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Thursday, October 18, 2007

FRANKIE SAYS - ARM THE UNEMPLOYED 

Hmm, I'm pretty busy here at the moment (mostly doing unpleasant stuff) so I haven't got time at present to do any more blogging about the Norfolk holiday (which I'll hopefully spin out until Christmas).

In the meantime, you'll have to make do with one of the occasional contributions from the Bexley Xtra's gossip columnist Polly Witterings. See you later.

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Hi! Polly Witterings here once more with all the news that's hot - and some that you're not supposed to know about!!!!!!!!

Congratulations to Lily Allen (23), singing cockney reggae daughter of outrageous funnyman Keith Allen (56), who has dropped from a gargantuan, repulsive, sweaty, outlandish dress size 12 (size 157 in the USA folks!) to a chubby but more socially acceptable size 8. Lily credits her weight loss to stress caused by the break up with her man, DJ Somebody Or Other (28). Well done Lily, but we here at the Xtra think you should dye your hair blonde and get plastic surgery to look like somebody more pretty - Jessica Simpson (22) (for instance!!! LOL !!!!!


Lily Allen: fat munter

A "get well soon" from the Xtra desk to swarthy Welsh pocket Hercules, Kelly Jones of Welsh rockers The Stereophonics. Welshman Kelly (34) is nursing an injured arm after getting into a fracas with a security guard who wouldn't let him get into the ladies' toilets at a top London nightclub! Come on Kelly - is there something you'd like to tell us?????!!!!! After all, Kelly is a girl's name!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

Here at the Xtra, we girlies (average age: 37) are overcome with excitement at the prospect of the Sex And The City movie! We are virtually salivating over all the leaked pictures of the ladies wearing some droolsomely stylish outfits on set!!!! We're loving Sarah Jessica Parker's long argyle socks and retro Katherine Hamnett"Frankie Goes To Hollywood" big t-shirt!!!!!!!! We're all off now to frantically scour the shops to find all the copycat clothes in homage to the ladies. Sarah (58) (dress size minus 4) is probably THE style icon of all time!!!!


Sarah Jessica Parker - style icon (necklace - £758.99, Christian Lacroix vintage, model's own).

Video internet site YouTube went into meltdown last night as millions of people went online to see the latest footage of Britney Spears setting fire to her minge!

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Comments:
When did Britney get a miniature Yorkie? I can't keep up, me.
 
Arabella - I don't think Britney is allowed to keep pets anymore in her *fragile* emotional state.
 
I love the term 'fat munters'. Awesome blog - love your humour.
 
Excellent stuff B. And thanks for posting up my favourite Didier Drogba snap too; fetlocks to die for, or what??

Bob
 
Why the long face, Sarah-Jessica?
 
I didn´t realise Britney was a boy - but then I didn´t realise Britney was a girl´s name.
 
I never knew Keith Allen was a size 12!
 
'Sarah Jessica is an equine triumph in the new production of Equs with the nekked Daniel Radcliffe making his stage debut'.

(as reported in the Cromer and North Norfolk Horse Breeders Gazzette, Sept 2007)
 
You mean that isn't Sarah Jessica Parker wearing the necklace. I'd never have known ...
 
Johnski - thanks and welcome. In a sense, as bloggers, we're all fat munters, even the sleekly beautiful ones such as Murph.

Bob - thanks. How has Didier managed to combine his commitment to Chelsea when he has had to compete in the Horse Of The Year Show?

Murph - it's good to know that that joke goes on from generation to generation (Jacques Brel walks into a pub ... Celine Dion walks into a pub ... etc.) There's even a canine version ("an afghan hound walks into a pub").

Kaz - well, there you go, Americans all over. They have a tendency to name their daughters after estate agents and law firms. How did Kelly Jones get away with being called Kelly in Wales though?

Istvanski - a size 12 and a 100 per cent twat.

Garfer - lucky old SJP. Not many middle aged women can say that they've been ridden bareback by Daniel Radcliffe (ho ho).

Llewtrah - well, you can tell it can't be the real Sarah Jessica Parker because she *so* would have done something to make her hair look a bit less lifeless. A conditioning treatment, straightening irons?
 
Thank you for the reassuring news that Britney has had her pets confiscated. Setting fire to little fluffy friends is simply not on.
How do I subscribe to your periodical?
 
Isabella - thank you for your kind comment!!!!!!! You can read all the latest news about Britney Spears' minge every Thursday in the Bexley Xtra, Kent's top weekly free paper!!!!! There are details of subscription rates for overseas readers at the Xtra's website!!!!!!!!
 
Keith Allen's erect penis is a maximum of 1.5" long apparently. Terry Wogan would give him a run for his money judging by last week's display on Points Of View.
 
This comment has been removed by the author.
 
Rockmother - perhaps that's why Keith Allen is so aggressive. It's a form of overcompensation for what he's lacking in other departments. Who knew he had so much in common with laid back (and, er, sprawled out) Terry?
 
Can you be a thin munter?
 
Spisnterella - well, apparently, you can never be too thin. So perhaps not.
 
