Sunday, May 27, 2007
THE DECADES THAT TIME FORGOT
Yesterday, the GrAUniAD Weekend magazine published the definitive critical overview of every decade since the 1950's, with contributions from distinguished writers who came of age during each decade.
If you didn't read it, don't worry. I've precised every thoughtful and original insight here. None of which have ever been written about before, ever. Honestly. No, really.
THE 1950'S
Tommy Steele - wild man of the coffee houses
Decade began with shadow of postwar austerity hanging over Britain like giant albatross. Rationing until mid '50s. Sir Edmund Hillary climbs Everest. Roger Bannister runs four minute mile. Coronation ushers in exciting REAL 1950's and attracts millions to watch television for first time. Young people cast aside shackles of postwar austerity by slashing seats at West Bromwich Trocadero during performance of Little White Bull by Tommy Steele. Hallellujah!!! Rock And Roll is born!!!
THE 1960'S
Groovy
Space race begins. Cold War. Bay Of Pigs. The Quarrymen play at Herr Flick's Knocking Shop And Massage Parlour, The High Strasse, Hamburg. Social revolution! Mary Quant. Skirt hemlines rise. Twiggy. Carnaby Street. Flower children. The Pill! Women are free at last to be shagged by sweaty hippies at festivals. Patrick Moore takes acid live on television and really sees the stars at night. Vietnam. Student protests. Matt Monro records song about the flower children and how we should all get hip to the exciting young generation because they've got something to say. First man on moon.
THE 1970'S
Rubbish
Jackie magazine. Big platform shoes. Hostess trolleys. Black Forest gateau. Swingers parties. Endless strikes. Power cuts. Mike Yarwood. More strikes. OPEC. Sheikh Yamani. More strikes. People reduced to setting fire to disgusting Brutus brushed denim elephant flares as way of keeping warm. Rubbish piles up on streets. Angry young new wave sounds of The Boomtown Rats, Pleaser, Rachel Sweet, Tonight and The Rich Kids kick down the doors of the establishment and stop rubbish piling up on the streets.
THE 1980'S
Vice
M. Thatcher's Thousand Year Reich. Arrival of the yuppie. Unemployment levels rise and rise. Rioting on inner city streets. Falklands War. Boys From The Black Stuff. Boy George. Duran fucking Duran. Miami Vice. Dallas. Shoulder pads. Mobile phones. City boys. Stock market crash. Matt black furnishings. Michael Fish sez "some bint reckons there's a hurricane on the way! Silly moo!". Danny Rampling, Paul Oakenfold and that other bloke invent "Acid Drop" music. Berlin Wall comes down.
THE 1990'S
Top one, nice one, get sauteed
Young folk are all "on one", standing around in fields and waving their arms about to the exciting "rave" sounds of Jesus Jones and Candy Flip. New age of former yuppies being nice to each other and discovering healing powers of crystal. Thatcher booted out at last. Traffic Cones Hotline. Edwina Currie has torrid affair with "big blue man in big blue y-fronts" John Major. This Life. Friends. Rise of New Labour coincides with rise of Britpop, therefore ensuring that John Harris (that bloke who looks like a woman) can go on and on about the era forever. Bootleg trousers. Rachel off of Friends haircuts. People getting wooden flooring (indoors) and decking (outdoors) after watching makeover shows.
There you have it. I'm thinking of flogging this "retro" idea to some papers and television programmes. After all, it's never been done before and I think I could be on to an earner!!
If you didn't read it, don't worry. I've precised every thoughtful and original insight here. None of which have ever been written about before, ever. Honestly. No, really.
THE 1950'S
Tommy Steele - wild man of the coffee houses
Decade began with shadow of postwar austerity hanging over Britain like giant albatross. Rationing until mid '50s. Sir Edmund Hillary climbs Everest. Roger Bannister runs four minute mile. Coronation ushers in exciting REAL 1950's and attracts millions to watch television for first time. Young people cast aside shackles of postwar austerity by slashing seats at West Bromwich Trocadero during performance of Little White Bull by Tommy Steele. Hallellujah!!! Rock And Roll is born!!!
THE 1960'S
Groovy
Space race begins. Cold War. Bay Of Pigs. The Quarrymen play at Herr Flick's Knocking Shop And Massage Parlour, The High Strasse, Hamburg. Social revolution! Mary Quant. Skirt hemlines rise. Twiggy. Carnaby Street. Flower children. The Pill! Women are free at last to be shagged by sweaty hippies at festivals. Patrick Moore takes acid live on television and really sees the stars at night. Vietnam. Student protests. Matt Monro records song about the flower children and how we should all get hip to the exciting young generation because they've got something to say. First man on moon.
THE 1970'S
Rubbish
Jackie magazine. Big platform shoes. Hostess trolleys. Black Forest gateau. Swingers parties. Endless strikes. Power cuts. Mike Yarwood. More strikes. OPEC. Sheikh Yamani. More strikes. People reduced to setting fire to disgusting Brutus brushed denim elephant flares as way of keeping warm. Rubbish piles up on streets. Angry young new wave sounds of The Boomtown Rats, Pleaser, Rachel Sweet, Tonight and The Rich Kids kick down the doors of the establishment and stop rubbish piling up on the streets.
THE 1980'S
Vice
M. Thatcher's Thousand Year Reich. Arrival of the yuppie. Unemployment levels rise and rise. Rioting on inner city streets. Falklands War. Boys From The Black Stuff. Boy George. Duran fucking Duran. Miami Vice. Dallas. Shoulder pads. Mobile phones. City boys. Stock market crash. Matt black furnishings. Michael Fish sez "some bint reckons there's a hurricane on the way! Silly moo!". Danny Rampling, Paul Oakenfold and that other bloke invent "Acid Drop" music. Berlin Wall comes down.
THE 1990'S
Top one, nice one, get sauteed
Young folk are all "on one", standing around in fields and waving their arms about to the exciting "rave" sounds of Jesus Jones and Candy Flip. New age of former yuppies being nice to each other and discovering healing powers of crystal. Thatcher booted out at last. Traffic Cones Hotline. Edwina Currie has torrid affair with "big blue man in big blue y-fronts" John Major. This Life. Friends. Rise of New Labour coincides with rise of Britpop, therefore ensuring that John Harris (that bloke who looks like a woman) can go on and on about the era forever. Bootleg trousers. Rachel off of Friends haircuts. People getting wooden flooring (indoors) and decking (outdoors) after watching makeover shows.
There you have it. I'm thinking of flogging this "retro" idea to some papers and television programmes. After all, it's never been done before and I think I could be on to an earner!!
Labels: Candy Flip, Chris Chataway, economic boom, elephant flares, frothy coffee, shoulder padz, traffic cones hotline
