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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

MEMBERS ONLY 

I'm doing an exhaustive study of the different blogging cliques that have formed during the past few years. Now that everyone in the world has seven blogs, we can safely assume that a revolution has taken place, so it's time to start putting everything into categories.

Here are a few that I've invented ... um ... observed in their natural habitat.


Dr Who bloggers.

Green Wing bloggers.

A list bloggers. All know each other, and haven't updated their blogroll since 2003 because "frankly, everyone who was anyone had already started blogging by then daahhling".

Cynical fiftysomething ex-hippy bloggers. "Dropping acid at the Isle Of Wight festival was a gas, man, and the war in Iraq is some heavy shit. I'm earning 90 grand now, but I'm being subversive from within the machine, right?"

Cyber ex-philosophy student bloggers. Have been lurking on these blogs in awe since before I was a blogger, actually, and not quite understanding the stuff about Ballard and hauntology.

West country bloggers. Crossover with previous category. Have been lurking in awe, etc., and not quite understanding the stuff about Psychic TV.

East Angular bloggers. No particular shared characteristics, but, as I've said before, 98 per cent of the population of East Angular blogs.

Canadian bloggers. There are only ten people who live in Canada, and they all live two thousand miles apart from each other. Therefore, they blog because there's nothing else to do.

American bloggers who leave mystifying comments about obscure 1950's senators on your site, and you don't know how to reply to them because you're completely in the dark.

Sexy thirtysomething media whore bloggers who work hard, play hard, live life in a booze and coke haze and shag everything that moves at the weekend.

London pub rock bloggers.

Bloomsbury Set "creative writing" bloggers. Typical comment response: "What can I say? Just beautiful. Astonishing writing. I'm going to nominate you for Post Of The Week. Again."

Stressed out bloggers who work in the public sector and are very disillusioned with their jobs and what's happening in the workplace.

Earnest political bloggers.

People who have a blog which runs alongside and puffs up their rubbish *fiction* blog ... which they hope to flog to a publisher. *beats head against wall*

Ranting bloggers.

Mommy bloggers. "Hey, I did some baking for the chapel's fundraising fayre at the weekend :-) You wanna see some pictures of the seventy cakes I baked?????? And have all the recipes??????????? Right, here goes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sanctimonious parent bloggers. "Poppy is an unusually bright, beautiful, deep, observant and sensitive three year old. I'm worried that she's not being stretched at her sixteenth century Italian poetry class. The other children are a few years older than her and some of them are rather rough. Gosh, being a parent is extremely difficult at times, isn't it?"


Anyway, obviously some of these categories overlap and this is nowhere near the definitive list. In years to come, I hope to compile a field study of bloggers, rather like that bloke with the long chin and pointy beard who kept an archive of the different folk musics of America.

Or something like the Ladybird Book Of Garden And Heathland Birds, at least.

If you feel that you belong to a category that I haven't mentioned, or are aware of a blogging cllique that I've missed out, do let me know.

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Comments:
What can I say? Astonishing blog. Well, really very good, anyway. Particularly liked the blog-to- puff-rubbish fiction one. I don't think you've got me, but several aspects ring horribly true.
 
What can I say, too? Just beautiful. And I am so proud to be an East Angular / Ranting crossover blogger.
Kinda nice to have a box to sit in.
 
Hand raised in air from Canuck blogger.

Waits for the other 9 to show up.
 
Fascinating stuff Betty.

It was a task that had to be done and who better to do it?

BUT - Which type are you?
 
Excellent list. Out of that lot I'm probably a Green Wing blogger - and what finer sort of blogger is there to be, frankly?

Although in reality I think there should be another category for 'smug, deluded meta-blogger', which consists of people who blog about blogging and how great it is and how it is going to SMASH THE MEDIA/CULTURAL ESTABLISHMENT INTO SMITHEREENS, when in our heart of hearts we know we are just posting facile crap that no more than five people are ever going to read ever.

Also Betty, please point me in the direction of some of these fiction blogs, because I don't think I've ever seen one and I feel like scoffing at something.
 
No Betty - I think Sexy thirtysomething media whore bloggers who work hard, play hard, live life in a booze and coke haze and shag everything that moves at the weekend just about covers me.

Well, apart from the not being a thirtysomething media whore who lives life in a booze and coke haze and shags everything that moves at the weekend bit, obviously....

Pub-rock bloggers?

I didn't know Nick Lowe had one....any good?

