Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Oh, Dana, I love you, you anti-abortionist beeeyatch you.

Here is Dana droning on and on about the fact that it will be a cold, cold, cold, cold Christmas. She is going to miss you in *oh so many ways*, but don't worry about it too much as she has got a vari-speed vibrator.

"Yesterday I saw your mum and dad/We bought our cards together". Aren't those the greatest lines ever written in the history of recorded song? Yes dear, thank you for making us feel really envious of your glamorous, jet set rock star lifestyle.

I wonder how many hours it took the TOTP crew to assemble the chrome piping on this unique set?

As far as this Christmas goes in my world, it looks like being a Bette Davis-esque bumpy night, for various reasons. Yikes! I'm sure I'll come out of it at the other side feeling stronger, and will be able to laugh about it in a few years' time.

A merry Christmas to one and all who read/comment/tolerate/slag off this blog. I wish I could give you all a deep, lingering kiss and that I could playfully bite the inside of your upper lips - or do I mean your inner thighs?


By the way, anyone who can explain the significance of the title of the post will win a "BETTY HEARTS DISCO" t-shirt with seasonal festive trim (only currently available in 28 inch chest size, but it's a freebie, yeah?)

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Ah, Christmas, don't you just love it? Never mind my dear. Soon it'll be all over.

I raise a glass of cava (can't do champagne what with the credit crunch) to you and Geoff! Cheers!
It's wot Bowie says when Bing asks him if he was paying attention. Thank goodness I only have a 28" chest for pertly sliding into my Volvo to drive down to my agent in Hampstead.

Have a good Christmas in the Utility Room and we'll see you at the Hootenany!
I'd comment but my Aga has broken down.
'Bumpy night, for various reasons'.
What reasons Betty?
I shall worry about this now and may have to have a small glass of sherry to calm my nerves.
If no one wins that T shirt it'll fit me to a T.
Happiest Christmas to you and him.
I raise a small mug of ale to yer missus.

Happy Chrimbo.
Merry Christmas, Betty!
Love and kisses from East Angular.
Hey! The Aga Queen returns to take on Beautiful Betts, or have you made up?
Go for the kill girls - I'm loving it.
I wonder if WITN got another cashmere cardi for Christmas? Yes - pomegranete and cava for you and you and yoouuuuuuuu - Jim'll fix it for you ;-)

Anyone for a Lemon Barrel?

Annie - thank you. Blimey, you stretch to cava? We have just downed the remains of a bottle of surgical spirit. All we've got left is some calamine lotion (this year's Malibu substitute). Yuck.

Wife - well done. You win the t-shirt. I hope the northern homestead has been warm enough over the festive season and that it only took a couple of months to warm the turkey through in the Aga. What a great year for you, flogging so many copies of the book and proving the haterz wrong! xxxxxx

MJ - ooh, I know how you feel. I can't comment because my vagina has broken down :(

Kaz - oh, the bumpy night is only just beginning. If I had any sherry in the house, I'd keep a large mug of it topped up to calm me nerves. Sorry, Wife In The North has won the t-shirt. As my nan used to say, "money goes to money".

Garfer - small ale? Small sherry? Really, you bloggers don't know how to get into the spirit of the season. Unless you're all lying. Thank you, anyway.

Dive - ... and a merry Christmas to you too (although I know you don't like that sort of thing, and neither do I, truth be told. Bah.)

Tom - me 'n' The Wife are the best of pals. We went out for the mother of all pub crawls on Christmas Eve and she ended up getting off with a seventeen year old boy in the Rat And Parrot. I left her to it. Very out of character for her, I'm sure.

RoMo - I'm sure that Wife's *real* Christmas gifts are her gorgeous children, smashing husband, millions of devoted readers of her book and her Aga, although not necessarily in that order. All I got for Christmas was a box of Matchmakers. Boo hoo.
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