Thursday, June 07, 2007


Last year's summer holiday in Ibiza was ruined by my menstrual cycle.

To prevent a repeat of what is now known as Blobgate, it was decided that this year we'd go away for two weeks' holiday. Despite my body's best efforts, I can't menstruate for a fortnight.

Hooray. One less problem.

We also decided to holiday in Britain. There would be no stressful air travel, with the possibility of lost suitcases, the confusion over what you can and can't take on board, the hassle of a long journey from car to check-in to lounge to plane to customs to taxi to hotel while ... er, menstruating.

In the past few years, the weeks we've been abroad in June have always been lovely in Britain. I would come back home to find the garden parched and all my bedding plants withered away. Well, you need to change them anyway by mid June, don't you?

It was the solution that was staring us in the face! Why bother going to the Balearics or Canaries when the weather is lovely here, and the holiday will be cheaper?

So ...

On Saturday we travel to Cornwall.

My ovaries have helpfully made a few adjustments so that the menace of a long journey to the Southwest will most probably be endured on the rag.

All of the weather forecasts indicate that next week in Cornwall there will be RAIN every day.

Anyone who wants to say something about global warming will feel the back of my hand.

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have a lovely time. if pasties fail to enthrall, try pastis
It's all a distant and terrible memory.
Don't believe what they tell you - the big M is a breeze by comparison.
Wanders off cheering loudly whilst trying hard to be sympathetic.
I think Jethro should follow the Aphex Twin's lead and have his head Potatoshopped onto a buxom bikini-clad woman.
Rivergirlie - hello and welcome. The pastis seems like an ideal remedy to the hours of driving rain and galeforce winds that will no doubt lead to us being stuck indoors. Unless there's a Cornish pasty equivalent of hash cakes ...

Kaz - I can remember you writing something about never having to worry about wearing white trousers again. I think if I ever go through the menopause (probably when I'm about ninety at this rate) I'll wear white forever.

Billy - Jethro would probably rather have another part of his anatomy grafted on to a buxom woman. Well, that's the impression he likes to give, anyway.
"I love to sing-a,
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,

About a sky of blue-a,
or a tea for two-a,
Anything-a with a swing-a to an
"I love you-a,"

A little Cab Calloway and well wishes for a lovely retreat far from the madding crowd.
Don't go swimming, Betty. There's sharks down in those waters and I remember Jaws 1.
Apparently the global warming in Cornwall has attracted them.
I'm tempted to say that if you're on your menstrual cycle I'll follow you on my Honda, but that would be cliched and unsympathetic so I won't.
Have a lovely time. Cornwall is beautiful - some of the best coastline outside Scotland. If you feel a bit of culture coming on, try to open-air Minnack Theatre at Porthcurno, Penzance. It's carved into a cliff face! Night-time performances are superb - as long as you don't turn the wrong way when you nip out to the loo to change your chuff plug.
Watch out for the gert big jellyfish and inbred one-eyed yokels.

Cornish pasties contain 100% gristle, carrots, and botulism.

I menstruated for nearly three weeks once. I'd just started taking the pill, and I was ringing my mother up in hysterics nearly every day thinking I was going to die. ...Sorry, that wasn't terribly helpful was it??

I loved my hols in Cornwall when I was a kid. Tintagel rocked. As did Cobbaton Combat Museum, cos we were the only ones there all day and the curator let us get in some of the tanks. Actually, the museum seems to be in Devon so maybe that was a different holiday....

Have a good time!
HE - in Cornwall, the sky's going to be grey and the teas for two are going to be cream teas. I think I'll make a point of counting how many "cream teas, turn left" signs I see this time. Thanks anyway - I hope it is a lovely retreat far away from the madding crowd.

Murph - I wouldn't be surprised if there are sharks. Still, the cold weather and driving winds that will follow us there may put them off. Geoff seems to be more afraid of adders in the countryside. He has a morbid dislike of snakes.

Reg - whenever I visit Cornwall I go through that bit of thinking "oh, if only I could live here", particularly when I see the coast on the far west side ... don't know if we'll get the chance to take in any culture because Geoff doesn't really want to do much driving!

