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Saturday, June 24, 2006

RIVERS OF BLOOD 

Oh, great. I've finally got a few minutes of freedom, so I'm sat in front of the computer.

Last night I was ironing until nine thirty in the evening. Besides, I had to deal with the aftermath of the exploding can of tuna incident by bleaching and washing stuff. All very tiresome.

The week in Ibiza was also a bit of a letdown, but I'll spare any sensitive souls out there the full graphic details. Instead, use your imagination to work out what happened using the following collections of words:

menstrual cycle goes haywire
two months' worth rolled into one
grinding stomach cramps for a whole day
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
stuck in the hotel for two days
no sleep

Jimmy Page may have suggested that the soul of a woman was created below, but the below bits of a woman were created by a right f*cking c*nt.

I will be writing about other aspects of the holiday and one or two other things if and when I get the chance, but there is more housework to do now.

At least I won't be posting any slightly blurred pictures of windswept beaches. Be grateful for small mercies.

Comments:
Welcome back, Betty!

You shouldn't have to do housework when you're poorly. I sympathize with your wonky plumbing. Come back to us when you're up to it.

And Geoff? Make her a nice cuppa tea and a hot water bottle.
 
There, there, dear. It's all right now. Your friends are here to look after you.
 
MJ - to be fair, the problems with the rag happened right in the middle of the week I was in Ibiza. Hey! Great timing! Besides, Geoff is very understanding/accommodating/a henpecked New Man (whichever your perspective on it is).

Vicus - does this mean that they're all going to do the housework for me? Excellent.
 
Geoff, if it's anything like here then book yourself into the Ibis for two nights and tell her she can make her own tea when she's scraped it off the wall. Sort of.

I'm on your side, it must have been hell.

Welcome back, Betty. Missed you xx (ducks)
 
It's not PMT, Richard. And it's painful for Betty, not for me.

We couldn't get around as much as we'd planned to. I think we'll be going away for more than a week next year. And taking a travel kettle for the hot water bottle. Tea just makes it worse.
 
I hope you are feeling better now. What a bummer. Don't do any washing. I never do. Or ironing. It sucks.
 
Robert 'Percy' Plant liked to have his lemon squeezed until the juice ran down his thigh.

Nothing beats a subtle lyric.
 
Apologies for conclusion jumping G & B, been a bit trigger happy around here recently on that count. The not getting around as much is a permanent feature hereabouts, too. Getting out of the house is a triumph sometimes and the week away is never long enough, so siuation fully understood.
 
Richard - I don't suffer from PMT. I'm just an irrational moody cow every day of the year instead (JOKE).

Molly - well, I've done all the washing and ironing now, unfortunately. I feel as if I run a laundry business.

Garfer - more on the Zepp in the next post.
 
I thought you were going to Margate!!
 
So did I?

helen
 
Ah, well, I revealed the real destination in the comments on the previous post. I was just pretending to be even more coarse and down at heel than I really am, as usual.
 
Welcome back!
 
Thank you Billy. It's great to be back, probably.
 
Glad you're back. Blog-time's been a bit empty without you. Balearic sangria, taken in the right overdose, has been known to procure violent dysmenorrhea and even abortions. Maybe you should have gone to Margate after all. Fremlins - if they're still on the go - brown ale always used to be quite innocuous in this respect.
 
Thanks for the comments Betty - good to have you back (albeit in isolation until you are 'clean' once more...)

I loved the story about Bowie getting the train back to London with Eddie & the Hot Rods (I think..)after filming the Bolan show and saying they just stared at him in disbelief when he told them about appearing on the Bing show. Didn't he also say something like "I thought he was going to pop off while we were singing..." Or is that just wishful thinking?

"Ba rum pa bum bum..."

Bob
 
Betty, Betty, Betty, hope you are feeling ok by now. Fuck it, take a consolation holiday on the house when you know your going to be feeling good.
Glad you're back x.
 
Oh God, ironing. Never ending isn't it? Do you think throwing out the ironing basket would make it all go away? Nah....probably not.
Glad you're back and hope you're eating lots of iron.
 
if you eat the iron you won't have to do the ironing any more. result!
 
Interpreter - actually, alcohol is great for stopping the cramps. The problem being that when the effects of the alcohol wear off the cramps return at double strength (as happened in Ibiza).

Robert - the thing is, in the performance it's a close run thing between who looks more haggard - Bowie during his coke years or a tired looking Bing who was coming towards the end of his life. Mind you, American television makes everyone look jaundiced ...

Tom - that would be wishful thinking. Air travel seems to play havoc with your menstrual cycle, quite frankly, and I'd be foolish to plan ahead in that way. It truly is the curse.

Arabella - I always thought there would be a breakthrough when Marks and Spencer introduced shirts which you allegedly didn't have to iron: it was just a gimmick of course, and you DID still have to iron them.

Surly Girl - I've been taking vitamin A and magnesium after seeking advice on the internet, so sprinkling iron filings over my breakfast cereal might be another option. I won't go as far as eating the steam iron though. I don't fancy the follow through.
 
Welcome back Betty! Its a law of the universe you know, if there is a bad time to have your period, it will start at that time.
 
Kyahgirl, tell me about it - I came on during five successive holidays once, all of them at different times of the year.
 
Led Zep rule!

Shit - how old am I!
 
Led Zep do indeed rule.

(Too old to care).
 
Ponstan.

Prescription only - ask your doctor, (s)he'll say; "oh yes, really works, wonderful stuff".

I'd trade my first born child for it.

That's:

PONSTAN.
 
naproxen sodium.

also valium. of course valium is good for just about everything.

oh, my heart goes out to you. that downright sucks ASS. stupid period.
 
This is one of the heartwarming things about the internet - you talk about menstrual problems, you get advice on how to deal with it. Respect to Tha Sistahood! I find that a pint of gin and a shot of heroin takes the edge off the pain, but it's good to hear about other options nonetheless.
 
might be worth getting checked out for fibroids. It all sounds dreadfully familiar
 
This has been an ongoing problem for years and years which I (usually) cope with. I keep trying to tell myself that it's "only" a few years until the menopause to avoid visiting the doctors, anyway ...
 
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