Thursday, July 31, 2008


Dive complained in a comment on a recent post on here that he didn't know much about current popular music because he is old.  I'm nearly as old as him, and don't know very much about current popular music either.  What I do know about it is a bit random.  

There comes a point in your life when it seems a bit unseemly to be "up" on, I dunno, bassline house, or whatever happens to be fashionable this week.  That age is probably about 25.

Still, in an effort to keep up with what is out there, I've been scouring the style magazines to find out who are THE top band of the moment, and who you'll all be talking about in a year's time.  Even though you're of pensionable age, you'll be able to say "oh, I heard of them ages ago!"  You'll be able to thank me.

That band is ... THE AUDITORS.

The Auditors are a band who've been described by Harper's Bazaar as "the missing link between The Kinks, Big Bill Broonzy and Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Ting Tang Bing Bang Bong".  All of the style mags, broadsheets and gossip columns are mad about them.

The five members of the band - vocalist Charlie Fitzgibbon, guitarist Gerhard Von Trapp, bassist Pierre Le Pierrot, keyboard player Prince Alexander VIII of Moldavia and drummer Hugo Jeremiahs - met at a Swiss finishing school.

Three of them have modelled part time, and are definitely NOT socialites or rich, stupid cunts on trust funds with the right connections.  

Karl Lagerfeld has raved about singer Charlie (third from the top in the picture), saying "he is ... the epitome of beautiful modern man who has the discipline of not eating.  He has the narrowest hips I have ever seen on a man.  This is the evolution towards the perfect man - he is in fact very nearly the perfect man."

This is what Charlie has to say, as culled from an interview in the Evening Standard colour supplement:

"Gerhard and I thought it would be rather fun to form a pop group when we left school.  Daddy has good connections in the gramaphone industry so we got a record deal in, like, a couple of weeks, and this huge advance.  Mummy has this huge sort of record collection so we were sifting through all these kind of vinyl records by these amazing sixties bands such as The Tourists and Tears For Fears, which is where we got the ideas for our sound.   We learned to play our instruments in a couple of weeks, which was a bit tedious, but, as daddy said, probably necessary.

We did a short tour and stuff, supporting Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Ting Tang Bing Bang Bong.  To be honest, it's already becoming a bit of a bore, and we've been told we may have to go into the studio to record something or other.  I'd much prefer to, like, hang out with Kelly Osborne or Peaches Geldof and those sort of edgy streetwise kooky people, or to go to some hot underground club like Bungalow 8, or get sent free designer clothes or cocaine.  Those sorts of things are rather fun and make all the graft worthwhile.

Still, I've enjoyed all the attention and doing the fashion shoots for Vogue and the Telegraph has been rather fun.  After all ... duh!  Who goes to India in their gap year any more?

We've been going for a few months, but I'm not bothered if we become popular or not.  My uncle has got a job high up the Diplomatic Service lined up for me in September.

That should be rather fun!"

Charlie is currently dating supermodel and sculptress Portia Von Trapp, sister of the band's guitarist Gerhard.  I will be telling you all about her in the next post.

Labels: , , , ,

Nope, sorry, they just look like a bunch of stuck-up toffs to me.

BTW, up till now I'd thought Peaches Geldof was a meal. Y'know, like Peach Melba. Thank you for enlightening me.

PPS - Are the UK Subs still going? I used to like them.
"Three of them have modelled part time, and are definitely NOT socialites or rich, stupid cunts on trust funds with the right connections"

Ha! Why do models always want to be in bands anyway?
The Frumplingtons - hello, welcome, and thanks for commenting on what appears to be a Tumbleweed Post. I'm sorry for enlightening you to who Peaches Geldof is. She is a complete waste of space and anybody's time. As for the UK Subs, I think they are still going, but lead singer Charlie Drake is now 2900000000027 years old. His boomerang didn't come back.

Billy - I suppose that models want to be in bands because they want to be taken "seriously" for something that requires more talent than standing in front of a camera (well, allegedly. It may not be the case judging by Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Wotsit).
Thanks Betty.
We went to 'Dark Knight' this evening and in the ads before the film there was one for Radio 1 and their 'New Music' after 7pm.

Everything from y'know 'Drums 'n Bass' to 'Bhangra'.
The ad was about 5 mins long.
I turned to Kev and said "We're paying for this bloody advert".
They look like the new Kula Shaker or Menswear to me. Unfortunately not having a lead singer called Crispian Posho Wanker Mills they probably won't make it.

Keep it real. Yeah!
Their older stuff's the best...

An aside (I seem to be good at this): my friend was planning on setting up a website/record label and to get the site off the ground we were going to invent a load of bands. The best one was probably Sikh And Destroy, a Punjabi speed metal band, though someone came up with the idea of a Welsh ABBA tribute band called Aber. Anyway, the point is that if the website ever does see the light of day, I'll get in touch and you can make up bands and their backstories to your heart's content...
Well most modern music is only a 'mash-up' derivative anyway Betty, so you probably do know the (proper) versions!

