Wednesday, August 04, 2010


Betty is AWAY. She's deeply imbibing the bracing airs of Tenby during the daytime and sipping Creme De Menthe and reading secondhand Catherine Cookson paperbacks that smell of stale milk in the static caravan of an evening.

Therefore, another guest columnist is brought to the helm.

Alex Gerrard is the lovely, fragrant wife of charismatic Liverpool and England footballer Steven. The former nail technician (cf: Wikipedia) has a distinguished career as a newspaper columnist. Her opinions have been sought by think tanks and her no nonsense, brutal but forward thinking views on tackling world recession have become the basis of the current coalition government's policy.

Here is a unique insight into one of the great minds of our age. You lucky, lucky people.

"R. A.!! I rairly like them hareeeem pants in the shops, they're dead sound!! I saw a dead nice pair in Cricket the other day, they were what the fashionistas call "greige" or summat like that, and they 'ad all these pleats round the front and they were in this silky drapey material and they were dead high waisted an' all, and I was honestly gonna get 'em there and then but I 'ad second thoughts because I thought they might make me look like me nan goin' the bingo on Wednesday nights! What do you think???"

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Alex love, a word about the harem pants. Though on first glance they look to be just the outfit for the Big Society we all will soon inhabit - inclusive (very), exotic (like a Burqa only you won't bump into stuff), and ever so slightly deranged, do bear in mind that they'll crease something awful. Just a thought.

Please remind Betty not to leave the paperbacks on the radiator or they'll crinkle.
The thing is, Catherine Cookson novels smell of stale milk even when they're brand new. The punters like them that way.

(Nice to see you back, btw.)
MENSA tag...teehee.
Is it raining in Tenby, just like everywhere else?

I hope not.

P.S. MENSA tag made me laugh, too!
I yearn for you tragically
Jackie Collins smells of cat pee.
I think Ms Gerrard has inhaled way too much nail polish remover in her career.

I fear that if the gov't is taking their cue from her, this may be the opportunity that Cornwall needs to secede from the UK!
Arabella - ooh, I don't like the idea of a "Big Society"! I mean, don't get me wrong, I've got nothin' against curvier girls and one of me best mates is a size eight and she's like one of the loveliest people you could hope to meet but carrying all of that excess weight isn't good for yer health and let's face it clothes don't hang proper on yer and you look like a heifer! xxx

Tim Footman - me gran used to have loads of Catherine Cookson books stashed on her shelves and you're dead right about the smell - eeuuw. She's binned 'em all since I introduced her to the Black Lace novels. xxx

MJ - MENSA? I'm not with yer. Is it a top designer? I'm generally on top of all the fashion news and the designers and all. I'll have to ask around me mates or at the next Liverpool Fashion Week about MENSA. Maybe there's some MENSA stuff in Cricket ... xxx

Inexplicable Device - Tenby? You're having a laff! Went there once with me mum and dad for the day, and it peed down all day. I prefer a couple of months in Dubai. You really need a place like that to de-stress in a high pressure career like mine. Get you with the MENSA too! I really need to get on the case with this MENSA bloke. Perhaps Vogue magazine can send me some freebies! xxx

Vicus Scurra - aaw, that's nice of yer darlin' but I'm already spoken for! My Steve is all the man I'll ever need but thanks for the offer! xxxxxxxxx

Scarlet Blue - I've never met her but you're probably dead on with that one. Face it, she could make more of herself. Joan's a lot better put together despite her age. I hope I look that good in me eighties! xxx

Eroswings - I'm not with yer. Don't people say some weird things. I'm too classy to sniff nail polish remover but there are other ways to stay awake during a hard night's clubbin' in Liverpool if you get me drift. Where's Cornwall?? xxx
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