Thursday, February 19, 2009


In a shameless attempt to play to the gallery, I'm going to do a list post in the feeble hope that I'll get more comments than usual. I want to find out what people's least favourite songs are.

Here are three of my own which should inspire you with their gruesomeness, but probably won't. Oh well, tumbleweed, tumbleweed ...

TOGETHER WE ARE BEAUTIFUL - FERN KINNEY. Some bint with severe nasal back drip informs us that "I've gone with better looking guys, he's gone with prettier looking girls" which isn't a good start. No, no, no. Pop music is about imagining very good looking people finding chemistry with each other, not sweaty, cross eyed, pigeon toed ORDINARY people. I don't care if the "chemistry" of being in lerve makes them "beautiful". I wanted to be transported away to a world where people don't sniffle permanently or have grubby fingernails or hairy moles. Being unbearably mawkish is a crime against humanity.

ISN'T SHE LOVELY - STEVIE WONDER. Being unbearably mawkish is a crime against humanity. Look, you could put forward a theory that Stevie Wonder reached a high water mark with his early 1970's albums with Tonto And His Exploding Hair Band, as Barack Obama did, but it would all be cancelled out by this atrocity. I remember that Nick Cave put him on the Death List of the NME's Portrait Of The Artist As A Consumer profile because of this song, and quite rightly so. People who write gooey songs about their new born children should be put through a mincer alive and then fried gently in lard for a week.

SEASONS IN THE SUN - TERRY JACKS. As you see, I can't abide mawkishness. I really hope this song didn't help people "cope" with their own or a loved one's terminal illness. What a load of dreck. I like me a bit of Jacques Brel, but I've not bothered to read the translated "real" lyrics of this, which have been mercilessly "adapted". I bet Jacques wrote something along the lines of "I can see all of you hard faced cunts looking at me around the hospital bed/Hoping I'll give you a cut of the estate/Well fuck off/I need to use the bedpan". Of course, this version was in turn adapted to the "We had joy/We had fun/We had Palace on the run" chant heard around football grounds. So I've been told, anyway.

So, over to you.

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Bloody Carly Simon with bloody 'You're So vain'. Makes me hiss like a cat.

Also anything by Boyzone. Or Westlife. Or Celine Dion.
Loving You by Minnie Riperton: Those scratchy high notes she hits put my teeth on edge and the song is sappy rubbish too.

I also hate Two Little Boys - mawkish easy sentimentality that gloss over the horrors and futility of war.

Very good call on Season in the Sun t'is utter bollocks.
Ebony and Ivory. Stevie doing his head shaking permagrin thing with Macca trilling alongside him.

Truly ghastly.

I Just Called to Say I love You by Lionel Richie. Mawkish twaddle that makes me want to reach for my shotgun.

I could go on.
The original French lyrics of Le Moribund.

Much better.

For a laugh, try and sing the literal translation to the tune.
Anything by bloody Enya, but especially Orinocho Flow.

Anything by Bonnie Tyler. Just anything.

Last but definitely not least, anything by Rod Stewart, which is a bit of a cheat as I believe that Rod Stewart & Bonnie Tyler are the same person.

Well, you never see them together, do you?
Urgh. Your choices have brought back horrible memories of my 70s childhood, Betty. And I'd thought it had been all Bagpuss and Curlie Wurlies til now.

Anything by The Beautiful South - dear god.

That 'It's Got To Be Perfect' song, can't remember the singer's name. Terrible, it just goes on and on and burrows itself into your head like a terrible earworm.

And Duffy's top tune - is it called Mercy? 'Why don't you release me...?' Well quite. Someone put her out of her misery.
There Must Be An Angel Playing With My Heart by Eurythmics. Well, just die, then.

American Pie by Don McLean. You can drive your Chevy off a bleeding cliff, mate.

I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. I will always hate you.

There Is Power In A Union by Billy Bragg. Bullshit, Billy.
How can you not like a song with the line 'Cant you see it's the chemistreee'?
My choice would be '(I've been to paradise), but I've never been to me') by Charlene.
So bad it's good.
Ooh Betty you brought me luck - a bloke just delivered my new computer in the middle of that comment.
If I can't have 'Come On Eileen' in positions 1, 2 and 3, then it's:
The Decemberists - 'Sons & Daughters' at # 3, 'London Calling' by The Clash at # 2 and zooming in at # 1 'Come on Eileen' byeee Dexy's Midnight Runners.
You can do the Alan Freeman fanfares yerself.
Boz - yeah, did you know that Carly Simon wrote that song about Warren Beatty/Mick Jagger/Sid James? Yawn. Aren't Westlife dead yet?