I quite like hard-core dance music myself, but only the good stuff that actually has some musical merit or originality.
you must be making this up - surely! sure it's not a spelling mistake for The Editors?
If you aren't then I despair of new music ... I do like some new stuff and I am about the same age as you, I guess, (but not the edgy stuff) ...
Snow Patrol
Franz Ferdinand
Kate Nash/Lily Allen (anyone tell the difference?)
Avril Lavigne

Is that too MOR?

Betty - have you considered this sublime post as an outline for a hit Radio 4 comedy series??

The New Musical Express indicates that the The Jing Jang Ting Tang Bing Bang Bong are similarly gonna be 'massiv' on the estates.

Volvo Estates, obviously, but you can't have everything.
Kaz - Radio One is always desperate to let you know how multi cultural and cutting edge it is. Then it puts Chris bloody Moyles on the Breakfast Show. Well, I suppose it's good to see a fat bloke getting such a prestigious job I suppose.

Garfer - there's always a posh band doing the rounds, just so people who like music have got someone to hate. Same thing with actors/actresses. That's why people such as Sienna Miller are always in the papers. Doesn't guarantee success for them, thank God.

Ben - I like the idea of the Welsh Abba. Don't know if I'd be any good at thinking up imaginary bands because Im not up on different genres these days. Sounds like a good idea though.

Laura - I tend to like dance music more than stuff from any other genre, but am terrified of going into specialist dance shops. I was even when I was younger! I suppose modern music is regurgitated from old stuff, but there are still a lot of good things out there (most of which I won't get around to hearing).

Belleek - nothing wrong with MOR music. I don't know what's defined as MOR these days - anything that gets played on Radio Two? I don't really listen to the radio very much, so I wouldn't know. I get the impression that there's a lot of crossover between Radio One and Radio Two.

Boz - The Auditors and Portia Von Trapp are already taking on lives of their own in my head, which is pretty disturbing. I don't want to end up being detained under the Mental Health Act. Radio Four wouldn't take me seriously. Boo hoo. I like what Popjustice said about Joe Lean & The Jing Jang Wotsit - something like "well, all that money that's been invested in them has been worthwhile. Their single went into the charts at number 57 this week".
"Three of them have modelled part time" - see, this is what I've been saying all along, B! Thank Christ someone else has been listening.

I thought I was the last angry person in the UK apart from Stewart Home.

I'm thinking of starting an Anti-Fash mag called Caved & Diffused that features...waitaminutttt...I write for D&C...help, I...I...does not compute! zzzzzt!

*puts on Willie Nelson album*

Phewww...that's better.
This post is why I love your blog. Surely there'll be an Auditors clothing line! And perfume!
I was an auditor in a past life, I didn't wear a hat though. (Unless it was really cold and then I wore fingerless gloves)
You are a very scary woman, Betty.
Kek - well, you could always slip copies of Caved & Diffused into copies of Dazed & Confused. Subverting from within the machine or whatever they used to call it in the old days, heh heh. Funny how all the offspring of famous people who get so much attention these days are described as models/TV presenters/actors, or they form some shit, unsuccessful band before disappearing into the comfort of trust fund life. They're always so smug about their "careers" too, as if they're really doing something worthwhile despite being able to pull strings to get anywhere. The worst thing about it is when the media starts to take them seriously. Kelly Osbourne winning a "best theatre actress" award from some magazine earlier this year for fuck's sake ...

Lost Boy - aaw, thanks. The idea of an Auditors' perfume line competing with Jade Goody's new scent in Superdrug and Asda is very appealing, as is the idea of them "overseeing" their own clothes line and talking about what a "challenge" it was, and what hard work.

Ziggi - Geoff used to audit in the long distant past as well. He said the other day "we've got the auditors in at work" and I thought "The Auditors would be a good name for a rubbish band" , hence the post. Blimey, never a dull moment in our house, eh?

Dive - why, thank you.
Betty - come visit me - there's a present for you!

Belleeeek - blimey, I hope it's a step up from the little present that an urban fox left for me outside the front door today ...
It is revelatory posts like this that makes me realise that I am in fact living within the belly of the beast.

Oh well.

The secret to true success is to corner the bohemian bourgeoise angle. Just kooky weird pretty enough to appear cool, but dull enough to be palatable to people who don't really like music. Mediocrity is the new interesting.

I'd rather listen to US emo than the vast majority of awful UK bands. At least that has some sort of ethos. And I'm a sucker for miserable girls and boys in eyeliner...
Del, I'm not sure what the key to success is for British bands these days. I couldn't identify The Wombats or Pigeon Detectives or Fratellis if they were in an identity parade and their music is similarly anonymous. "Mediocrity is the new interesting" - exactly! It sometimes seems as if blokes in UK bands nowadays just want to be seen as normal Joes who are afraid to go out on a limb and behave like real popstars. Maybe that's what leads to so much homogenous indie crap.
I think it's just that at this moment in time, "Indie" Bands are the new pop. Just like RnB lite was a few years ago, and Euro Trance was before that. So every A&R is told to sign nice "indie" boys. Hence the indentikitindie look and sound. The real "indie" scene still has interesting bands making good records. They just aren't mainstream.

The reasons behind it being so dull is probably linked to the fact that the driving force behind the charts now aren't teenagers, who download everything, it's housewives buying Feeling CDs in Tesco.
Post a Comment

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?