Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Today's guest post comes courtesy of recent Coronation Street returnee Jim McDonald, who the vast majority of readers won't know because they don't own a television set. Still, you can't cater for all tastes, can you?

Take it away, Jim.

"What about ye? I'm just back out of the Big House, so I am. Let me tell ye, I'm a changed man, so I am.

When I went in the Big House, I'd been acting buck crazy, so I had. I'd never really grown out of the army way of thinking, and it used to cause ructions with My Elizabeth, so it did. She had had enough of me acting the Big I am, so she had, and fair play.

Still, being in the Big House allows you to take stock, so it does. I think I've changed.
I tell ye, getting out of the Big House has been a surprise, so it has. Yer man Steve has offered me a job, so he has, valeting cars. I'm working for my own son! Jeez ... "catch yerself on!" I thought, "it only seems like yesterday that yer man was a wee boy along with our Andy, running rings around me and Elizabeth and acting buck stupid. Now Steve has a wee girl of his own.

I think I've calmed down. My Elizabeth has taken up with another man since I went into the Big House, so she has, and by all accounts yer man is a complete idjeet, buck stupid, so he is. Now, a few years ago, I would've gone steaming in there and beaten him to a pulp. These days though, I've knocked the booze on the head and I'm a lot calmer and more focused. I'm going to bide my time and see how My Elizabeth feels in a few months, so I am.

I owe it to myself to make a go of living and stay out of the Big House. What's more, I owe it to My Elizabeth, Steve, and that wee girl of his.

Fair play."


Is Liz still with Vernon?

Or did she take up with the drain man?

Remember, we're 9 months behind in The Colonies so I'm not privy to this information.
MJ - well, I don't know if I can reveal the truth because it'll ruin the surprise. All I can reveal is that, as Jim would say, Liz's current beau is "buck stupid".
Yeah! We love you Jim - so we do.

Please have a few pints of Newton & Ridley's finest, go and kick the shit out of that loser Vernon then have rampant sex with sultry Carla or glossy Michelle.

'cos you're worth it!
What's happening with Ena and Albert?
And, MJ, nobody in British TV "takes it up the drain". A polite kiss (no tongues) is as far as they go.
Kaz - it's only a matter of time before Jim reverts to type, isn't it? Well, I hope so, anyway. "Sultry Carly or glossy Michelle" - ha ha.

Vicus - I think Ena went to live in a residential home and Albert died in about 1982. As for the drain remark ... I've never believed those people who said that they snorted coffee out of their nose because of something amusing that they read. However, I seem to have spluttered tea all over my clothes. Oh dear.
Uncanny. I was right there! So I was.
Corrie confuses me. I never know who anyone is or what's going on...
Arabella - catch yerself on!

Billy - I don't either. If I did, it would wouldn't be worth watching.
I have met the great man.

He bought me a Glenmorangie. Pity he didn't buy a few less for himself, the big eedgit head the ball.
I think the answer is 'only when English TV producers are within earshot'.

A throwback to the Oirishness of the fillums in the 40s and 50s. Can anyone watch The Quiet Man and not cringe these days.
And wasn't there another McDonald brother at one time, or did I dream that?
Garfer - I'm impressed, I always thought he'd be a dude. Mind you, I saw him being interviewed on breakfast TV once with a huge glass of whisky in front of him, which is a pretty hardcore breakfast.

Malc - not forgetting all the stereotyped Irish coppers that have appeared in every other film until the '60's, *to be sure*. If you visit any tourist attraction in ireland, you'll be told "The Quiet Man was filmed here". Just a way of reassuring all the twats from the mainland.

The "other" McDonald, Andy is "in Spain" but I've no idea what he's doing there.
To give you an idea of how far behind The Colonies are with Corrie, last night's episode introduced us to the Morton family.
MJ - urgh, the Mortons. The potato faced girl has already left, and hopefully the rest of them will do the same soon. At least you're not as far behind as Vicus, eh?
Sorry Betty, what is this programme of which you speak, and where is this strange place, 'Up North'.
Actually, I have heard that there is a place somewhere where everyone is really friendly and they leave their doors unlocked and always say hello to people even if they don't know them. Doesn't sound right to me!
Tom - I don't think that it would be possible to leave your doors unlocked in the North these days (or anywhere in mainland Britain). I certainly don't approve of people I don't know saying hello to me - it would be terrifying.
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