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Friday, December 14, 2007

STINKEROO 

As Christmas approaches, an unprecedented number of celebrities have put their names to perfumes and aftershaves in the rush to make a quick buck.

David "Spread 'em, Darlin'" Beckham's Intimately Beckham range is in the shops. "Does it smell of his golden balls then?" I have been heard to remark, with the usual levels of sophistication and understatement.

When I saw Cliff Richard on television promoting his fragrance, which apparently includes frangipani and tuberose, I realised that we have reached some kind of celebrity endorsed perfume critical mass.

I mean, look at the number of unlikely has-beens, never-weres and Z-list celebs who have got fragrances on the market for a man, a woman, a cat, a dog or possibly all four!

FRANK WORTHINGTON
SHANE MACGOWAN
PAULINE QUIRKE
BILLIE JEAN KING
BILLIE JO SPEARS
MERRILL OSMOND
LES DENNIS
JUDITH DURHAM
HORACE BATCHELOR
KEITH WATERHOUSE
MC TUNES
THE RIGHT HON. DOUGLAS HURD
BARRY DAVIES
GARY DAVIES
SUE POLLARD
THE REBEL MC
TIMMY MALLET
MICHELLE MCMANUS
NORMAN COOK & ZOE BALL
THE MARQUIS OF BATH
DANA INTERNATIONAL
DANA
HAROLD BISHOP FROM NEIGHBOURS
THE SOUP NAZI FROM SEINFELD
THE BASS PLAYER FROM CHAPTERHOUSE
CAROLE MALONE
FORMER OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNING PENTATHLETE MARY PETERS
NEIL AND CHRISTINE HAMILTON
PHIL COOL
PATTY HEARST
STEVE LAMACQ
SYLVESTER STALLONE'S MUM
GARY KEMP
ERICA ROE
JIM DIAMOND
MATT LE TISSIER
PETE WYLIE
DJ QUICKSILVER
ROUND THE WORLD YACHTSLADY ELLEN MACARTHUR
MURIEL GRAY

Look, it's ridiculous! Think of all the rare flowers and spices that have been lost to the world just so this sorry list of apologies for human beings can line their pockets (er, in their dreams!)

There's a whiff of something awful about it all, even if it does have a top note of ylang ylang ...

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Comments:
I havent a clue if your pulling my leg, but that list is finger-fimrly-on-head-GENIUS!
Barry AND Gary Davies. (I havent a clue who either are, but WOW!)
And good ol' Soup Nazi. I might just get that due to my love of Seinfeld.
Also where else could I get away with saying "What the hell does DJ Quicksilver, Steve Lamacq and Timmy Mallet smell like?"
 
Not a Z-list but nevertheless…Kylie Minogue’s Darling.
 
SHANE MACGOWAN?!

What's it called? I gotta see this.

If I wanted to smell whiskey breath I'd just breathe on myself.
 
Hugless Turd has a fragrance? Eau de Squarehead Tory.
 
You are such a tease Betty!

Douglas Hurd's good lady wife (whiff) Thora also had a perfume called "macaroon magic".
 
The Boy Who Likes To - hello and welcome. It must be wonderful to be young enough not to know who Barry or Barry Davies are. Believe me, we old people have had to SUFFER. DJ Quicksilver, Steve Lamacq and Timmy Mallet all smell quite, quite lovely.

MJ - Shane MacGowan's "Mahone" has elements of dried piss, stale sweat, whisky, ashtrays and vomit and is topped off with the clear, ocean fragrance of tubercular phlegm. How can Kylie compete with that?

Garfer - he used to be a bully at Eton, so it's redolent of the smell of canes against backsides.

Murph - ... which was so successful that she followed it up with the "Stairlift To Heaven" range.
 
BARRY OR GARY DAVIES.

Oh, botheration.
 
You forgot Jim McDonald's 'Eau de Strangeways' with subtle overtones of desperate male pheromones and stale cabbage
 
You made one or two of those up, didn't you? Go on, admit it.
 
That lists's not quite as impressive as it looks. The bass player from Chapterhouse is in fact the Right Hon Douglas Hurd, and as such appears twice.

(I believe Su Pollard occasionally played harmonium and modified cowbell for Slowdive, but was never technically a member of said combo.)
 
also Sarah jessica parker...
well... if you have really very famous name... why not make money from it? there are so many people who are buying names, but not stuff they need...

Please visit Young Voices.

Have a nice day!


Rosita
Young Voices
Norwich Mind
 
Jade Goody was due to launch a perfume until the hoo-ha over Big Brother. Can't begin to imagine what it would have smelled like.
 
Kaz - do you think he's going to have a fling with Blanche then?

