Wednesday, April 09, 2008


As blogging ennui* continues to set in like a cold, clammy sweat around a wheezing geriatric on a death bed, it's only fair that I should hand over the reins of the blog to someone else for this post. That someone else is Michael Eavis, big cheese of the Glastonbury Festival, who is going to tell you something about this year's Glastonbury lineup.

Take it away, Michael.

I'm the laughing gnome, and you can't catch me.

Um, hi everyone. Just popped in to have a few words about this year's exciting Glastonbury lineup.

There's been a lot of stuff and nonsense in the papers about, um, how the festival has gone downhill in recent years, what with the exorbitant ticket costs and our determination to stop yobs scaling over the fence and ruining it for the likes of genuine music fans such as Sadie Frost, Sienna Miller, Danny Dyer, Peaches Geldof and other esteemed celebrity guests who for me embody the real spirit of Glastonbury. Well, um, all I can say is - we'll stay tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime!

There have also been complaints about the band lineups in recent years. It has been suggested that some of our headline acts - Ruby Murray, Lew Stone & His Orchestra featuring the fragrant Elsie Carlisle, Van Morrison, Sir Cliff Richard, Stuart Gillies, The Kings Singers and Moira Anderson - may have been a little out of touch with the current music scene.

Well, um, I've taken this on board and this year have pulled out all the stops to attract a crowd of youngsters.

This year, the jewel in the crown will be Sunday night's headliner on the Urban Stage: young American rapping and scratching star Jay Zed!

In an unprecedented move, I'll actually be introducing Jay Zed from the stage myself, and have been "practising my urban patois" as I believe they say. Jay Zed - he's def and he's fresh for 1983!!!

Each day will feature one main stage, as we attempt to cut away all the fat and present, in essence, the ESSENTIAL new young music. Here is the full lineup for each night:

(All the best in new, exciting young leftfield American bands!!!)

Billy Joel
Air Supply
Jennifer Warnes
The Cars
Mister Mister
Huey Lewis And The News


(Top underground music weekly The New Musical Express brings you the best in leftfield young British music!!!)

The Senseless Things
Gay Dad
Jesus Jones
Daisy Chainsaw
The Family Cat
The Soup Dragons
Scouting For Girls
Ned's Atomic Dustbin


(Please note: anyone carrying a gun will NOT BE ADMITTED into the Urban Tent)

Wee Papa Girl Rappers ("Ennui* rule the dance!!!")
Yazz featuring The Plastic Population
Derek B
The Real Roxanne
Kenny Ball & His Jazzmen

Um, something there for everyone, I'm sure you'll agree. Surprisingly enough, there are a few tickets left, so hurry on over to the Glastonbury hotline to book now. It could be your last chance!

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Where's your high-priced Canadian talent?

You omitted to mention that my niece is performing at Glastonbury this year. Only as part of her friend Will Young's backing band but still, how cool is that?
And it's the week her baby is due, so that bulge in Will's trousers will be forceps and hot towels, just in case.
I'm as excited as Uncle Bryn at a reunion of Stacey's boyfriends.

Now that is funny! Does this mean the blogging ennui is over? Please, please.
The Cars AND Huey Lewis And The News - on the same bill!!! So glad I got up early to bag my ticket. Great scoop on the line-up, Betty - who's your source, or do you genuinely have a hotline to the "laughing gnome" himself?

(In all seriousness, I hope the line-up's better than the headliners suggest it might be, but I still can't wait. It's going to be dry all weekend this year, you see...)
Eavis and Utthead!

I'm just sorry Les Gray has screwed up the Mud Reunion tour by dying.
Donn - well, at the moment Little Jimmy is in rehab for that persistent crack addiction problem. That's how things are these days. Unless you want to step in for him and come on to do a turn with Long Haired Lover From Liverpool? Not much to ask, is it?

MJ - well, all those Canadian bands are very fashionable at the moment, aren't they? Probably a bit too fashionable to be at Glastonbury though.

