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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

MR SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY 



Last night I watched the Brit Awards Launch Party. Well, in truth, I recorded it and fast forwarded through almost all of it.

In fact, it's best to record and fast forward through most of the actual Brit Awards ceremony. Nobody in their right mind wants to see the dull performances and collaborations. The only bits worth bothering with are the acceptance speeches - or, at least, the ones made by anyone who is completely drunk. Of course, last year's highlight was the Arctic Monkeys' pie eyed non-speech as the Best Album award was handed over by a bemused Vic Reeves and Sharon "Psychotic Nutjob" Osbourne started ranting until her HRT patches fell off. Worthy of Beckett, that was.

Anyway, the one thing I have found out is that the nominees are as follows:

BEST BRITISH BAND:
The Cure
The Alarm
Def Leppard
Duran Duran

BEST BRITISH LAYDEEEE:
Annie Lennox
Linda Lewis
Sade
Toyah Wilcox

BEST BRITISH MAN:
David A. Stewart
Eric Clapton
Belouis Some
Nik Kershaw

BEST INTERNATIONAL ACT:
U2
INXS
Men Without Hats
Men At Work

SPECIAL OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING MUSICAL ACHIEVEMENT AND CONTRIBUTION TO CYCLING PROFICIENCY AWARD:
Tommy Steele

Sigh ... same as it ever was, eh? Still, at least there were some surprises in the EXCITING BREAKTHROUGH ACT category, which featured Belouis Some, Matthew Wilder, Beverly Craven and, last but not least, Seasick Dave.


Seasick Dave: "over the moon", apparently.

Seventy three year old Dave - a former car park attendant from Lowestoft - has suddenly become the man at the forefront of the Delta blues revival thanks to the continuing support of Joolls Holland. Well done Dave, and fingers crossed from everyone in the Utility Room!

Mind you, the Launch Party managed to provide the Very Worst Scenario In The History Of The World.

Previously, the two worst scenarios in the world were as follows:

1.  You're stood in an endless queue in Morrison's supermarket, which is full of parents with screeching two year olds and old women who take about half an hour to pay for a tin of cat food, and you've got awful menstrual cramp, and you feel as though you have got to have a massive dump in approx. two minutes' time.

2.  You awake to sunlight streaming through the curtains.  Spooned up to you is an apparently lovely man who is kissing your neck.  You are in a state of bliss.   You turn around, only to find out that he is Rufus Hound.


Rufus fucking Hound - *shudder*

Fearne Cotton (a woman who it is never possible to underestimate) introduced THIS awful, awful, scenario, however.  Worse still - IT BECAME REALITY.

"Make sure you join us after the break for a very special acoustic performance from chart topping trio Scouting For Girls".


Not so luverleeee

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Comments:
I'd rather fuck Rufus Hound than any member of Scouting for Girls.
 
Jesus God I almost vomited...
 
Didn't the Bay City Rollers feature?
Sx
 
I thought the Dave Clark Five were a sure thing for best breakthrough act.

The Brits need to get Mick Fleetwood and Samantha Fox presenting again. They were class.
 
Is it Ginger Week around here?

First Geoff with Mick Hucknall and now this Rufus Hound fellow.
 
..I quite like Rufus Hound..

*blushes*

But Scouting for Girls I genuine do not understand. All their songs sound the same! I suppose that never stopped Oasis. But honestly.

Best description of Fearne Cotton EVAH. But I heat the yoot like her, so she has her niche.
 
I think Seasick Dave could possibly be Tommy Steele.
 
Don't let Rufus near me then.
 
Billy - what a horrible choice to be forced to make though.

Fathorse - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, apparently.

Scarlet - no. Snubbed again! I'm very very angry.

Garfer - no Dave Clark Five, no Kaiser Chiefs. I can't tell the difference between the two. Sam Fox's career really took off after hosting The British Phonographic Entertainment And The Hit Parade Favourites Awards (as they used to be called in those days).

MJ - I'd like to think that the posts are Hucknallist and Houndist rather than gingerist. After all, I have fancied literally several ginger men in my time. Mind you, that's not saying anything, as I've fancied literally millions of men of various hues.

Boz - eww, Rufus Hound. I remember being repulsed seeing him on Richard And Judy, where he announced that he had become a dad. "Who would have wanted to be impregnated by THAT?" I thought. As for Fearne Cotton, is she really popular with "the yoots dem" (ha ha) or are they being forced to like her? Can't she just become ITN's Afghansistan correspondent instead?

Kaz - impossible. Tommy still has the boyish good looks that captured the nation's heart when he sang Little White Bull in 1732.

Mr Murph - he ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time.
 
**AFGHANISTAN** Bloody hell, why do Blogger have to keep losing my very long comments, then I try to re-do them and I'm so annoyed that I make typos??
 
Seasick Dave from Lowestoft? That bloke used to manage The Darkness, I'm sure of it.
 
I'd do Seasick Dave.
 
Istvanski - I hope not. God, I read a rumour that The Darkness are going to reform this year. It sent me down into a spiral of depression for about half an hour :(

FN - I already have, on several occasions. Face it, when you've hired a holiday cottage near Lowestoft there's not much else to do of an evening. Let's just say that he played me like he played that ole geetar.
 
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