Malc - how very dare you??? I do extensive research for weeks on end to present the facts! (oh, well, alright then ... you may be right).

Tim - oh, shit, I'd forgotten how many members of shoegazing bands were actually in the Tory cabinet at the time! A few of those bands' albums are now in the guilty pleasures section of my grotty old record collection.

Malc 2 - what would it be called, Goody Goody Gum Drops?
 
I am fascinated by the places which sell this shite - you know, those Zyclon B-choked perfumery departments populated by vacuous, orange bints in white tunics whose tits lift when they smile.
It passes a few drab moments to go into these places and say things like "Excuse me, do you stock Throb For Men?" or "Which one is the eau de toilette endorsed by the Leyton Orient goalkeeper?" or "I am exploring the possibilities of turning my penis green for 2008. Have you got any John Prescott Dong Dye?"
Happy Christmas shopping.
 
Holy crap, Betty.
I am so glad I have no sense of smell.
 
Heh. I would quite enjoy finding any of those in my Christmas Stocking. So it's "Piscine" by Cap'n Birds Eye, it's still better than "Tweed" by Lentheric.
 
Reg - I hate being approached by those women who always ask you if you're looking for anything in particular, while probably appraising the fact that you're really slovenly because you haven't had any Botox in the past week or had any extensions put in your hair or on your nails (um, dunno how much of this applies to you).

Dive - by the time they've tested more than one of those free samples in the shop, everybody loses their sense of smell.

Doris - oh, women of my mum's generation used to love Tweed by Lentheric and it's ghastly. I think it was supposed to suggest that you were worldly and sophisticated (in other words, you were past it). If I ever get that as a Christmas present, I'll start crying!
 
Regarding "being approached by those women who always ask you if you're looking for anything in particular"...

I was shown immediately to the sale rack by a shop girl!
 
Would that be the Horace Bachelor from Keynsham, that's Keynsham, spelt K E Y N S H A M. Didn't he used to sell a gambling system? Betty, this is all part of a side of life I'd rather not see.
 
MJ - well, they escorted me to the rubbish bins at the back, asked me to help myself and said "it's a shame really".

Tom - yeah, Horace Batchelor turned up in a comment I left on Murph's site. He's an enigma, and his aftershave is called Enigma. It's got a very enigmatic quality. Embrace celebrity perfumes, Tom. They're part of what makes the world today so great.
 
yes, theres a list of people I want to smell like.

you and geo need to lend your names to a fragrance! everyone else in the entire world seems to be doing it, after all.
 
FN - you're right, what could stand in our way? Apart from a lack of glamour, youth, fame, money, or that fact that even our next door neighbours don't know our names.
 
Sometimes I can't work out what smells worst - celebrity endorsed perfumes or brussels sptouts farts.

Remember Gloria Verandah-built's perfume (late 70s or early 80s), I think that's when the rot set in.
 
Llewtrah - ah, Gloria Vanderbilt. Now there's a woman whose name puts me in mind of satinex drainpipe trousers or some other such 1978 fashion. Not that I had any idea who she was before her perfume and her jeans were marketed!
 
No, no, no! I told you Betty, it's "Sidebottom" not "Worthington".
 
Rebel MC's fragrance would have to be called Street Snuff.
 
Istvanski - "McLintock"

Boz - that's because he's not a Yankee. No - he's a Laaaaahndannaahh.
 
"ehhhhhh oo! ehhhhhh oo! ehhhhhhh oo! ehhhhhhhh oo!"
 
Boz ... I'll be publishing a long, pretentious and exhaustive post about Rok Da House by The Beatmasters Featuring The Cookie Crew if you're not careful.
 
Born this way. So let's dance. (cue panpipes!)
 
Late 1980's pop video with three blokes in sportswear dancing alert (can't remember if there's any Running Man in it though) - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-YinhMSANjc

Well, it saves me getting off my arse and publishing another post.

Off to Google Derek B now.
 
Is Paty Hearst's perfume called Stockholm Smelldrome?
Sylvester's Mummy's cologne is called Evening In Detroit.

It is wrong on so many levels...we can only handle a few celebs in the universe we need to cull the herd a bit. It's completely out of hand innit?
 
HE - exactly, when is a celebrity a celebrity anymore? They're supposed to be different and special. A cull sounds like a good idea. Perhaps death by plastic surgery will cliam a few of them anyway.
 
i'll even write the copy:

'BJ for men'.
Give him what he REALLY wants.


you know i'm right.
 
...


that was assuming that 'Geo' is pronounced 'joe', you see.
 
FN - actually, it'd be BG, as in "Geoff". BG doesn't have the same ring, really. People would think it was endorsed by Barry Gibb.
 
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