Friday, March 09, 2007
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT YOUR HEALTH ...
The population lives to a ripe old age in better health these days. Older people have a wider range of interests and plenty of them have retired early to spend six months a year in the Costas.
All well and good, but WHAT HAPPENED TO REALLY MISERABLE OLD WOMEN?
When I was young I was aware that, once a woman had reached the age of fifty there was nothing to look forward to but DEATH.
I'm not imagining this. My mother in law told me that her mother used to say "life is hell on earth".
HARDCOOORE! Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, Steven Patrick Morrissey!
My own grandmother used to dish out Christmas presents in September ... October ... November ... depending on how grim the outlook was because of her personal health.
"Yerm gettin' yer Christmas box now because I don't think I'll mekk it ter Christmas" we would be told.
This happened for as long as I can remember receiving presents from her.
She died at eighty nine.
As common courtesy, I'd ask my nan how she was, and brace myself for the never ending catalogue of ailments, which could include any (but not usually all) of the following statements:
* "I'm middling." (she was always middling, whatever that was.)
* "I've been up all night heaving."
* "The doctor's given me this tonic to drink because I've been so run down."
* "I've got diarrhoea like milk."
* "I'm stiff all down this side and it goes all round here."
* "I've had this Indian Brandy but it still hasn't settled me stomach."
* "I was in so much pain with this leg last night that I had to take off the bandages that the doctor had put on."
If Miserable Old Women weren't suffering themselves then there was nothing they liked better than to gather in town while shopping to discuss Other People Who Were At Death's Door.
This is the official Top Seven of the most popular illnesses according to Miserable Old Women:
1. Massive coronary (i.e., any heart problem).
2. Sugar (aka diabetes).
3. Suffering with nerves.
4. Being a bundle of nerves.
5. Prolapse or "dropped womb".
6. Someone who you don't know, but Eileen's husband used to work with him, "having his leg off because of circulation problems, but he still won't give up smoking".
7. The Major Operation. I think this must have been a hysterectomy, but it was always spoken of in very hushed tones, in case children were listening.
The only outposts for Miserable Old Women these days are behind the counters of second hand shops. The workers will be only too happy to have conversations about some poor old bugger who went to his GP to get his indigestion checked out, only to end up in hospital, being "opened up" where it was found that he had "a growth the size of a rugby ball". Of course, he ended up dead a week later.
Still, mustn't grumble, eh?
*rolls eyes and juts chin out*
All well and good, but WHAT HAPPENED TO REALLY MISERABLE OLD WOMEN?
When I was young I was aware that, once a woman had reached the age of fifty there was nothing to look forward to but DEATH.
I'm not imagining this. My mother in law told me that her mother used to say "life is hell on earth".
HARDCOOORE! Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, Steven Patrick Morrissey!
My own grandmother used to dish out Christmas presents in September ... October ... November ... depending on how grim the outlook was because of her personal health.
"Yerm gettin' yer Christmas box now because I don't think I'll mekk it ter Christmas" we would be told.
This happened for as long as I can remember receiving presents from her.
She died at eighty nine.
As common courtesy, I'd ask my nan how she was, and brace myself for the never ending catalogue of ailments, which could include any (but not usually all) of the following statements:
* "I'm middling." (she was always middling, whatever that was.)
* "I've been up all night heaving."
* "The doctor's given me this tonic to drink because I've been so run down."
* "I've got diarrhoea like milk."
* "I'm stiff all down this side and it goes all round here."
* "I've had this Indian Brandy but it still hasn't settled me stomach."
* "I was in so much pain with this leg last night that I had to take off the bandages that the doctor had put on."
If Miserable Old Women weren't suffering themselves then there was nothing they liked better than to gather in town while shopping to discuss Other People Who Were At Death's Door.
This is the official Top Seven of the most popular illnesses according to Miserable Old Women:
1. Massive coronary (i.e., any heart problem).
2. Sugar (aka diabetes).
3. Suffering with nerves.
4. Being a bundle of nerves.
5. Prolapse or "dropped womb".
6. Someone who you don't know, but Eileen's husband used to work with him, "having his leg off because of circulation problems, but he still won't give up smoking".
7. The Major Operation. I think this must have been a hysterectomy, but it was always spoken of in very hushed tones, in case children were listening.
The only outposts for Miserable Old Women these days are behind the counters of second hand shops. The workers will be only too happy to have conversations about some poor old bugger who went to his GP to get his indigestion checked out, only to end up in hospital, being "opened up" where it was found that he had "a growth the size of a rugby ball". Of course, he ended up dead a week later.
Still, mustn't grumble, eh?
*rolls eyes and juts chin out*
Labels: dropped wombs, growths, holiday homes, massive coronaries, there's no one quite like grandma
