Saturday, March 29, 2008


Something special for the weekend.  In today's Daily Mirror, eternally dishy Michael Aspel gives you advice on staying young and beautiful.  He should know!  

Apparently, you should keep your hands silky soft, a secret we ladies have known about for years.  In fact, why not soak them in almond oil and wear a pair of cotton gloves overnight?  You'll wake up the next day with hands like a four year old!  

Er, anyway, Michael also claims that his youngest son has kept him young by "getting" him "into" ... Fatboy Slim!  Eh?  Is his son about my age?  I thought young people all listened to T2 Featuring Addictive these days!

On retiring from presenting Utility Room favourite, The Antiques Roadshow, Michael was given a special present by the team, a ceramic microphone of the sort used by Winston Churchill.

No, me neither.

As a further treat, here's a clip of the young, testosterone-fuelled Michael in a De Niro-style cameo on the Pinky And Perky Show.  

Seeing this confirmed that I wasn't imagining things as a child: Pinky And Perky really were fucking terrifying. 

As for Michael, he's matured like a good old Stilton.  Grrrr.

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He's inviting a dose of Thrush there, if you ask me.
You've just given me my first ever dose of Pinky And Perky.

I'll be sending my therapy bills to you.
I thought the secret for soft hands was first revealed in the book "Of Mice & Men" - glove full o' vaseline.
Not that I've tried it myself...
Boz - what, eating soup with Pinky & Perky? Ah, you mean the almond oil and gloves thing ... I think ...

MJ - they caused me awful pyschological problems because my parents were nasty enough to put Pinky & Perky wallpaper in my bedroom when I was little. Think about how many nightmares I must have had.

Istvanski - I dread to think. That sounds like the kind of thing that MJ would know a lot about. Vaseline is good for keeping your eyebrows in shape though.
Serial killer eyes if ever I saw them - and I know a thing or two about pigs' eyes.

And WTF? Dancing coconuts? Still, it was considered cutting edge children's entertainment in those days - that and Crackerjack.
I think Sweeny Toddesque mouse barber was more frightening.
Malc - the way their eyes shift from side to side. That's one of the reasons to be afraid of them, despite the fact that they're only about eight inches tall. Someone commenting on the YouTube clip thinks that the dancing coconuts are the funniest thing they've ever seen! That person must live in a monastery.

Ziggi - I can't actually remember the mouse barber. Perhaps it's something that's so disturbing that I've blocked it from my mind.
All I can say is Men do look better looking with age.

Sham though of the Victor Meldrew tendencies that come with age.
Chazza - well, some men look better with age, if they make the effort. Sadly, if you're a woman, all you have to look forward to is invisibility and cake competitions at country fayres! Er, I turned in to Victor Meldrew when I got to twenty eight ... which is a bit odd.
Pinky and Perky wallpaper?

You are damaged for life.
MJ - I did a post about the trauma caused by hallucinating about the Pinky And Perky wallpaper about a year ago - http://bettysutility.blogspot.com/2007/03/that-old-man-river.html

I am a survivor.

That was the posting where you introduced me to the horror that is Val Doonican.

You are wicked and perverse and I'm sure you take some sort of twisted pleasure in foisting your British demons upon we Colonials.
Didn't he get the missus a job on East Enders?
Extraterrestrials have been receiving our TV transmissions since Hitler's Olympics.
If that isn't enough to want to incinerate our planet what is?
Fatboy Slim (if that is his real name!) has to be at least 50 himself.
MJ - I should state that Val Doonican is not a British demon, he's an Irish demon. Well, not much of a demon, probably. Just a nice old man. I always try to see the good in people.

Kaz - is that true? Is he married to Dot Cotton? He's certainly aged better than her, if that's the case.

Donn - I hope the extra terrestrials didn't pick up any ideas from the Hitler Olympics. If it's the case, then Leni Riefenstahl must be the most influential director in the solar system!

Billy - he's, actually (blushes furiously) a fortnight younger than me. Exactly a fortnight! Ahem, mind you, I've been assured that I look younger than him. It must be the clean living, early nights and not being married to Zoe Ball that work in my favour.
I don't know about pinky and perky, but that cut-throat-razor-wielding mouse got me screaming. And boosh fans will all know how dangerous anthropomorphic coconuts are...

Is it just me or was there not story or plotline or anything to that show?
why on earth did we clamour to see P&P? I can't see the joke at all now!

Never realised Michael Aspel had such big ears - he must have grown into them now!

Who on earth could not find those coconuts funny? I wish you people would take more drugs, like the people who thought up this stuff.
And hasn't Colin Firth done well for himself since being the straight man to a couple of pigs?
"The Antiques Roadshow" or "Greedy Cunts Wanking over Old Junk" as it is known chez Scurra.
I hope that this helps.
Sorry Betty..I meant to say that Perky & Porky or whatever would be the final straw for the ETs and that they would be forced to vaporise Earth.

Then again who among us can honestly say that they didn't switch the turntable up to '45' when Stairway To Heaven was playing...

If all Politicians were forced to inhale Helium this world would be a lot less tedious.
Fathorse - y'know, it took me a few viewings to notice the mouse barber. I wonder if he was a regular on the show? I think that the clips were all edited together from random bits of the show, but then again, perhaps none of it made any sense and it was a prototype for the surreal comedy of Python, Reeves & Mortimer, The Boosh, etc. Except it was more frightening.

Rosneath - Michael Aspel has probably grown his hair longer to hide his ears. I wonder if there are pictures of Terry Wogan with short back and sides/massive jugs? Or without his toupe, of course.

Vicus - Colin Firth has put his lovely bunch of coconuts to good use, as was demonstrated in the wedding picture from Pride & Prejudice a few posts down from this. I only ever see about five minutes of The Antiques Roadshow with the sound off. In the realms of Sunday evening television it's slightly less depressing than Songs Of Praise, and far less depressing than Last Of The Summer Wine.

Donn - did Alvin & The Chipmunks have any success in North America? When I first had a record player at the age of eight, I had endless hours of fun playing records at the wrong speed. Sadly, you can't do that with CD's and downloads. A pity, because a lot of songs would be improved by stupid helium vocals and being a couple of minutes shorter.
If Donn turns the volume up to 11 on The Immigrant Song, I'm outta here.

Valhalla, I am coming!
Now that I have seen this, many, many questions I've had about British culture have been answered. Only 'WTF' remains.

wow. that was...

MJ - I used to live next door to someone who played The Immigrant Song once a day, religiously, for the two years he was there. Probably the only time I've ever lived next door to someone who had a record that I also owned!

FN - it's certainly an object lesson to every other nationality. Why The British Are Not To Be Trusted. Mind you, I must say, I like the way Michael Aspel eats a bowl of soup (drinks a bowl of soup, should that be?)
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