Poor celeb-Britney is hellbent on becoming the 2008 poster girl for the American Gynecological & Obstetrical Society which is apparently trying to ramp up it's stodgy, button-down image.

This is a small consolation for Brit who apparently felt that she was under-exposed in the Who's Who edition of Hoo-Haa Magazine. It's never easy to snatch a headline from her peek-a-boo partner Paris.
 
oo, oo, if the cool girls are doing it then it must be cool! so getting out of a short car wearing only a chilly breeze is the new 'hi!'
i've been trying it lately and you wouldn't BELIEVE the reactions ive been getting! HI!
 
HE - here I am talking about Britney setting fire to her minge and it may actually happen, what with the fact that she lives in close proximity to the Malibu fires. In other tragic news, Stings house is in danger of being burned to the ground ...

... oh dear ...

FN - yeah, it's something I'm trying to master, particularly the way of saying "hi" using the appropriate body part when you get out of the car. Anyway, look out for the clip of me on YouTube some time in the near future.
 
This is a twinkletastic thread Betty. I thought you get training these days for getting in and out of cars without showing your love triangle. I find that 'special tape' helps.

I wonder where the term 'munter' actually came from. I bet you know Betty. I think I first read it on here - did you coin it? Does anyone know? It just conjures up images of gritty social realism and faces like pork pies. Not sure why. Pork pies with jelly.
 
Now you mention it Molly, Gorky had a face a bit like a pork pie. Guess he wouldn't qualify as a munter though, even retrospectively, because his whiskers were facial...
 
Molly - hello, hope you're feeling better. Munter sounds as if it's derived from German. It's certainly not a word I would use myself because I'm a feminist and a laydee (if you can be both). Pork pies with jelly. Too many bad memories of childhood ... yech.

Arabella - do you mean Arshile Gorky, the artist, Maxim Gorky the loony lefty political activist or Maxine Gorky, who was that hairdresser who was murdered by Richard Hillman in Coronation Street? All of them had moustaches, so I'm a bit confused.
 
Peter Crouch is a bit Gorky.

And his face is a pie with bits of bone.
 
Geoff - end of the week blues is it?
 
oh goodness, jelly, pies, hair all in one thread. And twinkles. We might be had up by the blog police! Well, maybe we could make a pork pie with hair in it to feed to the man on Geoff's train.

'Here, nice man, would you like to try my pie?'
 
I was thinking of social realist writer and Stalin's arse-licker Maxim Gorky but Maxine would do in the right cossack blouse.
 
Molly - I'll probably be had up by the blogging police again anyway, they rilly hate me. "A pork pie with hair in it" - hah! the famous line from The Monkees film! Hang on - hair pie? We're back to Britney Spears again, aren't we?

Arabella - if there's ever an Andrew Davies serialisation of a history of communist Russia, then Maxine would definitely be up for playing the part of Maxim. Well, she'd be desperate to do anything to get back on television, wouldn't she?
 
That Lily looks like she's wearing a cossack blouse...maybe she'd like the part.

We could put the pie on her head and play pretend William Tell a la William Burroughs. I think Keith is good at firing arrows after his stint in Robin Hood.

Sorry, don't know why I'm having a pie fixation. Must be the Lucozade and Lemsip.
 
Perhaps Keith and Lily should have a duel at dawn, and hopefully shoot each other at the same time. It would be such a relief for the world at large.

Honestly, the way things are going here at the moment, I would kill for a Lucozade and Lemsip cocktail (with a dash of Night Nurse slung in).
 
is that true about Sting's house? Because he lives down the road here and I can't see any smoke - mind you I can't see thru the sodding rain.
 
Ziggi - blimey, you live in California? Er, hang on ... I presume there aren't any forest fires round your way. I hope not, anyway. Mind you, if I lived near to Sting I'd be tempted to set fire to his house myself.
 
Lily Allen is not fat, bitch! Your fucking dirty and empty brain is fat. Asshole! I bet you are a stupid fat virgin rat who is so unhappy with herself that spends all the fucking time talking about other. Loser! Lily Allen is very tallented, and I think you will never be as cool as her. Your posts tell everything.
 
Rocio, for the record I don't think Lily Allen is fat. This post is a parody of the kind of magazine gossip columns in which journalists continually snipe at women because they're too fat/too thin/don't wear the right clothes. I'm sure a man with your natural sophistication, sex appeal, good looks, charm, intelligence and ease with talking to the ladies will be able to understand "parody", and would be able to charm the hind legs off Lily (23). But you're right about the other stuff of course - I'm a stupid fat virgin rat who lives in the sewers with my other rat mates who spend all our time slagging off Lily Allen (23). We're all very, very, very unhappy with ourselves.

Meanwhile, it may be time for your medication! Don't be so angry! It's not good for your blood pressure! There's so much to enjoy in life! Be a lover, not a hater! Listen to the birds singing! Listen to a Lily Allen record! Cheer up mate - it might never happen!

xxx
 
Actually, Rocío , I think she's fat - Lily, not Betty:

FATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFATAFAT,TALENTLESSANDFAT
 
Rocío: I should like to take Betty's virginity but she won't have me.

I am overeating to compensate and have become enormously FAT.
 
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