L.U.V. on ya,

Bob
 
I love this blog! I must be one of those pretentious "creative writing" types coupled with a healthy dose of ranting and pointless, uncommentable, philosophical claptrap. My God - I'm a complete dick!

What about the millions and bazillions of 'starting a new life' blogs. Everyone seems to be turning over a new leaf these days. Lucky they grow on trees then, I suppose.
 
Just in case you're taking names to put in the different categories, I would qualify as a Cynical Fifty-Something Ex-Hippy. Thank you for casting light on the blogger world.
 
Stay At Home Dad - welcome, and thank you. It's a "general overview" and not singling out any bloggers in particular (although there are people who think that you're having a go at them personally ... you'd be amazed ...)

Dive - ranting/East Angular crossover blogger who works in the smoke. Best not to be easily pigeonholed though, isn't it?


MJ - are they all still in bed or something? Mind you, they're probably is three different timezones, they're all so far apart ...

Kaz - I knew someone would ask me what category I'd say I was in. Probably ranting bloggers. Watch out for my forthcoming posts on the congestion charge, speed cameras on the motorway and ASBOs.

Patroclus - I seem to have been guilty of blogging about blogging a couple of times recently, but, ahem, I haven't said anything about bloggers smashing the establishment or anything like that ... er, honest guv ...

As for the fiction bloggers - ooh, I couldn't be quite that nasty. Suffice to say that *they are out there*. None of them are on my blogroll, I should hasten to add.

Bob - Nick Lowe doesn't have a blog as far as I know (bit of a silver fox is Nick, IMHO) but the ex bass player from Ducks Deluxe, all of Chilli Willi And The Red Hot Peppers and Lew Lewis all blog like crazy (well, not really). Don't stop, do pub rock, as Debbie Harry once said.
 
Fathorse - hello and welcome. I shouldn't worry about being a complete dick. It's a common characteristic among bloggers. Oh, and most of us rant too.

Carmentza - welcome, I don't think you've been here before. A cynical ex-hippy is as good a thing to be as anything. Well, apart from the ones who have gone over to the opposite, ultra right side.
 
I don't undertstand the "hauntology" stuff either. Or the term "dubstep", for that matter.
 
You forgot the EUROVISION BLOGGERS!!!!

That apart, I appear to fall into about five of your categories at once. Can you be more specific?
 
There are six time zones in Canada!

Newfoundland has it's own time zone. They're half an hour ahead of the rest of the country.
 
ooh! can i qualify as east angular/rant crossover too?

*desperately wants to belong*
 
I have no idea what blogger I am.
 
Gosh, can't decide ...
am I the fifty something but not a hippy
Canadian? partly but I'm not in Canada
don't rant because I want to about work and then I'd risk being dooced
I think I am a strange category ...
just like playing with the computer
finding other people who think the same way - or the complete opposite
showing off to my teenage niece and nephew who think a blogging aunt is cool
finding people being nice to each other which I think is fantastic

and betty, weren't you giving up some time ago???!! Glad you haven't!
(did this go twice? something funny happened ... )
 
Judging by your categories I'm a portfolio blogger, little bit of everything. Apart from the cocaine-fuelled shagging, obviously.
 
Mike - hauntology: er, yes. Best not to ask to avoid being a laughing stock. Dubstep: much loved by thirtysomethings who like to think they've still got their finger on the pulse but found all those tracks featuring vocals from menacing youths threatening to knife each other a bit much really.

Surly Girl - done. It's much more interesting to be a crossover anyway. Makes one seem so vair cosmopolitan and daring.

Billy - damn, I forgot the rockabilly bloggers! (Sorry. That joke is wearing SO thin now.)

Belle - well, I've only begun my extensive mission to categorise every blogger in the known universe. It may well take me the rest of my life. Otherwise, um, you could always form your own category. I still haven't quite decided what mine is yet.

I wasn't intending to give up blogging - just cut down on the amount of time I spend on it. Of course, I immediately had ideas for about five posts. Still, I'm doing less inane commenting on other people's blogs, so that's something for everyone to be grateful for.
 
Realdoc - hey, I thought you doctors spent all day indulging in cocaine fuelled shagging! Well, it seems like the sort of job that would drive you to behaving like that, anyway ...
 
I'm afraid, in the absence of a canine category, you'll have to tick me off as a Sexy thirtysomething media whore Betty.

That spell at the Atwood 12 step clinic has certainly sharpened your perceptive abilities to razor point.
 
