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Saturday, July 21, 2007

SMILEY MILEY 


In the most shocking development since Mike Read, as a tennis fan, announced that he was backing Boris Becker to stand as London Mayor, former Radio One jock and pal of Mike's, Paul Burnett now announces that he is to stand as London Mayor. Here, he explains why.

"A couple of nights ago, I was at a fundraising event with Mike, DLT and a few other showbusiness pals, including Shaky, Cliff, The Icicle Works and a few others. It was a very worthwhile cause - we were raising money for the Retired Radio One Disc Jockeys Association. Those guys do so much to help veteran former jocks who are, say, suffering ill health or, as is the case with poor Noel Edmonds, a terrible financial crisis.

Anyway, talk got around to the nominations for London Mayor. Mike felt, as a tennis fan, there was only one way his vote could go - to Boris Becker. However it inspired me to take the plunge and stand myself!

What will I be focusing on? Well, it's a cause close to my heart - radio in London!

You know, I flick across the radio dial in my car and I get so angry. Whatever happened to quality radio?

I particularly despair about the way my old station - Radio One - has gone downhill.

I listened to it the other day and it was such a racket that I had to switch off after half an hour! All that tuneless new wave music by The Cooks, Katie Nash and The Feelings! What happened to decent quality adult orientated pop music? I particularly objected to some combo called The Twang. Really, it was some guy shouting gibberish about being "on one about the silliest of stuff" in a comedy Brummie accent! I felt as though I'd been dragged back in time and was listening to the comedy Brummie on the hit single I performed on with DLT - Laurie Lingo And The Dipsticks' zany Convoy GB!!!

So, I thought - "enough is enough!!!"

Here are my pledges to all you lovely Londoners to make London radio stations the envy of the rest of the world:

* More playlists full of quality songs by Sutherland Brothers And Quiver, Sad Cafe and The Bellamy Brothers!!!

* More DJ's who can actually do the job! NOT so-called "Shock Jocks" like Joe Wylie and Edith Bowman (can anyone actually understand her accent???!!! As DLT would say, "she's a bonnie wee lassie fray north o'the border!!!!!") No - let's bring back REAL jocks who learnt their chops on the good ship Caroline or at Radio London in the beat music heyday!!!!!

* More jobs at Radio One, Heart and Virgin for DJ's the people really want to hear again - Simon Bates, DLT, Tony Brandon, "The Emperor" Roscoe, Adrian Juste, Mike Read, Peter Powell, "Diddy" David Hamilton and my good self!!!!

* Decent salaries for all of us!!

I hope you'll all be getting behind my campaign which I'm going to be calling the "ONE-DERFUL LONDON" campaign. Here's to a brighter future!!!"


*With thanks to Herr Footman Of The Gestapo for making reference to the Mike Read Comment Is Free article.

*Paul Burnett is appearing in Mother Goose at Bicester Tivoli Theatre from December 3rd.

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Comments:
Betty, please can you make a group booking on my behalf at the Bicester Tivoli Theatre? Row three of the stalls should be fine.
That hoyden in the box office never picks up. Ta.
 
can Gary Davies (Davis?) have a job please? how i miss the hilARious willy on the plonker.

on second thought, don't bother. he's a fucking twat.

i am sweary today. sorry.
 
Bring back the self styled 'hairy cornflake' DLT.

On second thoughts, don't bother.
 
Arabella - I think I should be able to get my hands on some tickets. Well, these will be the first that have been sold actually. I'm sure Paul will be thrilled when I pass the news on to him.

Surly Girl - I'm not sure if Gary would be willing to give up his three o'clock in the morning spot on Radio Grimsby. The Bit In The Middle ... Of The Night slot. Fucking twat is putting it mildly.

Garfer - if he gets the morning show slot back, DLT has announced that he will reflect the changes in modern breakfast tastes and will in future be known as The Hairy Muffin
 
i take it this isn't the moment to reveal that beneath the shifting plethora of multiple identities, i am actually 'oooh' Garry Davies?
 
Doppelganger - well, you might be able to get away with it if the shifting plethora of multiple identities shifts quickly enough.
 
I dunno - the damn teeth always betray me...
 