Willie - blimey. There do seem to be a number of births at Glastonbury each year. Must be something to do with the cosmic leylines. Best for her to be prepared with a birthing tent and medical team on hand. Either that or Will is going to have to do a crash course in midwifery.

Billy - well, it should be Jay Zed on this side of the Atlantic, in my opinion, and it should be Zed Zed Top. Dunno if the Blogging Ennui craze is over. You'll have to ask one of those fashionable media whore-type bloggers who are in the know!

Ben - yeah, The Cars and Huey Lewis. It's skinny tie-tastic! I almost bought a Cars Greatest Hits album for £3 in Woolworths the other day, due to failing mental faculties. Fortunately, it had gone the next time I was in the shop. Glastonbury HAS to be due some good weather. I'm hoping the same for my holiday in Cornwall in June as well.

Murph - I'm sure Mud could carry on with a different singer, but no doubt they would be pelted with Mud throughout their set. If the weather took a turn for the better then, er, Hot Hot Heat might be a better bet.
Fianlly! A line up worth camping and pooping in muddy fields for!
I refuse to show up unless the Up With People Singers come on board. Or the Ladybirds.
Kenny Ball & His Jazzmen are worth the entry fee alone.
You think I'm kidding, don't you?
But will Shirley Bassey and her sequinned wellies be crashing in by helicopter this year? And will she be using an 'ordinary person's' bathroom?
Now that certainly isn't ennui.
What about Apache Indian and Denise Roussos and those lovely bouncy little girls from Bewitch*d on the world music stage?
I think you forgot UB40. The sound of middle-aged Dudley.

One of my first assignments as a trainee reporter for the Shrewsbury Chronicle in 1980 was to review a concert by Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen at Shrewsbury Music Hall - it was every bit as ghastly as it sounds.

The memory of loads of middle class teachers in tweeds and beards singing along to 'I'm the King of the Swingers' will live with me 'til my dying day.

Doris - yes, the thought of seeing Kenny Ball And His Jazz Men while tanding five miles away from the stage in a thunderstorm and sinking into three feet of cowpats was the tipping point, and I've just signed up for my £750 three day ticket. Can't wait!

Tim - they passed exams in French about a year ago, apparently.

First Nations - I'm disappointed about The Ladybirds as well. Awesome memories of them providing backing vocals for Jimi at the Isle Of Wight Festival in 1970. Not necessarily stoned, but ... immaculate.

Istvanski - The Chris Barber Band would've been better though. Petite Fleur is the bollocks.

Kaz - if I was Shirley Bassey I wouldn't use an ordinary person's bathroom, and certainly not one at Glastonbury. If the usual Glastonbury weather prevailed, she'd have to take to the stage in gloves, otherwise she would get ...



I thank you.

Doppelganger - sounds like a good idea, but Michael Eavis would probably be a bit confused by all the cross-cultural references. Really, he stopped listening to music around the time of the Canterbury Scene, although he's taken Emily's advice and will be booking Apache Indian next year for the Urban Tent. A World Stage might look like a pale imitation of WOMAD!

Malc - Ali Campbell has left UB40, which has to be the biggest and most shocking story in music for the past twenty years. As for Kenny Ball, on the quiet I like those tracks that turn up on my Hey! Fab Gear! It's The Sound Of The Sixties! six album box set for three quid compilations (The March Of The Siamese Children - I ask you!). The live experience does sound a bit grim though, especially as it was in Shrewsbury. I always remember Kenny 'n' the band having a laugh with the likes of Donny McCleod and dishy Bob Langley on Pebble Mill At One!
That Friday night line-up made me cry with laughter.
Thank you, Betty. You are a wonderful and very, very sick person.
Dive - gee, thanx! I'm very touched at being called a very, very sick person. Probably the nicest comment I've received here since the one where Maximum Bob said that if he met me he'd be fucking terrified ... or the one where he said that I have a profound lack of enthusiasm for anything.
Mate, I would SO go to see Journey.

They don't make 'em like they used to.

I tell you what, if the final line up is HALF as good as that one there, it'll be a month's lunch money well spent.