Mark - don't Eurovision bloggers just blog for about a month every year? Can't be more specific yet about individual categories. It's still in the early stages. Ahem.

MJ - does anyone live in Newfoundland? Wouldn't think there would be any point in them having their own timezone. A couple of lighthouse keepers and a ninety year old fisherman!

Murph - oh well, how about canine sexy thirtysomething media whore blogger then? Dunno about my perceptive abilities - it's probably a sign of an impending breakdown.

BY THE WAY FOLKS, SORRY I'VE BEEN REPLYING TO YOUR COMMENTS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER. IT'S ALL GO HERE, AND I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT COPING VERY WELL.
 
I aspire to media whoredom.

Work hard, play hard, see you at the weekend...
 
Very perceptive. Oh lord, I'm a stressed out public sector blogger - I'd much rather be a sexy work-hard -play-hard media blogger, maybe will start a new fantasy-life blog in which I get to play hard and not just work hard. And take drugs and be sexy. 'You won't believe who I shagged this weekend...'
 
OUCH...


OUCH...


OUCH....


And I thought the Bristolian dubstep / Doctor Who interface was such a unique angle...

Wot about people who post snaps of graffiti on Flickr? Surely there can't be many of those?

I new the game was up when I started on tags - you're comedic stream of consciousness ones are great but I started mine off in a rigidly ordered fashion and I'm depressed to find I'm still only employing seven or eight half a year later ....


(gloom)
 
Excellent work Betty! You just forgot the reflexive, ultra-ironic meta-bloggers whose parodic posts comment in an oblique and amusing way on other blogs as being symptomatic of trends in society generally. Obviously, this would also include a sub-group of people who comment in this way on other people's more popular blogs in order to shamelessly grab a bit of the limelight for themselves.

Anyway, good luck with the ethnographic study and the beard-growing.
 
What can I say Betty? Just beautiful. Astonishing writing. I'm going to nominate you for Post Of The Week. Again.

Hang on a min ute...that's not me.
 
As one of the other Canuckistani Bloggers I confess that this is the least aggravating method that I can use to communicate with mj, her restraining orders notwithstanding.

I suppose that I could use the satelite phone but it weighs about 8 pounds and it takes about 3 weeks to send a letter off to her end of the world by pony express.

You know what the Americans say, "closer you git to Canada, the more things there are that'll eat yer horse!"
 
Overnight Editor - well, I can't even aspire to media whoredom. Working hard and playing hard plays havoc with my creaking old bones.

Annie - it takes a lot of work, though, having a glamorous online persona. Perhaps you should make an effort to bring the media whore lifestyle to teaching. Booze, cocaine and shagging in the staffroom!

Doppelganger - right, graffiti pictures on Flickr ... that's another one to go on the list ... nobody else has stepped forward to claim your Bristolian dubstep/Dr Who crossover crown yet, so there's still hope.

Shykitten - then there's the sub-group of meta commenters who comment on the comments left on the posts of reflexive, ultra ironic meta bloggers in the hope that everyone will realise that they know that everyone will know that they're in on the joke. Then the meta runs out.

I won't have any problem with growing the beard - I'm half Slav.

Istvanski - blimey, gosh thank you ... what can I say? My writing came from the well of pain inside me ... oh, hang on, that's not me either.

Homo Escapeons - as Abba once sang ... "there's not a soul out there! No one to hear my prayer!" No wonder we always seemed to get more Canadian exchange students at school than kids from any other nation. It was probably the first time they'd encountered human beings apart from their immediate family.
 
Homo Escapeons neglected to mention that it takes about 3 weeks to send a letter off to my end of the world by pony express because his end of the world is up to its neck in snow until July.
 
I like Realdoc's 'Portfolio' category. The bigger the handbag the better, in my opinion.
 
MJ - does he live on the North Pole then?

Arabella - yes, best to cast your net wide. As James Dean said, who wants to go through life with one hand tied behind their back? Ahem. I'm in favour of the big handbag, except when you get to the checkout and you're struggling to find your purse which is buried in some corner of it. Eh?
 
Oh my, I think I may be a tad on the Mommy blogger side....I have definite cosy tendencies....though I may drift into Stressed Out territory, if I run over a sheep or something.
 
Doris - Stressed Out Mom Who Occasionally Runs Over Sheep bloggers?
 
HE lives in Winnipeg. Also known as WinterPeg.

It may as well be the North Pole.
 
