least that's a more interesting excuse. Anyway, as you've apparently had all your hair cut off, you can't really say you were shampooing it as there's not any left to shampoo!
Surely, that last line should read: "I've always liked tea dances."
LOL garfer. :)

That girl looks like the ghoul that Tim Burton rejected for the role of Sally. But at least her look is 'interesting'. Unlike the things that come out of her mouth.
As always the question has to be, if it was just me and her left on a desert island, would I shag her?
Kek - you could probably wear tea dresses at tea dances. I should imagine a lot of the rich kiddies are really pining for the return of debs balls. A much easier way to find a suitable husband than having to become a model.

Chosha - the thing that is coming out of her mouth is either a cockroach or is a wart on a stalk. Either way, I don't really want to know any further details.

Tom - hmm. would the fact that the "laydee" in the picture may not be a laydee influence your decision or not? Hmm ...

Fathorse - was gibt's?
That's not Portia Von Slap(per) that's our very own Bob Swipe! Have you seen him lately - it is him I tell you!
You should come round mine where every post is a tumbleweed post!

It's only creepy because it's true. We should start some sort of movement against this sort of self perpetuating plutocracy. Some sort of political representation for workers. We could call it the "Labour Party".

Nah, it'd never catch on...
"Omelette From Outer Space"?

Must have been one of Adam's earlier demos.
RoMo - has Swipe been on the Amy Winehouse diet then? The modelling work must be piling in.

Del - I know, I keep complaining about tumbleweed posts but actually never get around to other people's blogs to comment. I really am up my own arse. I'm getting a bit fed up of reading about celebs' children swanning around pretending to be 'models" and 'actors' and appearing in the gossip columns or interviews talking about their valuable contributions to society and their hard work etc., etc. Come the revolution they will be forced to work in the mills and coalmines, I tell you. No more Kelly Osbourne, no more Jaime Winstone, no more Alfie Allen when Old Labour is in power, I tell you!

Istvanski - it's a demo that's a extra track on the Kings Of The Wild Frontier CD! It ended up being called Ants Invasion. Blimey, I do like to be unnecessarily obscure.
I do quite fancy Kelly Osbourne though. Am I to be sent to the mill as well?
Del - heh heh, only if your dad's Keith Allen.
...see, you all laughed at my haggard old peroxide cunt look....

I *knew* it would catch on...

...You'll find there's more chance of me reading the snide comments if you post them in my comments btw...

(...although, admittedly, no one else will...)

what is this thing, "was gibt's"?

(I was replying to Tom909. No, absolutely no.)
Bob - well, I can't be sure, but I probably had the haggard peroxided old cunt look before you, then I had the surgery and got the personal trainer and now I look about twenty eight on a good day. It hasn't caught on. As for the snide comments, well, women always talk about people behind their backs, don't they?

Fathorse - I thought you were replying to Tom but I couldn't be sure, and I didn't want to seem rude. The "was gibt's" thing is German - my German teacher at school informed us that it was a fashionable expression among the German youth, and means "what gives?". Sounds like beatnik slang to me. Hep cat daddio.
Jeez, if the last girl on the desert island was a man..... oh my! Well, 'Broke back mountain, and all that - I can't imagine it, or I'd rather not, but who knows!
Tom - don't know if the lack of access to shaving razors on a desert island would make a difference ...
"As for the snide comments, well, women always talk about people behind their backs, don't they?"

So my hunch was right then - Istvanski *IS* a bird...?

(That would explain the cock obsession, I guess...)

Did you know he's started stalking me too?

Girls with really narrow hips are soooo sexy!
Mick - worro Mick, you are fucking bonkers!
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