Monday, May 18, 2009
DEVLIN A RED DRESS
Last night we watched a documentary about the Norrrn Irrn music scene which, surprisingly, wasn't called Teenage Kicks ( ... but was called So Hard To Beat which is another line from the same song and therefore is more *knowing* blahdeblah).
... this was the band that drove the Rev. Ian Paisley to drink for the only time in his life. Yeah - the Rev. really DID partake of the Devil's Buttermilk!!
Shame on you, BBC 4.
There were contributions from said Undertones, grouchy old cNut VanTheMan, the bloke who wrote the Bay City Rollers' hits, Brian Kennedy, Bap Kennedy, Bip Kennedy, Bop Kennedy, Jimmy McCullough (who rather spectacularly looks and talks like a little old woman), very cute Tim Wheeler from Ash and Gary Lightbulb from the awful awful awful awful Snow Patrol.
Every time I see Gary Lightbulb I recall the anecdote from a fan that appeared on Holy Moly's Mailout. It described an *encounter* with Gary when he was in an altered state hem hem, and the phrase "like trying to fit a slug into a coin slot" was used. Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, mmmm.
There seem to have been a lot of bands from N.I. that faded back into obscurity even though they were fucking obscure enough to begin with. They all had 1982 hairstyles and were called Ten Past Seven, Twenty To Four and Ten To Two.
How could the documentary fail to mention Norrrn Irrn's biggest, hardest, loudest and scariest Fenian riot grrrll act - The Bernadette Devlins?
... this was the band that drove the Rev. Ian Paisley to drink for the only time in his life. Yeah - the Rev. really DID partake of the Devil's Buttermilk!!
Shame on you, BBC 4.
Labels: Bernadette Devlin, Gary Lightbulb, Norrrn Irrn, Rev. Ian Paisley, The Devil's Buttermilk, Van Morrison, yet another rock documentary for 40 somethings
Thursday, May 07, 2009
FEATHER BRAINS
Jeeez Louise! <3
This is PART TWO of the stunning exhaustive overview of cinema that I promised many moons ago.
I'm not really up on modern film stars. They all have names like Ferris Crooks and Tilton McTaylor and I wouldn't recognise them if they were sat on my lap as I'm typing this, now, on the Mac.
However, I do know that there are different *types* of popular modern films. One of the most popular is the ROM COM.
These films are aimed at women who go on girly nights out to the cinema.
Well, that doesn't appeal to me for starters. I've never had female friends who are *girly* girls who would want to go on *girly* nights out.
When someone tells me that they are a *girly* girl I sigh wearily (internally) and immediately decide that they are pointless and not worth knowing. Life is too short to be understanding about people you know you won't have anything in common with, after all.
Unfortunately, during the course of a lifetime it's often difficult to avoid having to spend time with otherwise sane women who want to have *girly* conversations, i.e., they want to go on and on and on and on about their romantic relationships and the problems therein, or some bloke they fancy and whether or not he is interested in them.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT OTHER WOMEN'S ROMANTIC PROBLEMS AND HAVE KILLED SEVERAL WOMEN WHO HAVE GONE ON AND ON AND ON IN MINUTE DETAIL OVER AND OVER AGAIN ABOUT THE SAME SUBJECT AND I JUST WANTED THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Well, anyway, rom coms are aimed at these sort of women.
One of the ones that was released recently is called He's Just Not That Into You.
God, it sounds so shit, doesn't it? I thought that Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johansson were fairly decent actresses, from the little I've seen of them. Times must be tough in Hollywood if they're accepting parts in something with this dire a premise.
Really, the whole plot can be summed up in the title.
If a guy doesn't text, doesn't call you back, tells you to fuck off if you call him yourself, sends you dead fish through the post, puts a bomb under your car, he's not playing hard to get ...
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!!!!! GET IT? HELLS BELLS, YOU SHOULD HAVE WORKED THAT OUT BY THE TIME YOU WERE EIGHT, NOT NOW WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT YOU DELUDED SILLY COW!
I mean, men are simple creatures, nearer to plant life than any living mammal. Provided they have porn, beer, a few mates that they can see down the pub, football, Playstations and music, they're happy. Very few of them want to settle down, especially with insipid, self absorbed girly girls who like rom coms.
That's all you need to know.
There will be a concluding part to this trilogy which I hope to post before the decade is out.
Labels: Drew Barrymore, girly girls, rom coms, Scarlett Johansson
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
BLACKOUT THREATS
I've just started a new sideline blog as a way of staving off boredom. Obviously a sign that my time as a blogger is almost over. I'm like one of those bloated '70's rockers who bogged off to North Wales to record a solo album.
Anyway, its called "I DON'T LIKE THEM," SED IAN and it is here.
It isn't for everybody but, in the unlikely event that you watch Coronation Street, you might be vaguely interested.
Don't worry, it'll only last for a fortnight tops.
Labels: Coronation Street, ennui, sideline blogs
Friday, May 01, 2009
MAYBE IT'S RIGHT TO BE NERVOUS NOW
In acknowledgement of the fact that Simon Amstell has announced that he's quitting Never Mind The Buzzcocks, this is Simon *being embarrassed* by footage of his early appearance on GMTV:
As you can see, Simon's biggest misfortune is that his parents have obviously forced him to wear a bow tie. Parents who force children to wear bow ties should receive some sort of intervention from Social Services.
As you can see, Simon's biggest misfortune is that his parents have obviously forced him to wear a bow tie. Parents who force children to wear bow ties should receive some sort of intervention from Social Services.
I remember a child with a bow tie who took to the stage at the School Christmas Do From 1975. He was very short for his age and wore wire glasses. I don't know if he went on to be a minor player in the Cambridge Footlights or had writing credits for one of Radio Four's *hilarious* topical comedy shows.
I can only remember two of the acts on stage at the School Christmas Do From 1975. The first one was a cockernee musical number from My Fair Lady feat. Elizab**h Something Or Other, who had been on the kiddies' talent show Junior Showtime, and was therefore considered to be really stuck up and conceited. The second one was the kid in the bow tie.
He told some jokes that seemed to be from the 1930's, and nobody laughed. He concluded with a joke about WC Fields.
Corsage: model's own
A twelve year old child who tells a joke about WC Fields to a load of 1970's kids from the West Midlands. Most other kids of that age were obsessed with the Bay City Rollers or Bruce Lee. He must have had very old parents who lived in a dusty old mansion on a hill and they had dusty old reel to reel films that they insisted on showing him so that he wouldn't be tarnished by modern culture. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but ... they made him wear a bow tie at the School Christmas Do From 1975.
"I'd like to finish tonight (nb: it was 2.30 in the afternoon) with a joke from that well known Philadelphia hater WC Fields. WC Fields once held a competition and announced ( ... cue poor impersonation of WCF ... ) "The first prize for the winner is a week in Philadelphia! The second prize is two weeks in Philadelphia! The third prize is three weeks in Philadelphia!"
...
eerie silence
...
...
"Thank you, and good night."
He left the stage, drowning in an ocean of tumbleweed.
I wonder if he still wears bow ties, and still lives with his parents?
Labels: children in bow ties - why it is wrong, GMTV, oceans of tumbleweed, Philadelphia, Simon Amstell, WC Fields