Fluffy Ducky - Minnie Ripperton is acutally pretty good but that song is a bit too drippily hippy isn't it? Sounds a bit eery and depressing too.

Garfer - Macca's smug face in the video is annoying too. Strangely enough, Macca and Lionel Ritchie have both been paired up with blind people in videos. It would have been kinder to have paired them up with deaf people.

Billy - thanks. Jacques Brel tended to spit out a song's worth of words in one line. I saw one of his songs on YouTube and there was a heated debate going on in the comments about the authenticity of the different translations of his lyrics. Jacques Brel fans seem to be a bit ... intense.

Wendy - hello and welcome. Bonnie Tyler frightens me. She looks like the sort of woman who would glass you if you made eye contact with her for more than one second in a beer garden. Curses to those gravelly voiced rockers, eh?

Annie - spot on with The Beautiful South. They used to sell masses and masses of records too. Ugh. You'll be pleased to know that Duffy has just received about twenty Brit Awards. Talent always gets recognition. The It's Got To Beeee Perfect song was by Fairground Attraction, I think.

Geoff - but the long version of American Pie is a *classic*. Best set of lyrics since The Zimmerframe's Like A Rolling Stone. Arf. I wonder if Billy Bragg still thinks there is power in a union?

Kaz - ooh, the Charlene Song. The lyrics are amazing. "I travelled to Nice/And The Isle Of Greece", 'Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children/That might have made me complete". Hilarious. I hope your computer works.

Arabella - I trust you don't like the kind of music they play at wedding receptions then. I could tell you the anecdote about my friend who used to live across the road from Kevin Rowland ... well, maybe not.
I tend to sing the Charlene song when I'm pissed. It's one of my party turns. I sound worse than Charlene.
I couldn't stand anything by the band called Racey, especially 'Some Girls Will' - It makes me want to kill. And the lead singer looked like an epileptic gerbil. My blood pressure is going up...
Dan Hill “Sometimes When We Touch”…the mawkishness is too much.

Anything by Bobby Goldsboro, particularly “Honey”

Paul Anka, “You’re Having My Baby” … If I were preggers with his spawn, I’d rush out for an abortion.

Harry Fucking Chapin “Cat’s in the Cradle”.

And many more.

*can’t wait ‘til Donn gets here with his top of the bottom picks!*
What was that Peters and Lee song tat stayed at #1 for weeks on end? I've blanked it from my memory.

I also hate anything that stinks of the musical theatre, possibly the worst example of which is "Send in the Clowns".

And "Mouldy Old Dough" was another one that blighted my Top of the Pops years.
Scarlet - Impressive. I don't think I'd be able to remember all the words to the Charlene song when I was pissed. Racey were fucking awful, weren't they? Terrible dance routines and bowling shirts, if I remember properly. Contemporaries of The Dooleys. Say no more.

MJ - some choice cuts. Dan Hill is ridiculous. Now, that's one song that I like to sing when I'm drunk, even though I don't know the words. Harry "Fucking" Chapin - that song is so smug and smarmy. Still, at least he's dead, so that's one good thing.

Bob - You mean Welcome Home? Peters And Lee were a bit frightening. Send In The Clowns - ARGGG! Don't get me started on that song. Here, especially for you is Glynis Johns singing it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAl-EawVobY
As much fun as trapping your fingers in a door.
At least he's dead. Thank you for saying it.


I'm getting all worked up now and feel like hitting a songwriter.

Starting with Christopher Cross.

I think Geoff likes "Sailing" so I'm probably going to catch hell from him but I won't stand for hearing his music.

And that other Chris...de Burgh.

Ban them all from the airwaves I say.
And since Donn hasn't come along yet, I'll speak for him.

Muskrat Love by The Captain and Tennille.

Quick! Somebody give me a sedative!
Lucky Stars by Dean Friedman - shut up you muppettop foool!


