Wednesday, November 26, 2008


This is a post dedicated to former Manchester United players who are now team coaches.

The loathsome Steve Bruce now looks like a dinner lady.

Steve Coppell is the gloomiest man in football. He has the permanently haunted quality of someone who has never recovered from a major disappointment in life.  This is indeed the case.  I can remember when he announced his early retirement from football on Match Of The Day due to an awful and persistent knee injury. He burst into tears. He is too sensitive for this world, let alone the world of team management. The Ian Curtis of the beautiful game, indeed.

The bearded Roy Keane now looks as if he should be hosting a Trevor And Simon's World Of The Strange-type TV programme. He should have an extensive wardrobe of black polo neck jumpers which he wears with a pentangle on a long silver chain around his neck. No doubt he's already getting morbidly obese women in kaftans who have frizzy hair coming up to him in pubs, telling him about the time they stayed at a boarding house in Devon and felt A STRANGE PRESENCE in the dining room, and that they felt that THEY'D BEEN THERE BEFORE, BUT THEY COULDN'T EXPLAIN WHYYYYYYYYY.




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I know that you are only a girl, but:
Paul Ince
Sammy McIlroy
Mark Hughes
Gordon Strachan
Mark Robins

to name a few more without really thinking too hard.
can we talk about kittens now?
I can't stop looking at that Roy Keane picture and not in a good way.

Whatever happened to swearing at prawn sandwiches or whatever it was that he did?
Nobody normal has ever played for or coached Man Utd.

George Best was quite normal, and look what happened to him.
Vicus - so many suggestions from someone who claims to hate football! It's a short post because I wanted girls as well as boys to read it. Girls are incapable of reading long posts that are full of long words.

Surly - don't worry, there'll be a post about kittens along in a minute, along with a recipe for a delicious steak and kidney pie to surprise hubby with after his long day at work.

Billy - I'm sure that Roy still swears at prawn sandwiches, and walk those bloody labradors of his about five times a day. What a man!

Garfer - David Beckham isn't normal? Mind you, he's too stupid to be bonkers. Too stupid to be normal, come to think of it.
Just between you and me Betty, I had a bit of a thing for Stevie Coppell, looks-wise he was no Gordon Hill but he won me over with his intellect.

Anyway - enough of the trivialities - Wife In The North's Aga has broken down, shouldn't you be organising a relief package or something?
Oh yes - Steve Coppell.
He looks like the sort of bloke who would write a book like 'The Goal Keeper's Fear of the Penalty'.
Betty, like Vicus I too was somewhat disappointed by the shortness of this list. I'm not sure you should be so concerned about your female readers - it's surprising how many of them study football in order to impress their blokes.
Can you make this an occasional series - and Kas, I can't wait for Steve's book to come out.
Beth - Steve seems to be a deep and gloomy man, and I like that sort of thing. I burst into tears when Geoff told me that Wife's Aga had broken down. Should we start an appeal, or at least a whip round? I'll have to pop over in a minute to see if she's got any comments yet. Her readers don't seem to be very sympathetic to her plight, the heartless bastards.

Kaz - "The Goalkeeper's Fear Of The Penalty". Ha ha! I wonder if he has really awful nightmares (every night I would guess).

Tom - I'm not actually a huge football fan. It surprises me that women would want to impress men with their football knowledge. I mean, think about the kind of blokes you encounter at football matches. There's nothing that makes a woman's heart beat faster than sitting behind some fat git in a nylon jacket shouting "PASS TO 'IM YOU FAAARKING CAAAAHNT!" through a mouthful of meat pie. Dreamy ...
Was it Steve Bruce who once shat himself during a game?

