Saturday, February 10, 2007


Bleedin' heck folks, did you see Ten Years Younger this week?

Well, that excludes any (er, both) non-British readers, so to precis: Ten Years Younger normally gets some poor woman in her mid thirties who has gone through a messy divorce, having been left with three kids and a terminally ill mother to look after as well as hold down three jobs to go out in the streets where members of the public are asked to suggest how old she is. Unsurprisingly, they usually suggest somewhere between forty nine and fifty five. She has committed the ultimate crime of Letting Herself Go and, more often than not, wearing a fleece and trackie bottoms. The poor old bat usually starts crying and saying that she just wants to be the way she used to be.

She's then carted off to have her eyes lifted, her teeth rearranged and to have her hair cut shorter and dyed mahogany "because it'll bring a bit of warmth back to your face". Slightly nervous and highly strung Boer Nicky Hambleton-Jones will inform her that the fleeces have got to go and that "volume is in this season and we can definitely make it work for you because you've got an enormous arse" (not really).

Anyways, this time the show was different because the victim was A BLOKE!

Simon, a thirty five year old DJ, was rocking the Jerry Garcia look ...

... which made him, according to people at a record fair in, I dunno, Balsall Heath, look as if he was in his LATE FORTIES! Some myopic nitwit even suggested he was seventy.

The beard, the long hair, the studenty clothes all had to go, and he was re-made in the image of Modern Stylish Man.

Simon was quite a handsome bloke under all that hair, but unfortunately he agreed to let a cosmetic dentist loose on his yellow tombstone teeth.

They never do things by half measures, do they, cosmetic dentists?

So. He had sky blue veneers which probably glow in the dark.

The effect was a bit too near Mike Smash:

... topped off with the kind of hairdo that drippy singer songwriters called James Summat tend to have.

Poor old Simon. I hope he grows the beard and the hair back and reverts to wearing his old Carhartt gear rather than the "new, thin knit jumpers" and the three foot long shoes which are apparently all the fashion. He lives in the West Midlands after all - who needs to get beaten up every day? At least with his old look hoodies would have been too frightened to have thumped him.

He still has to live with those teeth though. Which means he'll never be taken seriously again as a DJ.

Still, time to bite the bullet Simon, even if it cracks those veneers. You'll have to get a job in hospidle radio.

Y'ain't seen nothin' yet mate.

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Damn...missed it....it sounded poptabulous, mayte!
It's normally worth watching for Nicky Hambleton-Jones who, frankly, needs a good slapping. You just yearn for a contestant to turn round on her and say "Frenkly, Nickee, thoz atroshus glesses of yerz are frenkly stweped!!".
Maybe she should root out the lead guitarist from "Ten Years After" to do next.
One day, please, an obliviously-attired person on a programme like this is going to listen quietly to all the advice about texture, layering and a bit of colour, turn to the presenter and knock his bloody lights out. Or her.
Uh oh. I'm wearing a fleece.

*uses excuse that it's the provincial fabric of British Columbia*

BTO ... Canuck content for your non-Brit reader.
Murph - I was depressed when I realised that I've got a charcoal grey pinafore dress that was quite like the one she was wearing in that show! I'll have to burn it now ...

Had a look at a picture of Ten Years After - http://www.the-kendalls.com/images/TenYearsAfter.jpg

Is it the bloke in the blue singlet you're referring to? Surely he's a style icon?

Arabella - I'm sure that people who aren't fairly compliant are screened out. Women tend to be more insecure about how they look, which is probably why there are less male guests. Men are less likely to put up with all that nonsense.

MJ - ooh, you should be rounded up by the fashion police. Living somewhere that's cold is no excuse for wearing anything practical. Turn the central heating up to forty degrees centigrade instead! Forget about global warming, it's important to make a style statement!
I think it was Charlie Brooker who said that Nicky Hambleton Jones is strangely featureless, and looks like an egg that somebody has painted a face on. Bet she's really a Fembot.
As soon as Keith Richard had his teeth done his music went south.

There's much to be said for rubbish British dentistry.
I saw that program in question - I thought his hairier look was down to an over zealous TV make - up crew myself. You could tell he wasn't 'in his seventies' just by looking at his eyes, which tend to be a better give-away / clue to a person's age.
It was bugging me all the next day until I realised that the person they'd turned him into was Melinda Messenger's husband.

Why did they need to put foundation and eye-liner on him though? Nobody, especially a man, has that kind of even skin colour naturally.

(Must be turning into Nicky HJ, as just typed "thet kind" - she is just a madeover version of "No Offence" from The Fast Show)
Annie - pretty good description. There is something a bit odd and dehumanised about people who take fashion too seriously. Look at Karl Lagerfeld, the man who thinks it's a "good discipline" for women to slim down to a size zero. Obviously crackers, he is.