Seven Seas by The Goombay Dance Band - they should use that for inducing complete and final breakdowns in soldiers captured behind enemy lines - it would work. "Ok, ok I'll tell you everything just please please stop playing that terrible song"!
MJ, did you dream I'm a Christopher Cross fan? The bloke should be crucified.
I used to think it was 'Send in the Clouds'.
My apologies to Geoff.

While I'm here...

Anything done in the name of famine relief e.g. We are the World or Do They Know it’s Christmas?
Wake Up Boo.
Die instead Boo.
The Who, The Who.
Double die The Who.
It rhymes and it's true.
I Thank You.
Oh, good grief. Where to start?

I'll settle for Abba - Dancing Queen especially - and anything else played in those dreadful 70s theme bars.

And Come On Eileen, of course.

Wasn't it "we had Villa on the run, but the joy didn't last 'cos the bastards ran so fast"?
Least favorite song: Hero by Mariah Carey. Makes me want to barf it is so corny. Generally anything by Mariah. She needs to be put down.
MJ - The Fucking Pina Colada song and the line 'IT WAS MY OWN LOVELY LAYDEEEEEE" - ARRRRGG! I'm glad you picked up on that Paul Anka song. Are we the only two people in the world who remember that song? I bet even Paul Anka has forgotten about it - if he knows what's good for him.

Belullah - Wake Up Boo is horrible. Indie singles featuring a brass section so that they sound "up" and "poppy" are by definition horrible, horrible horrible. Thank you, boo hoo hoo <3

Malc - Come On Eileen seems to be disliked by a lot of people, which I would never have thought would be the case when it was originally out. Ah ... Aston Villa. I remember them.

Emma - hello and welcome. Has Mariah managed to sing a song without going up and down the octaves a hundred times a minute? Her only saving grace is that she does appear to be bonkers.
ROCKMOTHER - OH BUGGERY, I'M MISSING PEOPLE OUT IN MY REPLIES AGAIN. I'M SO BLOODY SCATTERBRAINED, ER ... anyway, I wonder if Dean Friedman is on MJ's list of singer songwriters she'd like to hit? Does anyone remember Stephen Bishop? That bloke out of the Goombay Dance Band and his thinning wash and wear ... *shudder* ...

Scarlet - it's really Send In The Clams
Rod Stewart singing anything from The Great American Songbook.

*bitch slaps Rod and takes Dean Friedman down with him*
Betty, are you not going to defend Mouldy Old Dough?
As for Mariah: squidgy as well as bonkers so I quite like her.
MJ - the thought of Rod Stewart taking Dean Friedman down with him doesn't give me a particularly arousing start to the day. Just as well that I'm hung over.

Arabella - I love Mouldy Old Dough, but I have problems with confronting people and don't like to be rude. I should read one of those self help books!
Anything by Chris DeBurgh and twatty country rock singers.

I'd say this post was a runaway success, Betty.
Perhaps you could do another one on a similar theme ie: songs that are like Marmite - you either love 'em or hate 'em.

Lucky Number by Lene Lovich
Money by The Flying Lizards
gwen stefani. hollaback girl.
Istvanski - I'm surprised that De Buuuuurgh hasn't come up before now. I'll look into the idea of the Marmite post.

Clarissa - too true. Her catarrhy voice annoys me.
There are so many f*cking awful songs on this list that I loathe..Sometimes When We Touch, Havin' My Baby, Seasons In The Son, Lovin' You, would all be at the very top of my list.

I would have to include Feelings, Convoy, Disco Duck, as for more recent crap I'd add Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, Womanizer by Britney, Mambo #5 by Lou Bega, She Bangs by Ricky Martin, With Arms Wide Open by Creed, Macarena by Los Del Mar, and anything by Puff Diddy but especially 'The D to the Diddy' (F*CK!!)

but since I'm only allowed three I'll take Hooty and the F*cking Blowchunks "Hold My Hand" "Let Her Cry" "Only Wanna Be With You"
Donn - Tenille from Captain & Tenille had mad, staring eyes. Feelings is an absolutely horrible song (well, if it's the same Feelings I'm thinking of - what I would expect to hear during an evening's entertainment on a ship cruise?) At least PY Doo Wah Diddy seems to have given up making music. There is a silver lining to every cloud.
What? I can't believe Istvanski - Lovich's Lucky Number and Money by Flying Lizards are two of my favourite songs!
I like both of those songs as well but a lot of people are averse to *quirky* female vocalists.
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