Well, I guess I can hardly protest... us West Countrians can't help but yelp in excitement whenever another person from the West can actually type (all those fingers, all those threshing machines...) and so i guess we're bound to huddle together and start swapping Industrial Records stories or Icelandic moan-beat or whatever the latest idiocy might be...
 
Speaking from the "ranting bloggers" end of the ground, how about:
1. I Use Big Words No Pillock Would Ever Use In The Pub Because I Want People To Think I'm Clever bloggers.

2 I Have A Handle Which Is An Obscure Greek Reference Because I Also Want People To Think I'm Clever bloggers.

3. "What I'm Currently Listening To" bloggers.

4. My Fucking Lobster Has Just Died! bloggers, aka "ranters".

5. I'm Desperately Trying To Be Funny But Just Am Not And Am The Type Of Twat Who Wears Homer Simpson Ties To Work Because I Think It Makes Me Look Like A Whacky Kind Of Guy bloggers.

6. I've Had A Really Shit Day And My Lobster Has Just Died And It's 1am And There's Nobody To Talk To And I Can't Sleep And Am Generally Fucked Off bloggers (see 4).
 
What about 'I don't know why I started a blog in the first place and now I can't stop' bloggers.

Are there a 'would like to be sexy forty something (just!) media cow who still wears rock t-shirts and drainpipe jeans but doesn't go out much' bloggers?
 
Loki - all those threshing machines and turbine powered internet connection to boot. It must be a struggle against the odds. Still, cheer up - it's nearly summer, which must mean there's another Belgian New Beat revival around the corner.

Reg - sorry to hear about your lobster. Still, he's at peace now as my aunties used to say before funerals. I'm probably guilty of a few of the blogging crimes mentioned in your list. Oh dear.

Rockmo' - "I don't know why I started a blog in the first place and now I don't know why I carry on" is more like it in my case. As for the other one, I'm sure you'd have a long way to beat me in the mutton stakes. Still, you've got to rage against the dying of the light ... or the lure of the BHS navy blue polyester "slacks" with the comfy elasticated waistband, at any rate.
 
Bettster - yes, I willingly admit I am a fashion victim but had to stop at the footless tights this time around - I just looked like I was trying too hard! It's actually quite comforting that I did it the first time and got away with it therefore have no reason to have to get away with it again. There's a nice Per Una poly-acrylic macrame cardigan in misty buff that I've got my eye on in M&S - it's got gold anchor motif buttons and will go well with the comfy-cushion slip-ons in maroon velour that I have recently purchased. ;-$
(that's a tongue-in-cheek symbol by the way). Why are naval symbols so popular with the over-50's?
 
I think it's something to do with the older woman's mantra - "navy blue and white look very smart and fresh in spring". Well, it's all to do with being "smart" and "tidy", which I've always had problems with. I don't think I'm coping very well with middle age, am I? Mind you, perhaps it's something that hits you when you go through the menopause, along with thinking that men who wear blazers look attractive.
 
What about ex-bloggers? Ex-bloggers who've just come out of re-hab, who used to write shit?
 
We also get to write our name in black bold type. Huzzah!
 
Adalai Stevenson for President!
 
R - who can you be referring to? Britney Spears? I'm fascinated by those horrible white boots she has taken to wearing on stage. I don't think she'll make it back into the blogging game though - she's lost the hunger.

winkywankywoo - and the cover of anonymity. I have no idea who you are, of course ...

First Nations - ah, the joy of Wikipedia! Apparently he was the inspiration for Peter Sellers' portrayal of President Merkin Muffley in Dr Strangelove ... and he used to smoke a packet of cigarettes a day ... and there is a statue of him with a hole in his shoe ... who says that you can't learn stuff while blogging?
 
Now I resent that! I never left any comments about obscure 50's senators--they were all about obscure 80's rock musicians!
;-)
Such as ekkdik.
Oh--that's just the Word Verification word. But it sounds like it could be an obscure 80's rock band.
 
what about the 'self obsessed miserabilist' category? I'd like to nominate myself for that.

Again, I can only aspire to the media whore category.
 
Cheesemeister - I can't pass judgement, given the number of references to obscure '80's bands and '70's television I've made. The blog relies on them, actually!

GSE - I'd hazard a guess that at least eighty per cent of bloggers are "self obsessed miserabilists" - even the ones who say they aren't! Oh, and I bet the media whores make a lot of stuff up to make people jealous.
 
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