Garfer - "real" Cornish pasties are supposed to contain breakfast (sausage, eggs, beans and bacon) at one end, followed by dinner (spuds, cabbage and meat pie) and a dessert at the other end (treacle sponge). Eugh!

Violetforthemo' - sounds hideous (the three weeks of blobbing rather than the holidays in Cornwall). The problem with Cornwall is that there are so many places to visit - I've been there three times but still have loads of stuff to see (including Tintagel). For some reason I always seem to end up in St. Ives!
I do sympathise. What use are the 'bloody' things once you're forty and don't want kids? None, that's what. Can't we get a tax break or something, for enduring all this?

I hope you can ignore it; have you tried thinking of it as a rude person at a party? That's helped me on occasion.
Bring back a stick of rock for Piggy.
Arabella - it's all completely pointless, a real design fault. Think of all the money spent on sanitary protection during a lifetime! As for the idea of thinking it's a rude person at a party, at least you can ignore them or get some heavies to throw them out. If only you could apply similar tactics when the cramps kick in and you're feeling nauseous and feverish and ...

MJ - I don't think they do sticks of rock where we're staying. It appears to be in the middle of nowhere. Would a cold, mouldy Cornish pasty do?
"Unless there's a Cornish pasty equivalent of hash cakes ..."

There will be Cornish pasties stuffed full of hash at the Glastonbury festival. Might be handy to pop in there on the way home then...

Hope both of you have a good time laughing at the inbreds.
Isvanski - probably best not to indulge in hash Cornish pasties on the drive back. We might arrive back via Glasgow.

There are plenty of inbreeds down our street to laugh at. Mind you, that's probably how they see me as well ...
If for some reason you find yourself in Padstein, I mean Padstow whatever you do don't have fish and chips at Rick Stein's ordinary looking take away. Three times as expensive as normal fish and chips and if you eat in - it's about £30 a head and you don't even get real plates - you get a cardboard box to eat out of. Really bad. Mind you - excellent munterphoto opportunities there - I've got some choice ones from Padstow in the past.
Ooh, The Minack! My SO sang Tamino there and it was magical. Magical I tell you. (Flutey too, in an odd sort of way.) Darkness falling, the Queen of the Night singing as the moon arose over the Atlantic, casting a shining path heavenwards over the water . . .

And whatever you do, don't touch the coffee at Stein's place. Unless you like it boiled, smelling like tar and tasting of crushed asphalt. Unless you want to see the look on the help's face as you tell them the coffee is crap, that is.
There is, no doubt, an element of inter-breeding in Cornwall, but only because they stood firm against the merciless spread out west, north and east from London by the Romans, Angles, Saxons, Jutes and Normans. I am not of that county but don't think it is necessarily something to crow about that we, on the other hand, have honest to goodness Wop-Kraut-Scandinavian-Frog blood coursing through our veins.
It is often Londoners (you know, the detritus from everywhere else in Britain who moved to that shithole so that they could phone their friends back home on a nightly basis and say "It's great, I can get a Venezualan meal at 2 in the morning if I want"?) who refer to anyone from outside that anal sphincter of a city as "inbreds" - this from a city whose leading family has been fucking itself to death and insanity for more than 1,000 years!
Dr Johnson said that anyone tired of London was tired of life. Wonder if he'd have been so fucking chipper if you'd told him that one day he would have to pay to park outside his own house, to pay to travel into the city, to earn about £1 million-a-year to afford a two-up, two-down former squat, to pay £3 for a shit pint, to live in a place where one, drab, dreary, grey suburb stretches into another drab, dreary, grey suburb without you even noticing and to risk being blown up by terrorists or stabbed to death by young gang members on a daily basis?
Sorry Betty, I'm just in an arsey mood. On a positive note, take Rory McGrath's advice. If they sell you a pastie which contains carrots then demand your money back. True Cornish pasties DON'T CONTAIN CARROTS!
I'm sure you and yours will have a lovely time - sod the weather. Just relax,
Your lobsterless friend. X
I've put a little something up for you and Geoff up on my blog that you have to watch before you go. Have a lovely time x
Rockmother - my mother in law was telling us about it. Everybody seems to have a tale of what a rip off it is, but apparently there are always queues round the block.

