Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Roland Keaton has an Irish fiddle - not for the first time either

It is with great sadness that I read that gravel voiced strawberry blond Irishman Roland Keaton of the vocal group Boys One has parted company with his wife of thirty seven years after cheating on her with some fancy piece from the Dougie Squires Dancers.

Is nothing sacred in this world when an apparently upstanding, sensible man - indeed, a man so upstanding and sensible that he sucked all of the joy and life enhancing qualities from pop music - can put it about like the most common sewer rat?

I don't know the answer to this question, but am handing the post over to a worldly East Ender called Debs who has words of advice for Roland's estranged wife.

Debs: not bitter

Yvonne babe, I won't beat abaaaht the bush. There's summink me gran used to say to me. She was only four foot eight bless 'er but she used to make soup for people during the Blitz and had twelve children. People used to call her a tower of strengff. "'ere comes Doll" they used to say, "she's a bleedin' tower of strengff she is. She's 'ad to be since 'er sister went mad after havin' that prolapse."

Anyway, me old gran always, always used to say to me abaaht my ex husband "a leopard never changes its spots babe."

Go on darlin - fink abaaaht it. "A leopard never changes its spots."

I said FINK ABAAAHT IT. I wish I bloody 'ad.

It took me thirty two years to pack 'is bags and boot 'im aaaht of the front door.

'e still 'asn't changed 'is spots.

I wish my gran 'ad lived to see me 'ave the guts to boot 'im aaht ...

... and I wish she's lived to see 'ow 'appy I am now wiv me new 18 year old boyfriend Kyle. 'e goes like a barn door in a force nine gale all bleedin' day long. I was never 'appy wiv that aspect of the relationship wiv my ex-husband. 'e was never very tactile, the selfish pig.

Yvonne luv, A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES ITS SPOTS. Just chuck 'im aaaht and get on wiv your life. You've got to be strong naaah - strong for the kids and strong for yourself. But it's wurff it. Somewhere aaaht there is someone who will love you for you.


UPDATE: Gorblimey girl, it looks like she took my advice!

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...and if he aint gonna change his spots you may as well bash 'im over the head with a bust of Queen Victoria... go on girl, think of the fam-er-leee.
Ronan Keating? Ronan CHEATING more like!!!

(What? The Sun got there before me? Bugger!)

The Vernon's Girls warned us about this very thing: '(Boys Are Natural Twisters)You Know What I Mean?'

Sha-la, la, la-la/la, la, la-la
Oh gods. The only Cockernee thing I can think of is Apples & Pears, and that won't really do.

Maybe Yvonne ought to kick Roland in his apples & pears? Although, I would think his are more like grapes and a date.
His fancy piece is pretty much identical to his wife. I mean, why bother?
Scarlet - the problem wiv murder is that it always comes back to 'aunt you for years arfterwards. There's no gettin' raaaahnd that. Best to kick 'im ahht of the ahhss and change the locks.

Rog - My ex husband's name was Nigel Potts. As me old gran said "Nigel Potts? 'e'll never change 'is spots" She was right an' all.

Arabella - I used to be a Vernon Girl, collectin' the coupons raaahnd the ahses before the slum clearance. Great days - we never 'ad no money but there was proper community spirit then, yer know?

Annie - that's it though. A leopard don't change 'is spots and 'e don't change the type of girls 'e goes for. They're all the bleedin' same.
Ronan the Barbarian.
Is Ronan massaging Guinness froth into his pubes? He is, isn't he?

It's good for you, y'know.
Billy - all men fink they're Barbarians. They need to do a bit of growin' up most of 'em.

Tim Footman - I fink 'e's trying to use the Guinness to hide the evidence if you know what I mean.
Inexplicable DeVice - Why 'ave is apples and pears turned into grapes and a date? 'as 'e been sitting ahht in the sun too long?
Of course a leopard won't change its spots. That's why it makes a lovely coat!

I have no clue who this person is. The only Irish musicians I can think of are U2, The Cranberries, Enya, and Sinead O'Connor. Those Celtic Woman freak me out.
This is the Boyzoner who WASN'T on Corrie, yes?
I thought Ronan Keating was not-so-secretly involved with Brian Kennedy (another rubbish Irish singer)? No?
Eroswings - never underestimate how classy a leopard skin coat is darlin'. I have a whole wardrobe full of 'em - and leopard skin shoes, and leopard skin mini skirts. They are the epitome of clahhsss and style.

MJ - don't talk to me about Coronation Street. I can't understand wot the bleedin' 'ell anyone is sayin' on there most of the time. "Stenders for me all the way.

Spinsterella - that wouldn't be difficult to believe. All of those boyband types are the bleedin ' same. Mind you, the gays are some of me best friends. They're a right laaaaarfff.
Oi. Do anuvver blog post, this time as Ali Osman.
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