Anyway, if he's the dinner lady, Coppell's the grumpy caretaker, and Keane's the slightly odd man who comes in once a term to tune the piano, but he does it when nobody else is around, and when he's done he plays a Chopin sonata of such spectral beauty that you want to cry, but when he realises there's someone listening he stumbles and when he talks he's got a squeaky voice like a girl's and he lives with his mum who you never see and Dean Snell says she's dead and he keeps her in a barrel in the loft.
And Sammy McIlroy drives the school bus.

wv: "fantlike". Like a fant.
hee hee!! if i try and have a look at "wife with a petite one track book deal in the north de jour" i am blocked by my company webmarshal as it "contains offensive material"

clearly, software is a more discerning critic than quite a lot of people.
"He has the permanently haunted quality of someone who has never recovered from a major disappointment in life."

I'm not sure if this is related in any way to the statement above, but I once met Steve Coppell at a five a side football tournament. We were playing our final group game in an over 150s tournament (the whole team had to be 150 or over, not the individual players, you'll be relieved to note.) The ball went out of play on the touchline along which Stevie Coppell was stood. The ball rolled up to him and with that cultured left foot of his, he delicately played an inch perfect pass back to the waiting Swipe. "Cheers Stevie", I said. I went on to score twice - one penalty, the second a nimbly executed shuffle around the goalie, this sublime finish dedicated to Mr. Coppell in the time-honoured of a subtle pointing gesture and coy look in the direction of the former Man utd, Liverpool and England legend.

I've not heard from him since. Probably busy. Managing. Or something.

He's bigger than he looks on the telly...


wrund gerkhinification: sapple...

That was the experimental, spoken word LP offshoot label, wasn't it?
You're too good to us.

First those Filthy Friday fotos and now this.

You've raised the phwoar factor.
Tim - I don't know about the Steve Bruce incident and I"m scared to Google it. Is he the Paula Radcliffe of football then? I used to do prefect duty with a lad like the Roy Keane character. He went on to become an MP. On a completely unrelated note, all of the men who used to work for the Post Office in the Cannock area used to have the same hairstyle as Denis Law.

Surly Girl - I wonder why Wife In The North is unsafe for work? Perhaps it's all the swearing she did in that one post. Still, I don't want to slag off someone who is going through a great personal trauma with an Aga :(

Bob - a beautifully observed Steve Coppell/Old People Playing Football memoir. My dad once shouted something abusive at Martin O'Neill. Martin O'Neill looked at him and said "sorry, I don't speak Welsh" by way of a reply. Word verification: wdro verificaotin. Well, fancy that!

MJ - I aim to please, but am worried that all the steaminess will mean that I'm not safe for work.
Thank you Bettster. You've always had remarably good taste!


I shouted something obscene at Martin O'Neill the other week when Villa's second went in at the Emirates. I don't think he heard me as I was watching the game in the bosom of my family on a live internet feed from Spanish TV at the time (The Arsenal Villa gane was on a live internet feed from Spanish TV at the time, not the bosom of my family you'll be pleased to know. Although...)

As the commentary was in Spanish, it's quite possible that the notoriously deaf* Ulsterman might have mistaken the inevitable terrace barracking for the language of the bards....if they're still dubbing the crowds from pre-recorded La Liga games, that is...

Sorry - it's a late shift - can't think of anything better I'm afraid...


* he is notoriously deaf purely for the purposes of this comment, obviously...

p.s. gronk rustififaction: sallytis

Dang! always a 't' missing, isn;'t there??
Can't wait for Rio Ferdinand the manager - although it'll never be as funny as Carlton Palmer.

Steve Bruce is quite a nice bloke as football folk go - that's not saying much. And, yes, that's shameless namedropping.
Malc - but ... no! In our house we HAVE TO BELIEVE that Steve Bruce is a completely vile person! It's the only way we can cope with life! A friend of mine used to be in the same class at school as Carlton Palmer. That isn't shameless namedropping. It's shameful namedropping.
Bob - I think it would help most team coaches to be "notoriously deaf" to the barracking from the terraces, or for foreign coaches to not bother to learn to speak English. Er, at least it would help them to *focus* on the job, eh?
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