Mangonel - no doubt it'll be raining over the next couple of weeks so at least I won't feel that I'm missing out by not going to the Minack Theatre. We certainly won't be drinking any of Rick Stein's horrible coffee either.

Lobsterless Reg - If anything, London makes you tired of life. I think we'd move away if we could, and we're only on the outskirts of the place. Still, we'll make the most of the time in Cornwall, even if it involves just watching the rain fall from the safety of the conservatory.

Rockmother - fanx!
Don't forget to tell Geoff that he has to wear white towelling socks with espadrilles too otherwise the outfit won't be faithful to the original combo. How very nautical and quintessentially Cornwall. Have a lovely time. xx
wandering around the historic environs of england, watching the locals interbreed, drinking bad overpriced coffee and leaking blood...

wow. i wish i had holidays like that.
TRY and have some fun anyway! and don't forget to pick up a couple of flats of bedding plants on your way home.
I have a few packs of the pill, theoretically so I can shift my period. They make me feel so nauseous that I find it better to blob than to try to shift the blob. Besides, these days it can be anything from 3 weeks to 8 week between blobs.
Hope you're having / you had a great holiday - unspoiled by either rain or, er, other things... As others have said, Cornwall is indeed beautiful - really must go again myself sometime.
I must learn to read more thoroughly. I read through your posting, feeling very sorry about your menstruation woes, and then read the comment, "Try pasties." What? Like a tampon or a towel? Should they be hot or cold? And why the f*ck should it matter whether they had carrots in them or not? Silly me. Hope I haven't put you off pasties for life.
cornwall? tuh! i'm hard core, me

i holidayed in north west scotland...in may...in a campervan
Rockmother - unfortunately the weather wasn't quite warm enough for the shorts and hoodie combo. Should've holidayed on the Costas instead, in proper Club Tropicana style.

First Nations - things weren't that bad in Cornwall. Watching locals interbreeding, drinking overpriced coffee and leaking blood - that's what happens at home.

Llewtrah - it's getting more and more frequent as I get older. My body's throwing out eggs like nobody's business, probably in the forlorn hope that I'll get pregnant. No way!

Ben - thanks, I enjoyed Cornwall but the fact that rain was predicted on all but one day in a fortnight was a bit of a drag. Now the bad weather seems to have followed us home while Cornwall is getting a bit of sun at last!

Around My Kitchen Table - don't worry, very little makes sense on this blog, especially in the comments section where everything goes off at a tangent. I ate quite a nice pasty at Kynance Cove (no carrots in evidence). Bit heavy on the pepper, though.

Urban Chick - well, to suffer is to live. You haven't had a proper British holiday unless you've experienced having to walk for miles with soaking wet clothes flapping against cold flesh in a gale.
did he come back without you? It was the nudefest at Eden that did it for you wasn't it? Admit it, you were there with the Ravin Rev!
Ziggi - was unaware that there was a nudefest until it was mentioned on the radio when we were coming back. My god. Is that a naturist convention? I don't want to be within a hundred mile radius of naturists ...
good lord woman this has to be the longest recorded menstrual period in recorded history! post something!!!!
Oooh, I may be back, one day (she says, staring wistfully into the middle distances).
IBIT Foundation and Mallorca Fernsehen realise together a survey in order to find out, what kind of information about Balearic Islands (Majorca, Minorca, Ibiza, Formentera) the tourists search for in internet before, during and after their journey and in which format they would like to receive it.

The survey is to be found under:

in English: http://enquestes.ibit.org/touristicinformation
in German: http://enquestes.ibit.org/touristischeinformation
in Spanish: http://enquestes.ibit.org/informacionturistica

We kindly ask you to fulfil the survey and according to the possibilities to distribute the links of the survey. The results of the study will be published at the end of 2007.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Kind regards
What a load of old balearics!
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