Oh Menswe@r. It would be a dream come true. I've got their album on CD and vinyl. We Love You is the great lost Britpop single I tell you! There's no justice! Even Kula Shaker got a second UK album release! It's a travesty!
When I was wee I got very excited by Menswe@ar. I had a t-shirt and everything. It doesn't fit anymore.

Who's playing the Melody Maker Acoustic stage?
Fathorse - dunno, I'm more of a Styx woman myself. Blue Collar Man - greatest song about the dignity of labour ever, er, man.

Del - is that Menswe@@@@r song the one that sounds like a complete Wire rip off? There are far worse bands to imitate I suppose. I, ahem, like one Kula Shaker song. The one that Geoff joins in by singing "Kula Shaker Shaker Shaker - Tossers" rather childishly, I think.

Boz - I wonder if Menswe@@@r would fit into their t-shirts anymore? The Melody Maker Acoustic Stage? Someone has just informed Michael Eavis that Melody Maker folded. He's in a state of shock. It was only about eight years ago. He may put on Melanie, James Taylor and Jackson Browne as a tribute. Just warning you, like.
But ripping off Wire was the very essence of Britpop! I think the song you're referring to is Daydreamer. One chord. Crap lyrics. Pretty black and white video. "Breathe deeper....daydreamer!"

We Love You was their failed comeback single. All tongie in cheek lyrics, Beatles harmonies and bluegrass guitar. It should've taken over the world. In reality, in ensured their second album was only released in Japan. A disgrace. Expect to hear it on one of my podcasts soon.
Del - ah, point taken. I was probably going through my "you're getting old now - time to put away foolish things such as listening to music" phase at the time, which lasted for about a year, at which point I realised that I was always going to be pathetically immature and I shouldn't make the effort to grow up.

At this rate, you'll be starting a campaign for Meanswe@@@r to reform.
throw in 10CC too and i'm there...

that should put off peaches, fifi trixibelle, sienna et al

I think I just rather fancy reliving select bits of my teens again. Seeing Menswear reform as, no doubt, drug and alcohol ravaged shadows of their former glory would only serve to remind me just how far I am from those halcyon days. When Echobelly and Mansun ruled the airwaves, and the word of Louise Wener was gospel... Sniff.
Lettuce Hater - I'd probably make the effort to see The cc (you see?) if it was the original line up, but that's unlikely to happen. Then again, I might make the effort to turn up to set fire to the VIP tent provided Peaches, Sienna, Sadie and the rest were in it at the time.

Del - oh, Mansun were brilliant actually. Should've been as big as The Verve and Oasis and the rest really. A drunken, ravaged, flabby Menswe@@@r busting the seams of their skinny suits would be quite interesting. Isn't Louis Wener a *top selling author* these days, er, apparently?
"Proustian LOL" - sounds like a story there Tim?

6 Music just *almost* played the Wee Papa Girl Rappers, but they didn't have it!
Spin - I hope that wasn't on George Lamb's show. Shabba!
Weren't Kula Shaker the one's who tried to be sooooo different by 'coming out' as Tories? No wonder they didn't last.

Ali Campbell? I'm shocked.
So hip and groovy I am cross-eyed with confusion and have just realized that, perhaps, I got stuck in the portaloo of time, several decades behind. But why oh why did anyone suggest Demis [it's a guy] Roussos? How about Nana Mouskouri?
Malc - I don't know about Kulashaker being Tories, but I can remember their singer saying in an interview something along about poor people in India being much more spiritually connected than people who have material wealth, or some such crap (the sort of thing that could only be said by someone who was from a very rich background who had been doing a bit of cultural tourism). Bloody pop stars, eh?

Ariel - I certainly hope you didn't get stuck in a Glastonbury portaloo of time. I can think of few worse experiences. Denise Roussos is the less bearded singing sister of Demis - think Natasha and Daniel Beddingfield, if you will. Nana Mouskouri's brother, Neil, also has a successful musical career in Greece.
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