Who the hell are the people in the back row? Apart from the Gamber-meister of course.
They look like a bunch of dodgy estate agents or something drafted in to make up the numbers.
Old Wrighty looks full of beans ... I bet he's just given his posse a quick factoid.
 
If the group shot can be likened to one taken of A Wing at Broadmoor(and I think it can), Steve Wright is Ian Brady.
I get up earlier so I can hate that little twat longer. He should be taken out and strung up by his ego. Not 'arf!!
 
Doppleganger - in that case I just hope that Barry Gibb isn't one of your shifting plethora of identities

Murph - yeah, all the stringers are in the back row. I'll have a go at a left-right, but I can't be absolutely sure:

Adrian Juste, Tommy Vance, PAUL BURNETT!!, Richard Skinner, Gambaccini (P), er - David Cassidy?

I've very, very sad indeed, aren't I?

Reg - ooh, how could you? Wrighty is a survivor. All the other people in that picture are either dead or on obscure local radio stations and don't continue to punish us by staying in the limelight! Even Noel is going to have to sell one of his helicopters and a couple of the islands in the South Pacific that he owns!
 
Is DLT wearing Kickers? Who does he think he is, a French exchange student?
 
It's Annie Nightingale I feel sorry for - but at least there's no Chris Evans.
I had a soft spot for Sad Cafe.
 
Annie Nightingale is a goddess.

Were I given the choice between Nigella and Annie I would definitely opt for Annie (if Polly Harvey wasn't avaialable).
 
Tim - perhaps DLT was trying to impress a French exchange student who was doing work experience on the Breakfast Show ... "we 'ave ze lovelee Marie who 'as brought us ... 'ow you say, a cuppa into ze studio. Oo la la!"

Kaz - a young Chris Evans is just out of sight, standing on a chair behind Tommy Vance in the picture, having skived off school for the day and gone up to London trying to get a job at the BBC for the school holiays. He'd do anything to get attention.

Garfer - Annie Nightingale is a goddess compared to Janice "I'm Mad, Me!" Long. Mind you, she seems to have suffered the effects of overindulgence in the rock 'n' roll lifestyle. Hang around with people like Keith Richards and you end up looking like them.
 
Flashback: This is Tony Prince on 208 Radio Luxembourg playing Oh Lori by the fabulous Alessi Brothers.....
All the rest are just too, too arriviste
 
Tony Prince and his Mid Adlaandic accent. The terrible reception that used to fade out every five minutes. The Alessi Brothers and their lovely shiny hair ... lovely summer memories ... all ruined when I remember that I was probably doing maths homework at the same time.
 
I had a Radio 1 sweat shirt signed by Emperor Roscoe at a Radio 1 roadshow, in Morecambe. I embroidered over the signature, but my mum washed it and the all the seams fell apart - nuff said!
 
ah, Peely, I quite miss him.
 
That photo is like the Pantheon of the Gods. Check Saville in his 20 years ahead of time Puffa jacket. Those were the days on the Happy Happy sound of national Radio One. FM.

If you haven't read Simon Garfield's Adventures Of Radio One, I absolutely insist you do so. It is worth the cover price for Peel anecdotes alone.
 
I like the one about Peel, Burnett and one other (Jensen?) waiting in an underground car park to duff up Simon Bates. It was like the hip-hop wars.
 
Mrs Rine - embroidering over the Emperor Roscoe's signature? How could you? You must have incurred the wrath of the gods, which is why the seams fell apart.

Ziggi - problem is, a lot of people became over reliant on him promoting new music. To be honest, a lot of the music he played was pretty unbearable ...

Del - yeah, all those egos in one room! All that big hair! All on medium wave as it was known then (the radio frequency, not the DJ's perms). I've read the Simon Garfield book - it's weird to think how many of those DJ's had so much power and how it was all so cruelly taken away (arf arf).

Tim - yeah, it was David "Kid" David Jensen, who you can't really imagine beating anybody up. What were their weapons of choice? Baseball bats?
 
Thanks for reminding me - Billy told me I should read the Mike Read article and the zillions of comments.
 
The Mike Read article and the abusive comments are among the funnier things I've read recently. It's not always nice to see somebody get a mauling, but, well, he IS a complete egomaniac.
 
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