Garfer - come on, having his teeth fixed knocked years off Keef. He know looks as if he's 1367 years old instead of 1369.

Istvanski - it's not unknown for the teams who do those makeovers to de-enhance the looks of their victims. If you ever see the "before" pictures of women in magazines who have makeovers, it's pretty obvious that someone's melted lard in their hair and gone over their face with an oven scourer.

Kellycat - thet's seh antrooo - Nicky is her ahn persan end hez made her ahn mahk on TV. She dazn't live ap to the stereuhtahps of nahhstee bullying whaht Seth Efricans et all! Nah, get off her lend our she'll hev you shot!
At one stage I thought that Nicky was wearing one of those aprons that Richard O'Sullivan used to wear in Man About the House.
As someone who has recently undergone the beard removal thing, I can vouch for the skin being in top fettle underneath the growth. This is why they didn't bother waiting until they'd shaved him to smear that shite over the rest of his face instead of just his forehead and cheekbones. How dare he only use tap water! I too thought those shoes looked bloody stupid - Betty, you remember Little Tich from the Music Halls, don't you? And why couldn't they have given him trousers that were the right length? Tut tut.
All the women on TV who tell us what we should look like look awful.
There's Dr Gillian, Lorraine Kelly, Nikki H-J, Hinge and Brackett aka Trinny and Susannah... the list is so long.


Those who look good just get on with looking good.
I liked him better as a beardy too.
Richard - I remember Little Tich, saw him at the Glasgow Empire, me and Roy Hudd in the stalls. He wasn't very well received.

Kaz - they're probably all trying to overcompensate for the fact that they feel insecure about how they look. If they criticise other people, maybe it makes them feel better about themselves!

Spinsterella - I'd normally prefer someone without a beard, but in this case ...
I wish someone would makeover Nicky Hambleton-Jones so she didn't look quite so terrifying.
Tell you what Billy, I was going to link Nicky to a picture of Eugene Terreblanche, because I'm really sick like that. Then I thought I'd better not, because I'd get loads of white supremacists coming over here!
That was the first time I'd seen the show, and I didn't understand why she kept saying 'nit, nit' all the time.

Then I realised it was 'knit'.

They're called 'jumpers' over here, you silly slag!
Spin - thanks. Solved that one, I thought she'd spotted something unsavoury.
Hello Betty - hope you're well and have been enjoying Soul Britania...

Oh, btw - I've moved here....(for tax reasons, obviously...) - if you wish to update your bookmarks...

L.U.V. on ya,

Spinsterella - to be fair, it might just be fashionspeak (otherwise known as "gibberish").

Bob - will do. Have to keep pausing Soul Britannia to shout at Robert Elms or to have discussions about 1970's football hooligans or why Kevin Rowland is trying to look like a Portuguese fisherman.
Have you noticed that the women on those shows all end up with the same haircut, which as you say is often mahogany. Too near stepford wives for my liking.
hey, i'm wearing a hoody!
can i smack the crap out of him?
well, anyone, actually...

the same show here is called 'the swan'. they take some haggis and give her brand new everything, then show her to a mirror at the end of three months and she cries and shit.
then her life falls completely apart.
Ten years younger scares me. They might make me 17 again! Nooo! Anything but that!
A guy here had his long hair shaved to a stubble and his beard trimmed. Instead of looking in his 30s he looked about 22.
Realdoc - once you're a woman of a certain age you're supposed to have red toned hair to bring "warmth" back to your complexion, even if it looks obviously fake.

First Nations - you're allowed to beat people up when you're wearing a hoodie, but you'll get banned from shopping centres. When those women are made over, it's almost as if they've been "born again" - all those relatives clapping and weeping because they've got a new hairdo and had nips and tucks!

Del - oh god, I wouldn't want to be 17 again. Hair that gets greasy after half an hour, taking Echo And The Bunnymen lyrics seriously, funny mood swings ... bollocks to that.

Llewtrah - beards don't do men any favours, do they? Shaving them off is the quickest way to look younger. Wish there was something like that you could do as a woman!
Look, I know I am an idealistic old hippy but those people who want to look younger, what a sad deluded bunch. I put them in the same box as people with personalised number plates, oh my god, they are the same people aren't they.
Tom - I'd guess that a lot of the people who appear on the show have been egged on by husbands/wives/relatives - perhaps they're ashamed to be associated with someone who's, ahem "let themselves go". I get the feeling that that bloke's wife wanted him to be nice, clean cut Mr Normal rather than somebody who looked ten years younger.
He looks ten years younger all right. he also looks like a comedian on a TV show, doing a parody. Fake hair, fake teeth, weird expression. Horrible.
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